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Kara Wahlgren Headshot

For the Love of Olaf, Can We Stop Dissecting Frozen?

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There's something I need to address about Frozen: I'd like everyone to please stop addressing things about Frozen. Seriously. I'm burnt out on Frozen stories. If I read one more article micro-analyzing this movie and digging up all its supposedly dirty secrets, I'm going to cryokinetically build a meat freezer and lock myself inside.

There was the complaint that Elsa and Anna's eyeballs were bigger than their wrists, thus creating an unrealistic dimorphism between genders. Because realism is obviously a huge concern in a movie with a talking snowman and a girl who can build an ice castle with a few sweeping hand gestures.

Then there was the revelation that Frozen's "secret villains" are Elsa and Anna's parents, which is kind of like saying Scar was the secret villain of The Lion King. They exiled their daughter for being different. Maybe they meant well, but I doubt anyone thought they were heroes.

Also, apparently Frozen is the most progressive Disney film ever. For starters, it doesn't end with true love breaking a spell for the princess (spoiler alert ahead in case you're really worried about spoilers even though the movie came out five months ago). It ends with the love of family breaking the spell, which is groundbreaking except the same thing also happened in Brave. Also, we get a fleeting glimpse at a two-dad family, which is cool. Granted, it's so fleeting that there was a bit of a debate about whether that was actually the shopkeeper's hubby and kids, or just a dude with a really tiny wife. Still, that split-second scene spawned even more blog posts about whether Frozen was pushing a "gay agenda." No, really. (That same blogger complained that the movie is "anti-obedience"; if you're worried about that, stick to Finding Nemo so your kids realize that the first time they defy you, they'll probably be kidnapped by an Australian scuba diver.)

Then there was a round of discussion over whether a deleted scene, in which the sisters actually hung out during their formative years, would have changed the game of the movie. Yeah, it probably would have -- I'm guessing that's why it was deleted. In Cars, there was a deleted scene in which McQueen's engine was transplanted, Body Snatchers-style, into a road paver. It was all kinds of creepy. Deleted scenes are usually deleted for a reason.

There was also the backlash over Elsa's transformation during "Let It Go" -- the knee-high slit in her skirt is too sexy and her hips are entirely too swishy. Never mind that the gloves she peels off were literally used to suppress her power -- the scene was compared to Sandy's bad-girl makeover in Grease. (One girl builds her own kingdom and the other takes up smoking, but I guess it's the same.)

Most recently, there was a post from a mom who believes "Let It Go," the movie's anthem of self-acceptance, actually serves as a "protest song" for kids who are fed up with the banishment aspect of time-out. Because a two-minute time-out is just like being exiled in your bedroom for a decade.

My personal analysis? Frozen has double the princesses. It has a big anthem with small words for toddler-sized divas. Elsa's superpower, in its best moments, is the visual equivalent of Spider-man shooting glitter, which is awesome. If you think Frozen is going to shape your kid's development, don't worry -- you have way more pull than that. It's just a movie. I watched The Little Mermaid a few zillion times as a tween, and I never had the urge to run away with a sailor or wear a shell bra.

So if something about Frozen is bothering you, I think you know what I'm about to say: Please, for the sanity of moms everywhere who can't handle another analysis of Frozen, let it go. Let. It. Go. LET IT $%^&ING GO.

If you want to know the secret, hidden, subliminal agenda of Frozen, look no further than Kristen Anderson and Bobby Lopez's Oscar speech: "Never let fear and shame keep you from celebrating the unique people that you are." Oh, and it's totally possible to pull off a braid with formalwear.