In week six of Children of Divorce and Changing Families' 8-week program, we do an exercise where we ask each child in the 10-12 year old group to create a set of rules that they wish their parents would follow to ease post divorce stresses.
The rules they write privately are then shared with the class, the goal of which is to create a list to present to the parent's group. Rules that start out specific to each child merge with other similar requests. The kids tweak the wording for these and other parallel rules until "stop saying mom is stupid" and "don't tell me my dad abandoned us" gets written down on a large strip of paper as the all encompassing: "Don't say bad things about my other parent".
The top ten rules listed below were the most commonly wished for, compiled from the many times I've conducted this exercise (3 times a year for the last 5 years).
1. Don't Say Bad Things About My Other Parent
This rule comes up every time we've done the exercise and almost always in the top five. It also seeps into many other exercises, from one where kids express their feelings artistically on postcards (see example below) to one where kids role play an advice-giving radio talk show. They really want to know how to stop the "bad-mouthing," especially those kids who have actually asked their parents to stop only to be told "you need to know what kind of person your ____is" or, "it's not bad-mouthing if it's true."
The kids want you to know that they "don't care if it's true;" they just "want it to stop" because "hearing bad things about someone I love hurts my heart".
The above rule is so pervasive that even after isolating it, it haunts our next rule:
2. Keep Us Out Of Adult Stuff
Bad mouthing the parent doesn't have to be an outright proclamation. It can be the subtle or not so subtle release of information beyond the child's years of comprehension and/or need to know. There is no educational or emotional value in telling a child, "there will be no ____ because your other parent is behind on child support," or "your ____ left us because they're boinking a co-worker".
3. Don't Make Me Feel Bad For Loving The Other Parent
At 11, Aaron (the inspiration for my work in this area), was the only child of three still willing to endure his mothers wrath in order to continue seeing his dad. He braved being called "stupid just like your dad," constant questioning -- "why do you want to be with the person who broke up our family?" -- and having his bags packed by the front door after being told, "if you like him so much, just go live with him."
By 14 he had given in, but only after the entire other side of the family sat him down and told him he was being a "traitor to his real family" for continuing to see his dad against his moms wishes and that he had to choose "us or him."
What I really want parents to understand is that while they may think their actions are only punishing their ex, they are also (and often even more so) punishing their child.
I'm pretty sure every parent reading this can imagine how sad and deprived their child would be without their special love. Can being deprived of the other parents' love be any less sad? With that knowledge, would you still do something that makes your child any degree of sad, just to punish your ex?
4. Learn To Get Along For Big Events
Kids want and deserve to have both parents at their game/play/graduation. You don't have to stand next to each other, but don't "hide the date" from the other parent.
5. Don't Make Me Choose Sides
They want you to know this is "the worst thing you could ever make a kid to do."
6. No Fighting In Front Of Us
As a prelude to one of our coping exercises, the kids have to pick a common situation that makes them so uncomfortable that they have to "get out of there." Seeing or hearing their parents fight is the one that comes up the most.
7. Don't Make Me A Messenger Or Put Me In The Middle
Even sending simple messages through your child is a burden. It's not their job to remember to pass the message along, get the message right, get an answer and then deliver the response back to you. They want you to "find a way to communicate."
8. Don't Share Or Take Your Anger Out On Me.
This one probably has the most variety in how it's written: "Don't share your anger with me," "shelter me from your anger," "don't take your anger at them out on me." But my favorite is "let me still be a happy kid."
9. Don't Ask Me To Spy
Our November group had a girl who was actually given a notebook to write her observations in. It's heartbreaking to understand that her sharing of this deed was really more of a confession. She knew it was wrong, but wanted to be an obedient daughter.
10. Give Me One-On-One Time With Both Parents
This rule and "give me equal time with both parents" would actually be higher on the list if we didn't separate them from their kin. But because there are powers (courts) that may keep this rule from becoming a reality, we often suggest that the kids try to steer away from the "equal" wording. That works about half the time. But not at all when we have one of those rare kids who gets to stay in their home while their parents rotate in and out. Then the request becomes downright insistent: "we stay home, you switch houses every week!".
To see a video showing all the steps of this eye-opening exercise and help the book it inspired become a reality, click here.
So I did the good mom things. I never bad-mouthed my ex, I never asked him for child support that was awarded me, I sent my children to visit at every opportunity although they wound up staying with his parents & family with whom I remained in often-friendly contact. The youngest never even met his dad since we split while he was still a baby and he simply chose not to see his sons. I let them talk about him and dredged up good things from my memory; as they were young I had to use a lot of repeats.
When my older son was in his 20's and had looked up his dad several times, he finally asked me why we had split up. His father had died by then, judging him ready to hear the truth I did so as matter-of-factly as possible. He said "I thought it was all your fault since you never said anything and our grandmother didn't like you at all."
Sigh.
I do hope they are both proud of me, and it's a pleasure to hear a complete stranger say such lovely things.
Have a nice evening, and thank you for taking a moment to read and respond to my comment,
Emma
If only we as parents could put aside our differences and focus on raising our children in a stable, relatively happy home so they wouldn't have to endure a situation they are not emotionally prepared to handle. I did that with my second husband so that my children wouldn't suffer again, but it didn't seem any better when we divorced in their 30's. Ah, well. Maybe it's inevitable, hey? But I'm with you, I wish people could quash that desire to inform their children of the whys and faults they perceive in their spouses. Kids are far wiser than we know, and if they want a frank discussion they'll start one.
I can only say 'live and learn' and be happy regardless.
I also work with foster to adopt families. I have long fantasized that ALL committed couples be required to take a portion of the money that they spend on their wedding and put it toward seeing a marital counselor or attending a seminar. Less money toward the grand wedding and investing in your marriage-to-be would undoubtedly result in fewer divorces. Maybe even fewer marriages.
It's all about the kids, folks. You chose to have them; it's your job to make sure that they are not triangulated into your mess. Don't talk about the other parent unless you have something nice to say! The article is one that I will continue to use during the child development ages and stages. Thank you Ms. Bishop!
I'm sorry I haven't been part of the discussion, with only 7 days left before my project expires I've been busy hunting down every collaborative lawyer and mediator in the country to send them a link.
But I am going to read through them all this weekend and comment back where I think I'm qualified. Please keep in mind that I'm not a psychologist and my experience is really just having listened to the hundreds of kids that have gone through our program.
I know there are truly bad parents who don't belong in the lives of any children, but those are thankfully few. These rules are not meant for those situations, nor any involving abuse or violence.
These rules are for the parents of the child who had a normal, loving relationship with a parent prior to the divorce. These kids deserve to be able to continue that relationship without negative interference, to do otherwise feels like an undeserved punishment to the child, not to mention that the damage can carry on into adulthood as a few of you have shared here.
I'd also like to take this chance to thank all of you who clicked over and contributed to the book, here's hoping that by March it will be in the hands of the parents who need to have their eyes opened in a more compelling way than the 4-hour court ordered lecture many states assign.
Kara
My children have been abducted and are being held in Japan by my estranged wife. In Japan, their is no joint custody, there is no enforceable visitation, they don't honor foreign custody orders, etc.
It has been 9 months since I last spoke to my children. They asked to see me, but my wife then cut off all communication. The Japanese Government won't change, and the US Government says nothing they can do.
I've unfortunately learned that Japan is one of the biggest culprits of International Child Abduction; and foreigners have essentially no rights.
Anyhow, I appreciate you trying to educate parents more about the their impact on children.
I'm sorry I haven't been part of the discussion, with only 7 days left before my project expires I've been busy hunting down every collaborative lawyer and mediator in the country to send them a link.
But I am going to read through them all this weekend and comment back where I think I'm qualified. Please keep in mind that I'm not a psychologist and my experience is really just having listened to the hundreds of kids that have gone through our program.
I know there are truly bad parents who don't belong in the lives of any children, but those are thankfully few. These rules are not meant for those situations, nor any involving abuse or violence.
These rules are for the parents of the child who had a normal, loving relationship with a parent prior to the divorce. These kids deserve to be able to continue that relationship without negative interference, to do otherwise feels like an undeserved punishment to the child, not to mention that the damage can carry on into adulthood as a few of you have shared here.
I'd also like to take this chance to thank all of you who clicked over and contributed to the book, here's hoping that by March it will be in the hands of the parents who need to have their eyes opened in a more compelling way than the 4-hour court ordered lecture many states assign.
Kara
When I have a glass of wine in front of my 16 year old and say "sorry, you can't", I don't feel guilty for having mine, But I don't think that we should "empower" (the #1 most abused word of the century) them to with too much say. They must know they are loved by two, and will continue to be loved by two, but separately. Anything more is promising "the world". That may sound incompassionate, dictatorial, though it's not meant to. YES, we should take the children, who didn't ask for their family to crumble around them, and their feelings/needs into consideration. But some things they don't understand, and we can't expect them to, until they've developed the emotional maturity to do so.
Its important for me to emphasize, I have a 16 year old son from which I'm basing my divorce experience...Not a 6 or 10 year old. That's a very different ballgame; more difficult in some ways, but easier in others.
You sound extremely mature for your age. I looked at another post of yours regarding divorce, and it occurred to me that the divorce you have "gone through" has likely hastened your maturity. Is this good? Or is this not so good? I think it it is both.
You seem to have developed some very good insight into the effects of your parents' divorce . Though this was not something you chose to occur, nevertheless it has been placed on your plate. You are going to be okay. I can just tell.
2) If are not joyful, loyal, honest, helpful, and thoughtful to your partner, then you have not made a family, and should not allow yourselves to create/bring in a child who has to live in your garbage.
3) Not everyone is prepared or willing to be a hands-on parent that the child needs to guides and encourage. Children are not born with a gene that tells them all they need to know and do. Adults have to teach and guide children (You will always be a child who should be learning. No adult is going to teach you about getting a mortgage when you are 8 or 16 or 20.).
4) Divorce can be verry peaceful, despite occassional problems; still less arguing to listen to. Buuut
a single parent having a job and raising a child is a very dangerous thing.
seghir taana in facebook i love u all ,hhasnaoui@yahoo.fr
What if it just didn't work out like you planned? Which, I'm guessing is the way most of these marriages started, and ended. No one intends to divorce. And many, like me, don't even want to divorce, but find no alternatives due to infidelity, abuse?
And finally, a single parent having a job and raising a child is certainly not a dangerous thing. A more perilous and harmful thing is living in a marriage with abuse and infidelity and demonstrating to your children that that is acceptable.
I'm with you, it can be done, but it takes all parties involved putting their own feelings aside for the good of the kids. You can have all the feelings you like, but work them out with someone other than the children.
How old are you?
I've seen extreme bitterness, but when you see the light come on in a couple's eyes and you realize you might have actually helped them, not only with their finances, but with realizing their children are what matters, it feels good.
At least your practice has an opportunity to focus this required reading. Kudos and keep feelin' good.
Would be nice if some parents rights organizations joined forces and helped provide these. Both pre-divorce and post.