Holy Ambitions

After watching Sarah Palin's performance on Katie Couric, as well as her rote responses to questions at the debates last night, it occurred to me that if this clearly unqualified woman, with limited intellect, can run for the Vice Presidency then certainly I can do anything I want.

So, I've decided to run for Pope. Who cares if I'm an unobservant Jew who knows nothing about Catholicism, I think I'd look really good with those big funny hats and I can picture myself waving from the Popemobile and settling in Rome. I get along well with people, have an accessible smile and some say I'm perky and cute. And I really think I'd have great rapport with cardinals. I mean I really like birds and everything. I even met a priest once in an airport and he seemed to really, really like me.

Atlhough Sarah Palin has offically sworn off mainstream media interviews I also think I'd do very well in a katie Couric interview.

"Ms. Friedman, why do you think you should be Pope?" asks Couric., her head tilted slightly to the left.

"Why not?" I would answer confidently, staring into the camera like a pro. " I like to drink wine and eat bread and, geez, I think I'd do really well at blessing people."

"Well," Katie continues, boring her eyes into me. "Don't you think that the first woman pope should really be a scholar in Catholic doctrine and speak Latin? I understand you barely speak English and it's your first language."

"Geez, Katie, I really resent that. English good I speak and believe, I do, in a strong God that fights corruption and greed. Life is sacred and I know, personally, I prefer it to death. And, btw, I do speak Latin. So 'Amscray, AtieK..."

"Ms. Friedman, with all respect, i think that's Pig Latin..

"Darn right, Katie. I think popes should speak Pig Latin. Put lipstick on pig latin and it's just latin. And by the way, I also love bacon which every Jew craves and I'm sure is served at the Vatican."

" What's your favorite Gospel and are there any declarations in the Vatican Council II that you take issue with?"

"Ah.....I really like Aretha Franklin, although you might say she sang more soul than gospel. And really a decree is a decree so what's the difference between Vatican I, II, IiI. You might say I'd be a maverick pope and have a maverick vatican and bless all your hearts, I would be the pope of change, except on issues where the church never changes."

"Well, Ms. Friedman, many commentators have wondered how an unobservant Jew can become pope?"

"Doggone it, Katie, that's such an unfair question and shows your liberal bias. America is the land of opportunity where no child, especially with special needs, is left behind. Don't forget that Jesus was a Jew. He saw opportunties and took them, just like I am today.

"Now here's the final question. You've admitted you know nothing about Catholicism, or anything else for that matter. How do you expect to learn thousands of years of theological history and doctrine before becoming the pope?"

"Katie, there you go again. I'm great at memorization. And I can answer that in five words: I'll just drill, baby, drill."

"

Comments

[DRsnthl]

Wow, who knew my cousin was so funny AND insightful

[nathanray]

Frighteningly funny.

[DQKennard]

Being male, maybe I should become Pope first so I could change the rules to allow women Popes (and Priests, too, what the heck, though we wouldn't call them "Priestesses", because that'd sound all pagan 'n stuff). *Then* she could be Pope. Yup yup.

[RickO]

If you ever become Pope, please put these on your todo list:

1. Expand the list of bless-able body functions beyond sneezing to include hiccups, poots and minor incontinence.
2. Canonize Henry Rollins
3. Wear lime-green Crocs under your vestments, just for laughs.
4. Redecorate the Vatican with stuff from Ikea.
5. Give your mass in English for chrissake. If it was good enough for Jesus it should be good enough for the Pope.
6. Allow the teaching of Atheism as "Intelligent Religion" in catholic schools.

Good luck!

[Garioch]

Unfortunately for your future employment you miss the one qualification for the job there is. You are not male, other than that as long as you are not a heretic, in schism or involved in simony and you could have been a contender.
A swift conversion to Catholicism prior to the election and you would have been in with a shout but the female thing? Sorry but that rules you out.