10/25/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Tales of the Subprime: Troubled Asset on a Bender

"Can I see some ID?"

"Don't have any," said the faded manila folder listing toward a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Proof of income?" the bartender asked gamely.

"Don't have that either," answered the thin file.

"Then you must be a -- "

"Yes, I'm a Troubled Asset!"

The bartender slid the whiskey toward Troubled Asset with a grim: "Heard the president talking about you tonight. Said you've been passed along a bit."2008-09-25-folder.jpg

"Hell, I've been sold from small town subprime lending markets all the way to international debt consolidation. The Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act was a turning point - small town thrifts are now only examined every five years instead of every two years."

"You mean the one from McCain's old economic adviser Phil Gramm? As in Americans are a Nation of Whiners?"

"Yeah, that's the guy. Do you know what a motivated predatory lender can pull off in five years? It was never going to last," Troubled Asset said after guzzling a folderful of Jack Daniels. "They call us liar loans, but how the hell can I lie? I'm a freaking manila folder. There are only three pieces of paper in me, not including a Social Security Number!"

T.A. then digressed into a drunken rant on John McCain's Keating Five $500 billion bank bailout being invoked by Chicago Mayor Richard Daley after the McCain Campaign's anti-Daley ad. "Now I'm the new bailout scapegoat, $700 billion from taxpayers with no oversight of executive golden parachutes. Way to blame the loan file and not the actual predatory lenders!"

"Tough luck buddy," said the bartender beginning to doubt he was going to be paid for the drinks, much less tipped. "I wouldn't wish that kind of luck on any file folder. "

"You think that's bad?" answered Troubled Asset. "Thanks to me, the Palin / McCain administration debates are canceled."