Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen the Season 6, Episode 3 on HBO's "True Blood," titled "You're No Good."
A house guest who stopped watching the show after Season 3 and had the pleasure of viewing with me this weekend was amused: "We have to watch the vampire soap opera?"
Yes, we do, I replied, and then we practiced our best Sook-aaaays. We noticed a few conflicts.
Sookie vs. Willa
Willa is the new Sookie. Think about it. Eric kidnaps her, she's sympathetic to the cause, sassy, and wants to suck his blood. When the governor tracks them down, Tara makes a run for it with Willa in tow, thus driving the plot forward. This used to be Sookie's job.
But Sookie's too busy being holed up with Niall and Jason, hiding out from Warlowe. This dude is starting to get on my nerves. Can he just show up already? Or is he like the smoke monster from "Lost"?
But I digress. Sookie's hardened over the years. She used to just drop her pants for vamps, but tonight she dropped over twenty f-bombs. She's also lost any love for Bill, rightfully, as she defies his request for blood after he storms in. His super Lilith power might have been a turn on three seasons ago, but now he just seems like a big jerk. I can't help thinking that she may be right thinking he's deranged. Yes, he can see the future, but he messed up thinking Lilith blood could save him from the sun, and I'm not sure his mission to synthesize fairy blood is any less crazy than Jason's racist ramblings. As Sookie said: You're not god, you're an asshole.
Vamps vs. Fairies
Are we convinced that Ben is the new love interest? I'm still on the fence about him. Sure, he and Sook can feel each other, but I don't like him. As all the action around the house took place, and Nora shows up and Jason goes down, Ben bends his knee to the king and it seems like something fishy's afoot. It was too easy for him to just 'bump' into Niall looking for the fairy club and clue in. He reminds me of a serial killer returning to the scene and ingratiating himself with law enforcement as a cover, but then again, I watch a lot of crime drama.
Andy finally returns from paternity leave to find a station house full of arms to fight the vamps and a gaggle of pre-pubescent fairy girls. I like Andy so much that I hate to see Vampire Bill get all goo-goo-eyed over his brood's blood. Especially since there are more serious matters at hand. In the most entertaining turn of events, the Governor has set up scary research camps/prisons for vampires and their most valuable asset is none other than flip-flopper Steve Newlin. His Fellowship of the Sun wife, Sarah, is there to welcome him, complete with her Michelle Bachman hair-do. This amuses me to no end. And now he's going to inform on Eric, who needs to get his act together quick. Can't he and Bill just get along and figure something out?
Sarah Newlin ❤'s hairspray and Jesus. #trueblood
— Anna Camp (@TheRealAnnaCamp) July 1, 2013
Sam vs. His Libido
If you haven't noticed yet, I am not a Sam fan and never was. But we're not getting rid of the Vampire Unity Society plot anytime soon, so we might as well mention it. Those crazy VUS kids show up at Alcide's looking to grab some viral shifting footage for their cause. When the wolves go at them, Sam shifts from an owl and runs in to grab Emma. First of all, I'm concerned about how many times Emma has seen him naked (again, too much crime drama). Secondly, he was there to grab Emma. He gets her, finally, and then they run off to go help the VUS girl that's being chased down by Alcide's crazy girlfriend and crew. And he totally blew off Lafayette's offer to help. Can you blame me for yawning?
What did you guys think of the scary vampire camps? Is Ben our new Alcide? And what's wrong with Jason?
Let me know what you think in the comments or tweet me. Then, put your tape back on.
Correction: A previous version of this recap misidentified the character of Willa as Willow.