Dating in Gay York: The Text Message Kiss Off on the L Train

So here I am, sitting again alone on the L train heading east, tucked against the damp, steel railing next to the door. The car is particularly humid on this mid-June monsoonish day, making me want to crawl out of my clothing and skin -- away from the situation. It's been raining for what seems like weeks. Thankfully, I'm underground and headed to mecca for the cycling young and artsy -- Williamsburg. Headed to my clean, woodsy apartment off the Grand Street stop to devour the oft-ordered pad kee mao from the local Thai spot, slowly sip on Thai iced tea (very little condensed milk, please) and sit Indian-style on my bed glaring at one of my best friends: MacBook. (He's been through a lot recently -- he had to have major surgery to replace his hard drive. He's very proud to tell you his story if you ask.)

Three happy, tall hipsters are standing, bouncing along with the trusty, always-friendly L as she skips past 3rd Avenue...1st. All I see are drunken smiles, playful, strategically-stylish hair, black denim and boots. Are hipsters never not in style? The happy ones are so carefree and...light. Not a worry. Wait, those are really great boots. Ok, back to me.

I have some random, gospelly Mariah song playing on the white iPhone (yes, how un-Williamsburg of me). She's hitting one of her whisper notes. I can feel the tightening of the throat, the heat welling up in my eye sockets. Am I going to cry?

Earlier at the gym I was blown off for the second night in a row (or was it the third?) by some dude I liked -- via text message. A text message kiss-off -- the worst there is. At first, I tried to take the higher road, but the Aries fire inside me burst the more I thought about the rejection. Hell no. Acting in the heat of the moment, I fired a nasty text back, telling him to beat it. It wasn't pretty, but I felt vindicated. It wasn't like I was married to the guy. I met him while getting some facial grooming done at the local apothecary, we exchanged glances, I gave him my number, we hung out. We hung out again, I drank too much, felt weird, left. The next couple of times he offers to hang out, reneges at the eleventh hour. Ouch. Now, I'm not a pussy, this isn't the first time this has happened, as you soon shall see. I just think he was the straw that broke the camel's back.

This rejection thing is starting to become an annoying, unwelcome pattern in my life, yet I seem to welcome it with each new dude I meet. It seems I've been attracting more and more insensitive guys -- unable to carry on any sort of meaningful anything outside of the bedroom. The sex is great, the conversation isn't. When I began dating here in NYC this was to be expected, but it keeps happening -- a year and a half later. Tugging at the old heartstrings. When is enough enough? Are there any decent, creative, relatively young gay men in the city?

Forget Sex and the City and clichéd anecdotes about lonely women trying to find Mr. Right in the Big Apple. Let me introduce you to 2009 and to an emerging epidemic happening all around the city, everyday: the broken gay heart. Think gay life in the concrete jungle is all boys, sex, parties and fashion? Think again.

For a lot of young, gay men, dating reality can be a bit grittier than for their straight counterparts. In the world of gay "dating" websites, sex is just one email away. But for those of us looking for something deeper (and there are a lot of us), sex doesn't suffice. Something deeper is needed. Bars? Forget about it. Have you ever met anyone substantial in a bar? I didn't think so. How hard is it to find a serious companion in a city with more men than women?

I think I'm just fed up. I think when rejection happens in quick succession it can really wear on you. It happened to me three times in about a week. Yeah. People are threatened by open people (like myself), causing them to flee the scene of the crime. I've come to the realization that for many sex is just sex -- it's not going to lead to anything, it just serves a specific purpose. I think it's important to be aware of and embrace the false sense of intimacy sex can provide. So important. Okay, so every blog will not be me acting like Dr. Phil-slash-Oprah. Promise.

Here's to another type of change happening in '09: to finding men who're interested in relationships.

Follow Justin Miller on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jambk

Comments

[Joe Moore]

Guys like this are one in a million it feels like. I lived in West Hollywood for years and it seems like the stereotype is strong there. It's not looking like it's gonna change anytime soon. Although the infuriating thing is the pretense of wanting something deep, but then the moment that conversation comes up...they run.

They want deep, so long as it's shallow. :-) Thanks for the post. Good to know there are beams of sunlight coming through the clouds.

[greenie227]

There's something really weird about you writing that in 2009, suddenly gay men are unable to find long-lasting partners. How old are you? Do you not understand that the longing for a life partner has been a problem since Year 1, among gay and straight men, gay and straight women, transgenders, etc.? I'm so sorry that suddenly sex isn't enough for you anymore, and I'm really sad that it ever was enough for you.

From a "cliched" Sex and the City single woman

[HoneyBQuick]

Wow. Bitter much?

[John Wahlmeier]

The point he was trying to make is that not all gay men are akin to a stereotype. I'm a twenty-one year old college student; who is gay. I can relate to the blog. I have friends who are like me (goal-oriented, attempting to find love), Yet it seems to be that gay men in their twenties like to apply to the stereotype. The point of blog was about the difficulty of finding love, however it was represents much more. That not all metropolitan gay man can fit into the mold of self-obsessed party-boy. That we like and long for commitment, not everlasting love but a simple promise. I commend the author.

[John Wahlmeier]

Refreshing to know that I am not the only man in the world who wants something more meaningful than a one night stand. Plus, I can relate to the awkwardness that ensues therein. The post hit home.

[BKMcKibben]

Refreshing to know that someone is writing about what is so real.