So here I am, sitting again alone on the L train heading east, tucked against the damp, steel railing next to the door. The car is particularly humid on this mid-June monsoonish day, making me want to crawl out of my clothing and skin -- away from the situation. It's been raining for what seems like weeks. Thankfully, I'm underground and headed to mecca for the cycling young and artsy -- Williamsburg. Headed to my clean, woodsy apartment off the Grand Street stop to devour the oft-ordered pad kee mao from the local Thai spot, slowly sip on Thai iced tea (very little condensed milk, please) and sit Indian-style on my bed glaring at one of my best friends: MacBook. (He's been through a lot recently -- he had to have major surgery to replace his hard drive. He's very proud to tell you his story if you ask.)
Three happy, tall hipsters are standing, bouncing along with the trusty, always-friendly L as she skips past 3rd Avenue...1st. All I see are drunken smiles, playful, strategically-stylish hair, black denim and boots. Are hipsters never not in style? The happy ones are so carefree and...light. Not a worry. Wait, those are really great boots. Ok, back to me.
I have some random, gospelly Mariah song playing on the white iPhone (yes, how un-Williamsburg of me). She's hitting one of her whisper notes. I can feel the tightening of the throat, the heat welling up in my eye sockets. Am I going to cry?
Earlier at the gym I was blown off for the second night in a row (or was it the third?) by some dude I liked -- via text message. A text message kiss-off -- the worst there is. At first, I tried to take the higher road, but the Aries fire inside me burst the more I thought about the rejection. Hell no. Acting in the heat of the moment, I fired a nasty text back, telling him to beat it. It wasn't pretty, but I felt vindicated. It wasn't like I was married to the guy. I met him while getting some facial grooming done at the local apothecary, we exchanged glances, I gave him my number, we hung out. We hung out again, I drank too much, felt weird, left. The next couple of times he offers to hang out, reneges at the eleventh hour. Ouch. Now, I'm not a pussy, this isn't the first time this has happened, as you soon shall see. I just think he was the straw that broke the camel's back.
This rejection thing is starting to become an annoying, unwelcome pattern in my life, yet I seem to welcome it with each new dude I meet. It seems I've been attracting more and more insensitive guys -- unable to carry on any sort of meaningful anything outside of the bedroom. The sex is great, the conversation isn't. When I began dating here in NYC this was to be expected, but it keeps happening -- a year and a half later. Tugging at the old heartstrings. When is enough enough? Are there any decent, creative, relatively young gay men in the city?
Forget Sex and the City and clichéd anecdotes about lonely women trying to find Mr. Right in the Big Apple. Let me introduce you to 2009 and to an emerging epidemic happening all around the city, everyday: the broken gay heart. Think gay life in the concrete jungle is all boys, sex, parties and fashion? Think again.
For a lot of young, gay men, dating reality can be a bit grittier than for their straight counterparts. In the world of gay "dating" websites, sex is just one email away. But for those of us looking for something deeper (and there are a lot of us), sex doesn't suffice. Something deeper is needed. Bars? Forget about it. Have you ever met anyone substantial in a bar? I didn't think so. How hard is it to find a serious companion in a city with more men than women?
I think I'm just fed up. I think when rejection happens in quick succession it can really wear on you. It happened to me three times in about a week. Yeah. People are threatened by open people (like myself), causing them to flee the scene of the crime. I've come to the realization that for many sex is just sex -- it's not going to lead to anything, it just serves a specific purpose. I think it's important to be aware of and embrace the false sense of intimacy sex can provide. So important. Okay, so every blog will not be me acting like Dr. Phil-slash-Oprah. Promise.
Here's to another type of change happening in '09: to finding men who're interested in relationships.
Follow Justin Miller on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jambk