Can Money Buy You More Love?

There's a famous expression: "It's just as easy to love a rich man as it is to love a poor man."

There's also a not-so-famous expression (because I'm now just making it up!): "It's just as easy to COMPLAIN about a rich man as it is to COMPLAIN about a poor man."

Although the total absence of an income might bring its share of stress into a relationship, adamantly seeking a marital partner who's a millionaire won't necessarily guarantee you a lifetime of bliss.

Consistently studies show that individuals who prioritize wealth over close human connection tend to be less happy--and this is consistent in every culture.

Sociological researcher H. W. Perkins surveyed 800 college alumni, and discovered that those who reported "yuppie values" (preferring high income, job success, and status over enjoying truly close friendships and highly-connected love relationships) were twice as likely to describe themselves as "fairly" or "very" unhappy.

Interestingly, a similar correlation appeared among 7,167 college students surveyed in 41 countries. Those who prioritized love over money reported higher life satisfaction than their money-obsessed pals.

And what about that rumor: money problems are a top cause of divorce?

Mere hearsay - according to Jan Andersen, associate professor at CSU Sacramento, who did extensive sociological research and wrote a doctoral dissertation on this very subject.

"As a predictor of divorce, money problems are ... so minor," Andersen says. "If we look at all the causes of divorce, financial problems can only account for 5% of the effect."

On an interesting note, when Anderson first embarked on his research, his goal was to prove a cause/affect link between money/divorce. Andersen was both a child of divorce and a teacher of personal finance and so he liked the concept that improving money managing skills might improve marriage success rates.

However to Andersen's surprise, the only research he found showing an actual link between money and divorce was one mere survey from 1948 -- of postwar divorced women asked what ended their marriages. Their leading response: "non-support." Translation: Hubby wasn't providing enough money.

But Andersen clarified that "non-support" was one of the only grounds you could use to get a divorce back then. Plus, this survey focused only on wives' opinions -- not husbands.

Recent research, however, consistently showed money playing a far lesser role in divorce - usually ranking about fifth in the blame line-up behind incompatibility, lack of emotional support, abuse and sexual problems.

Andersen hypothesis: Money is a more socially acceptable reason for divorce than confessing to abuse or sexual problems, so people claim it out loud more often.

Another essential point to keep in mind: Even when couples fight about money, they're often really fighting about more important underlying problems -- reminds Olivia Mellan, a Washington D.C. therapist and author of Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships.

"It's always what the money represents: dependency, control, freedom, security, pleasure, self-worth," explains Mellan.

The lesson to be learned from all this: All the money in the world won't make you happy. But a loving highly-connected relationship just might.

With this in mind, here's some priceless money/love advice:

1. When in the courting phase, make sure you and your paramour do a range of activities having nada to do with moola. Go for a picnic in the park. Eat in a greasy spoon diner. Cook at home and watch an old movie. Suss out how much you enjoy each other's company while merely putting cheese-whiz on a Ritz -- and not putting on the Ritz or staying at the Ritz!

2. Talk directly about money with your paramour. How much do you need to be happy - and why? What do you prioritize spending money on? Trips. Clothes. A fabulous home. Charity events. College Education. Plastic surgery. Saving rainforests. Do you share the same monetary priorities? Are you both compatible when it comes to being high vs. low spenders?

3. Here's another helpful and insightful paramour conversation. Together discuss how each of you relate money to self-worth, pleasure, freedom, security, dependency, control. Do you both share compatible attitudes about the underlying "value" and "role" of money?

4. Buy a bunch of gossip magazines, and read all about the troubled relationships of the rich and famous. Obviously money is not buying guaranteed happiness amongst the jet set.

5. If you insist on marrying rich, make sure your partner has a diversified "Good Character Values Portfolio"- with the full gamut of valuing communication, loyalty, warmth, friendship, family, trust, and compassion.

No doubt about it. A night spent with the right intimate partner eating tuna fish sandwiches is far more enjoyable than a night spent with the wrong partner eating lobster and caviar.

Karen Salmansohn is a best selling author who writes self-help books for people who would not be caught dead reading a self-help book, like her best seller HOW TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT. For more free happiness tips, sign up for Be Happy Dammit newsletter at www.notsalmon.com.

Comments

[MARTYB]

Despite protestations to the contrary money can buy you love or a reasonable facsimile of.

[mamacat]

Money can help one stay out of poverty; whether or not it can help one avoid misery is debatable. I think health, family, a good education, and a sufficient amount of income to avoid poverty, are prerequisites to a good life. Marriage and/or love? Folk wisdom seems to say that most marriages faulter over arguments about sex and money, in which order I don't know.

[joebiz]

HuffPost's Pick

Terrific post. It has been my experience that people in general marry the first time for love and the second and or third time for money. After a nasty and brutish divorce, one can only wonder why marry again? But, many continue to seek solace in the arms of another and the security that money affords.

It has also been my experience that if one is concerned with 'happiness' as a perpetual state of mind, then it follows that happiness can be achieved without the aid of money. Most associate money with well being or security. Money is simply the by-product of business or economic activity. Happiness is not a warm gun.
However, following a set of virtues that have cut across time and space will lead to a balanced and healthy life. These vitures are: prudence, temperance, justice, and fortitude. These Platonic, and later Christian adopted virues, are the hinges that open the door to a moral life and hence a healthy and happy, even balanced life.

If you are temperate with your money and prudent in your amorous affairs you will have more of it; if you are just to your paramour/lover then there's less tension and conflict; if you strong (fortitude) in your commitments towards your fellow humans, then you will be admired and have a less chaotic life.

If all else fails, look at those that do not have money, and see if their lives are happier.

[GrandeLatte]

OF COURSE $$$ can buy you more love. At least it give one more opportunities to meet and choose. Once settled down, money helps lubricate the marriage.

[writerforhire]

Marrying well is as much an ideal as landing a six figure right out of an Ivy League school. Women, as archaic as it sounds, prefer men with cash. Does that sound archaic? I prefer to save; I save and save and save. My favorite motto, "If it's free; it's for me! So I want and believe I deserve to marry well; up; yes I am saying it out loud. Marrying up and spend all the money he wants to shower on me while I squirrel away my raining day fund. Besides there are plenty of men on the millionaires" list and if it falls short there's always the billionaire's list. (You can get the list from Forbes.)Find one that matches your list and go to work. It may take a little longer than you think and still It is possible.

[swift goat pet for truth]

good luck.

If he can buy you , he can buy a younger you in a few years.

[DennyCrane]

I'm glad I read this article. I had bought into the myth about money issues being the biggest cause of divorce. But now I realize people just say that cause it's the easiest excuse and because it's often covering up something deeper. Unfortunately, I see a lot of women chase after money not because of all the things they can buy with it, but really because of the status and envy it brings. It's also about wanting to keep up with those in your social circle. Men and women can be pretty shallow. A lot of men go after women for their looks and a lot of women are attracted to men with money. Which is worse? Hard to say. Looks fade so it seems rather stupid to marry someone based on looks. But income usually goes up after time. It's sad, though, how many women wouldn't consider a man marriage material because of what he earns.

[nah415]

Money may not buy MORE love but it certainly appears to buy BETTER LOOKING love.

[Wilburrr]

.... a "Five Diamond" rather than a "Two Diamond" girl....

[swift goat pet for truth]

A five diamond girl is a two diamond girl with a good job.

[wayoutleft]

only if it's euro's