Decoding Mr. Bush

I usually live in a reality-based world. This precludes me from instantly understanding a George W. Bush speech. But after some analysis, I think I have it. And not everything he said was a lie.
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I usually live in a reality-based world. This precludes me from instantly understanding a George W. Bush speech, like the one he gave last Sunday night. But after some analysis, I think I have it. And not everything he said was a lie.

On Sunday night, Bush said: In the coming weeks, the ballots will be counted, a new [Iraqi] government formed, and a people who suffered in tyranny for so long will become full members of the free world.

What he was really saying: While all the same people will sign them, Production Sharing Agreements and other contracts will soon be far more legally robust than the ones Bremer, Negroponte and Khalilzhad concluded with the previously unfree and un-elected occupation government in Iraq. Cheney told me this is a good thing.

Bush said: This election will not mean the end of violence.

What he was really saying: This election will not mean the end of violence.

Bush said: This loss [of American fiscal solvency, moral standing in the world, over 30,000 Iraqi citizens, and over 2,200 Americans plus another 25,000 or more permanently maimed] has caused sorrow for our whole nation -- and it has led some to ask if we are creating more problems than we're solving.

What he was really saying: You people questioning my war in Iraq are idiots. Don’t you know Saddam tried to kill my dad!

Bush continues: This is not the threat I see. I see a global terrorist movement that exploits Islam in the service of radical political aims -- a vision in which books are burned, and women are oppressed, and all dissent is crushed.

What he was really saying: Global terrorism can only be combated by more global terrorism, like the kind I pursue. I’ve been working hard to harness dispensational religious dogma with neoconservative militarism to achieve my own radical political aims. Especially that one about dissent being crushed. But we’ll get to that later…

Bush said: ...if we were not fighting [terrorist] in Iraq, in Afghanistan, in Southeast Asia, and in other places, the terrorists would not be peaceful citizens, they would be on the offense, and headed our way.

What he was really saying: World War III is on, and I’m the Commander in Chief, see? It’s all good.

Bush said: We will defeat the terrorists by capturing and killing them abroad, removing their safe havens, and strengthening new allies like Iraq and Afghanistan in the fight we share.

What he was really saying: Terrorists are just like cedar trees back in Crawford. Except, you know, they can relocate and have relatives and sympathizers and educations and access to satellite TV and political grievances they seek to address. But otherwise, they are exactly the same.

Bush: For every scene of destruction in Iraq, there are more scenes of rebuilding and hope.

What he was really saying: You ought to see the new bases we built! They even have Burger Kings!

Bush said: For every life lost, there are countless more lives reclaimed.

What he was really saying: We are creating hundreds of thousands of new Iraqi voters. In the January elections we had 255,611 Iraqi expatriots voting from places like London, Washington and Tehran. There will be even more Iraqi voters when we get the ballots counted this week. And you people whine about 30,000 dead Iraqis inside the country!

And sometimes, hearing just the last part of the President’s sentences explains everything.

Bush said: It is also important for every American to understand the consequences of pulling out of Iraq before our work is done. We would abandon our Iraqi friends and signal to the world that America cannot be trusted to keep its word.

What he was really saying: America cannot be trusted to keep its word.

Bush: We would undermine the morale of our troops by betraying the cause for which they have sacrificed.

What he was really saying: They have sacrificed.

Bush: We would cause the tyrants in the Middle East to laugh at our failed resolve, and tighten their repressive grip.

What he was really saying: And you have to admit, our buddies in Pakistan and Saudi Arabia do have an impressive repressive grip!

Bush: We would hand Iraq over to enemies who have pledged to attack us and the global terrorist movement would be emboldened and more dangerous than ever before.

What he was really saying: Because of our policies and actions in Iraq, the global terrorist movement is emboldened and more dangerous than ever before.

Bush said: To retreat before victory would be an act of recklessness and dishonor, and I will not allow it.

What he was really saying: Seriously folks, all that recklessness and dishonor in our foreign policy so far? Cheney made me do it. But starting right now, I will not stand for it! What’s that, Dick? Oh. Sorry. Never mind.

Bush finally got to the crux of the speech, and said: To those of you who did not support my decision to send troops to Iraq: I have heard your disagreement, and I know how deeply it is felt. Yet now there are only two options before our country -- victory or defeat. And the need for victory is larger than any president or political party, because the security of our people is in the balance.

What he was really saying: We are in real danger here! If the war critics, and the courts keep pointing out the falsehoods, illegalities and global ambitions that have animated my foreign policy, my people (and Dick’s) will be hung on gallows after a war crimes trial like none this nation has ever seen. Is that what you want? It’s Christmas, for gosh sakes! Where the heck is your holiday spirit?

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