Confessions Of A Golf Widow Post US Open

I am a golf widow. No, my husband did not get hit on the head by some freak ball gone astray, although that might be better because then people would bring me casseroles, give me pitying looks and eventually set me up on dates with hot younger men to help me through my "transition time."

Owing to my husband's passionate love (some would say obsession, requiring a twelve-step program) of golf, it has become the backdrop of my life. If my husband is not reading about golf, he is watching the endless parade of tournaments (The US Open, The British Open, The PGA Tour) that populate The Golf Channel morning, noon and night.

Even poker, the most popular game around, does not have its own channel. Sure, you can see the World Series of Poker and various other tournaments on ESPN, but that's just one of their many offerings. ESPN is a nice, well-rounded, equal-opportunity sports channel dedicated to all games, everywhere, not just the obsessive-compulsive promotion of one sport!

It doesn't end there, either. My husband likes to debrief his golf games with me by giving me a play by play of each hole, in detail. Last week he provided me with a rundown of his game that included the following description: "I hit the ball a little thin off the tee on the 8th hole, but somehow thanks to a long roll and a good chip, I one-putted to make par."

The scary part is that I understood everything he was talking about and I don't even play golf. When, I started to wonder, did expressions such as "good chip" become part of my college-educated, well-read vocabulary

In the spirit of "if you can't beat them, join them," I did give golf a try. I took a few lessons and played a few rounds but just could not seem to get the hang of getting the ball up in the air, which made my golf game more like lawn bowling. Besides, spending four or five hours hitting a little white ball towards an equally small hole, very far away, did not strike me as the best use of my time.

All this being said, I am glad my husband has golf; it's his relaxation, his down time, his passion. It keeps him from losing it when the stress of work, life and wife gets to him. Of course, all hobbies have their limits and all marriages require compromise and negotiation to strike that delicate balance between what you need, they need and you need together. Hardly a holiday or vacation goes by where we don't have to work out how much golf will be played and when, but so far we seem to be managing okay, and things could be worse.

One friend of ours recounted a story about a friend of his, who was so into golf he walked down the aisle with his golf clubs. Excuse me? "I never would have married that guy," I said emphatically to our friend. My husband was oddly silent on the subject.

Copyright © Karen Leland 2009, All Rights Reserved. If you want to reprint any or all of this article feel free but please follow the Creative Commons License guidelines and give me both attribution as its creator and a link back to this site. Thanks!

Karen Leland is author of the recently released books Watercooler Wisdom: How Smart People Prosper In the Face of Conflict, Pressure and Change and Time Management In An Instant:60 Ways to Make the Most of Your Day. She is the co-creator of a new line of Productivity Pads from Time Tamer™ and the co-founder of Sterling Consulting Group and its subsidiary Sterling Marketing Group. You can follow her on twitter at kfleland. For questions, comments or to book Karen to speak at your next event, please e-mail [e-mail].

Follow Karen Leland on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Karenleland

Comments

[2Busy]

The many misconceptions about widowhood have definitely made being one more difficult. Casseroles arrived only in the first week. The shock was still too great for us to eat. Almost everyone who promised to help never showed up.

I often don't say that I am a widow. I am not interested in pitying looks, invasive questions, or surprised comments about how amazing I am and how they could never do what I do. We are all trying to figure out how best to survive and thrive. We have to do what we can. What we think we can or can not handle isn’t an issue. We didn’t get to vote.

I am hurt by your comment regarding dates with “hot, younger men.” That is going to further misconceptions when all the widows and widowers I know don’t want anyone but their own spouse back. “Transition time?” That will be the rest of my life. As pain slowly becomes less raw and overwhelming, I will still go through birthdays, anniversaries, etc. all the while feeling the painful echo of his absence. The hole in my heart can not be filled. He can not be replaced.

You are right when you say, “things could be worse.” There are still no words to adequately describe it. I hope you never find out. Having your husband hit on the head by a, “freak ball gone astray,” would not be the better choice. Trust me.

Wishing you and your family much peace.

[temsprincess]

You must be one of the most insensitive people on the face of the planet; to actually state that you might be better off if your husband was dead.

“although that might be better because then people would bring me casseroles, give me pitying looks and eventually set me up on dates with hot younger men to help me through my "transition time."”

If you think that is what widows go through, you are sadly mistaken. People come to the funeral because they feel obligated...then they disappear and you are left to fend for yourself and your children...alone. There have been no casseroles. And no matter how much it still hurts after fifteen months, there are no pitying looks. At three months out people were ready for me to stop mourning. I was told to “get off your ass, open the curtains, and go on with your life”. As for dates with hot younger men, who has time? I’m working a full time job, taking care of my son ALONE and taking care of my home and car...again, ALONE.

It’s only golf...get over it.

[nwbravesfan]

As a young widow, my experience over the last 16 months has been widowhood does not actually play out like the Lifetime Movie of the Week.

No one brought casseroles. They sent flowers, which was great since I threw up everything for the first 3 weeks anyway. The pitying looks serve as a reminder I'm no longer half of a couple. I'm the "poor girl whose husband died." I have lost friends because they now see me as a reminder of their own mortality.

I'm not going to wake up one day magically cured-I don't have the flu. I'm moving forward with my life. I'm meeting new people, but they aren't hot young guys my friends set me up with. They don't know any; they know married ones. I'm meeting fellow widowed guys and divorced guys up to their eyeballs in baby mama drama.

Prior to James' death, I was a "WoW widow" and a "Pittsbugh Steelers widow." Being a "WoW widow" gave me time for my hobbies. I thought I didn't care about the Steelers until I realized in a few seasons, I won't recognize the team I was surprised to learn that I could actually carry on an intelligent conversation about a year ago. What I wouldn't give to have those days back.

I sincerely hope that you never have to experience this. And if you do, maybe you'll be lucky and it will play out like a movie, but I wouldn't count on it.

[mokie]

I understand the use of the phrase 'golf widow'. It's a common phrase that people use, along with 'football widow', 'basketball widow', etc. However, to expand on that, by saying it would be better for your husband to be hit on the head so you could become a real widow... well, that's just heartless.

Let's see, all those casseroles that arrived? They all went bad because when you are grieving the loss of your soulmate, they just don't look appetizing. Then you endure the comments of people telling how great you look since you've lost weight. Believe me, I don't recommend the diet.

Those pitying looks? After about 2 of them you just want to slap the next head that tilts at you. You don't want pity... You want your husband back, going over every detail of his day, even the parts that aren't that interesting, just to hear his voice again.

People setting you up with hot dates? Believe me, during that 'transition time' you get sick at the thought of someone else taking his place. Oh, but you're probably one of those people who would tell a widow to "get over it" after a month or so.

Use your little phrases all you want, but don't make it sound like widows have it so great. Go home and apologize to your husband for thinking life as a widow would be better than listening to his golf stories.

[Widoworld]

As one of many women who no longer have a husband to love golf, I might suggest revising your first paragraph. There is absolutely no perk to widow-dom. You spend almost every day wishing you weren’t alive, praying beyond all reason and sanity that your husband will return (just like yours does from the golf course).
I didn’t receive any casseroles when my husband died, but if I had, they would not have been worth the price. I am glad you have not been forced to know that you would never want a date with a hot younger man. All you want is a date with the corpse that represents not only your husband but your lost life. Note: there is no one to set up said date because all your friends deserted you after about two weeks.
A real widow watches the U.S. Open even now—not because she loves golf but because she misses the person who did love it so much that if she didn’t watch it, she would feel like she betrayed him. This weekend, I watched the U.S. Open alone. When Tiger chipped in, I turned and said, “I cannot believe he just did that!” My husband didn’t answer. I just sat there and cried, and it wasn’t due to the beauty of the shot. Regardless of the article, I hope you go home tonight and hold your husband and remember all you have to lose, all that some of us have lost.

[Sue Boyle]

You are so clueless as to what it really means to be a widow. My husband died four months ago at the age of 48 from cancer. I have three teenagers who have to live without him. He loved golf as well and I would give anything to know he was just out playing and would be back tonight. You can keep your casseroles and hot young men. The reality is a broken heart and noone to share my life experiences with. Please hug your husband when he gets home and thank god you still have him.

[TrueWidow]

Since it is glaringly obvious that you have never walked in the shadows where I walk, allow me to enlighten you on what it is really like to be a widow. I stood on the front porch of a funeral home, pouring my heart out with my tears to a stranger - ALONE - because I had to plan my husband's funeral. I had his family members treat our home like their personal shopping mall twelve hours after his funeral, and then blame me for his death after a long illness. Not ONCE did I hear from his family when I was on the floor and in tears over what I had lost to see how I was, to offer any support, or to even say that they remembered him. Despite what you may think, nobody beats down your door with cassaroles - in fact, they can't get away from you fast enough because they're afraid widowhood is contagious. I don't want to be set up on hot dates with strange men - I want my husband.

Widowhood is not in the least bit funny. It rips your soul apart. It is lonely; it is painful. I didn't choose to be a widow, it was forced upon me entirely against my will. It's not something I ever wanted. I wanted more than the one and a half years I got with my husband.

The membership fee to this awful club is steep; let's hope you'll never be forced to pay

[Alicia AZ]

...that might be better because then people would bring me casseroles, give me pitying looks and eventually set me up on dates with hot younger men to help me through my "transition time."

As a REAL widow, I have to say this is one of the most annoying things I've read in a long time. Casseroles? I couldn't eat them. Pitying looks? Filled me with anger. Hot younger men? Just give me back my husband. Transition time? My husband died 5 years ago, and I really don't know what period of time you're talking about.

I don't mind the phrases golf widow, football widow, hunting widow, etc in daily conversation, but to build on the theme as the lead of a widely read column? To see "perks" in being a widow? Uneffingbelievable. You have no idea what widowhood really is.

When your hubby has been struck by lightning on the golf course and doesn't come home. Ever. Then you can write a whole column about it.

[becky16]

This is good heads up. I might become one myself one day