THE BLOG

The Parents You Meet at the Pool

06/24/2015 10:45 am ET | Updated Jun 24, 2016
Geri Lavrov via Getty Images

The MILF
Lost the baby weight through breast feeding? Went on Atkins? Or simply just wished it away. There's no way this Bay Watch girl has children! You're jealous of her string bikini, luscious hair and sun kissed curves but can't help saying "Daaam gurl you look hawt!"

The cover mom
Rash guard, board shorts, an umbrella hat, zinc on the nose, sunglasses, close toed shoes and in the shade.

She is either a vampire or part of the witness protection program.

The dad bod
Yet he has no children to call his own. Can we just call it like it is and say beer gut?

The grandparents
Gotta love them! Our own personal babysitters who have seen and loved the young side of life. They are splashing and chasing the kids while you catch up on Facebook. God bless Florida!

The wrinkled nose non-parents
How dare we bring these small wet beasts near their domain? They get mad at every noise or splash a child makes and make a distinct sound of "where are your parents?"

The parents that don't attend to their children
Their kids are probably the bane of the non-parents' existence. While these kids hose everyone with squirt guns, play chicken, crash into swimming bystanders and scream bloody murder, their parents are sitting in a far corner sipping on Mai Thais and reading "50 Shades of Grey" pretending the water banshees aren't theirs.

The over attending parent
"Don't run! No splashing! Don't go too close to the deep end!" She tells everyone. No,this isn't a life guard. This is hover-mom.

They are standing over their kid as if that child's life depended on it. Reapplying sunscreen every 15mins, reblowing the life vest and getting teary eyed when someone splashes water near the kid. Why they even bothered taking this angel into open water is beyond belief.

The question everyone silently asks:

"What's going to happen when this teen goes to college in the fall?"

The dad we never had.
He is the dream dad you wish you had at your side. He is playing and diving in the pool with the kids while mom gets to relax on the sideline. The kids are happy and you know at the end of the day they will sleep soundly thanks to this hero of the day. Bonus if he is not rocking the dad bod (but not necessary). Even the non-attending parent is putting her sex novel down to see the real fantasy. These are rare unicorns my friends.

The mom group
They come in packs and leave with the tribe. They are probably the reason why the pool has no more chairs and towels because they practically built themselves a little community on the grass. They tend to make play pens for the children in the inner circle of their chairs while the mothers cackle like hens, smearing sunscreen on each other and throwing caprisuns at the kids.

The parent cursed by teens
If you are looking for a show, this is who you watch. Especially mother-daughters.
Daughter takes off cover shirt and is wearing a bathing suit that makes a fig leaf look modest.
Mother asks if THAT is what she is wearing to the pool.

Daughter throws down a few "OMGs," " I HATE YOUs" and, " I WISH I WAS NEVER BORNs"
Mother tries to make her case. Daughter runs off to the off duty lifeguard and makes out with him.
Be careful you don't get caught watching this classic soap opera. If Mother catches you observing, she will tell you this is your future and has cursed your fate forever like Medusa in the flesh.