06/14/2007 02:04 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Direct Flight, Paris to New Orleans

Paris Hilton thinks it's no longer cute to act dumb. Moreover, she apologized to the girls who looked up to her when she was acting cute and dumb.

Here is my open invitation:

Dear Paris,

Now that you've become more spiritual and want to get involved with charity work, where better than New Orleans? You can probably get pointers on charitable living from our new residents Brad and Angelina. They'll be taking a little time off and may be able to meet you for a latte.

Barbara Walters said you have now gone 48 hours without moisturizer. Move to New Orleans and you will never need moisturizer again. I've been back in the Midwest for almost two years and look 90. New Orleans in the summer is like living in a facial.

In the Walters interview, you mentioned that the press is covering you more than the soldiers in Iraq, so you know Iraq is there. Now find New Orleans. We are heartened by your statement that, "Now, I would like to make a difference. ... God has given me this new chance." There are not many couches left to crash on, since 300,000 people are adrift in the world. To put it in perspective, that's a person for every dollar you get paid to party overseas for 20 minutes.


New Orleans needs increased awareness now more than ever. The repaired levees are already leaking. The Corps of Engineers can't make any promises. That's scarier than when they were making promises. But it's alright, when the rains come you can stay at the Hilton. Probably for free. We call that a vertical evacuation, and you should keep that room on reserve.

A dozen days into our six-month hurricane season, the man-made Mr. GO Oil Canal is still aimed into the heart of the Gulf Coast like a bullet. Even the Corps agrees it should be filled in. We all agree on a lot of things that have not been done.

We agree that your promise to quit drinking and driving is wonderful. New Orleans will make that easy. You can walk with your drink. We are short on mental health facilities, but self medication is at an all time high. Trumpeter Kermit Ruffins' CD was panned in a jazz magazine so he explained to the Times Picayune's Keith Spera that, "It feels like it was totally unrehearsed because of the big reefer party and the beer-drinking bar-hopping in the limousine before the show." You should either drink and walk or party in limos.

There's the Tinkerbell factor. A class action lawsuit was filed Monday by nine New Orleans pet owners who say their dogs were killed after Hurricane Katrina. Animal protection groups need you. PETA's pushing for your chicken activism. You could lobby against cockfighting. It's still legal down here, and it would sound hot when you talk about it.

Our coroner needs you to donate $150,000 to finish a mausoleum for the hundred unclaimed bodies still waiting for a decent burial. That's the cost of half a party appearance.

Our dead zone with Mississippi runoff from the rest of the country is growing. Fish can't live in it. There goes sushi.

And our New Orleans Musicians Relief Fund needs you. We won't spend your donation dollars on a fancy office building, or any office at all for that matter. We work wherever we are. Learned that on a four-month evacuation getting 501c3 certified between FEMA rooms and Starbucks internet connections.

New Orleans is on the Most Endangered Landmarks List. There are more good causes there than anywhere else in the country right now, so start as soon as you're out of lockup. Skip the charity dollhouse idea. Build a Parish Hilton FEMA Trailer. Children around the country can play with them and realize that Barbie doesn't fit in her trailer so well.

You could get a walk-in in K-Ville, the new cop series filmed in the Hollywood of the South. Or a cameo in the new Disney princess cartoon.

I can guarantee that you have never been to better parties. We dress up at the drop of a hat. We don't spend time social climbing -- there's room for every lost soul who rolls down the country to New Orleans. There always has been. At the St. Patrick's Parade when they throw cabbages and carrots for Irish stew, Nicole could eat. Al Sharpton would like you again. Anderson Cooper is here right now. I think he parties.

Your lawyer said apparently you didn't want to eat, drink our use the toilet out of fear the jailers would take pictures of you peeing. Nobody in New Orleans cares. Tourists pee everywhere. We're resigned to it.

And your 8 x 10 cell is good practice for FEMA trailer empathy. When someone complains about the walls closing in on them and you say I KNOW, you really will. New Orleans needs your empathy now more than ever. "This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done," you said about your pending month in jail. Come down and meet people who waited on their roof for rescue helicopters as they watched their loved ones drown.

Help us help the rest of the country remember.