How To Bounce Back From A Sucky Situation

The Vortex, I call it.

Everyone has one in their life (at least one)--a time when you are tested in seemingly insurmountable ways and the weight you're carrying feels as if it's spiraling you continually downward.

Maybe your Vortex was when you were 13 and a parent suddenly died.

Or 24 and you found out your sister had breast cancer and you got fired, both in the same month.

Or 29 and discovering you could not have a child.

Or 42 and going through a divorce.

Or 51 and happily retiring, only to discover playing golf all day was a formula for depression.

My Vortex lasted about a year, during which time so many bad things happened, I kept waiting for a Candid Camera crew to appear from behind the planter in my living room. First, the real estate broker, real estate lawyer, and moving company I hired found sneaky ways to rip me off. Next, a longtime business buddy hired me to package new groovy chocolate bars, then never paid me.

But those were nothing compared to the lowest point in my Vortex: a sexual assault--which came out of nowhere--by someone I knew as an acquaintance.

After my sexual assault, one of the main things keeping me in a negative place was this uncomfortable feeling of "victimhood."

It felt particularly weird to be in a so-called victim position, because I am an optimistic self-help book author, not a helpless little twig being tossed topsy and turvy in the winds of uncontrollable fate.

Is that melodramatic of me to write or what?

But that was how I felt after the assault--out of control. I became anxiously aware that anything could happen to me at any time. And this sense of not being in control over my life created a lot of anxiety.

Later, as I began researching resilience psychology (for myself as well as a book on this subject), I discovered some interesting studies about this subject of "control."

The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology reported that the number-one contributor to well-being is not money, good looks, or popularity! No, the biggest life goodie is "autonomy," defined as "the feeling that your life--its activities and habits--are self-chosen and self-endorsed."

Studies at the University of Michigan confirmed that "Having a strong sense of controlling one's life is a more dependable predictor of positive feelings of well-being than any other objective conditions of life."

In one famous study, researchers randomly gave mice either cheese or electric shocks. The mice did everything they could to avoid the shocks and get more cheese, but when they figured out that their actions had no effect, they lapsed into a state of passive listlessness. When they were eventually given the choice (autonomy) to avoid the electric shocks or get more cheese, the mice were so bummed out they just lay there, choosing not to do anything at all!

Similarly (but with better results), psychologist Judith Rodin encouraged nursing home patients to exert more control in their lives by motivating them to make a few key changes to their environments (to decide if the air conditioning should be on or off or how furniture should be arranged). Rodin also pushed patients to request changes in various nursing home policies, which they subsequently received. As a result, 93% of these patients became more alert, active, and happy.

It just goes to show that, unlike a mouse, we homosapiens are lucky to have this thing called "consciousness." We know better than to give up, even after our autonomy has been challenged.

Meaning? If right now you're feeling so sideswiped that you're tempted to do nothing but lie around, sleep late, and watch TV--don't! Instead increase your feeling of autonomy by increasing what psychologists call your "internal locus of control," the power you have to make easy, small changes.

Here's how it works: Today create three deadlines for new projects and three exciting events to be shared with loved ones. Mark all 6 of these plans down on your calendar. Then do these things and meet these people in a timely, efficient way. Establishing deadlines--then meeting them--will absolutely help you to start to feel like the feisty, kick-ass dominatrix of your destiny that you know you are!

For more information on bouncing back, visit Karen Salmansohn at www.notsalmon.com and check out The Bounce Back Book.

Comments

[bouyant]

I'd be incredibly bummed when I didn't get all three things done and people couldn't find time to meet with me....seems like planning ONE goal and ONE meetup would be a less overwhelming and more probably successful strategy.

[jeskiley]

Hmm...strange responses to such a wonderful post. Locus of control is just the term I've been searching for, thanks for advocating for its importance. Resiliance psychology, hmm.

[kellygrrrl]

"We have nothing to Fear, but Fear Itself."

[AmericaIsATerroist]

Personally after years of feeling this way and not being able to change a thing no matter what I tried, I found the "Brute Force" doctrine to work quite well. Simply bowl over and DESTROY anything or anyone that tries to run you off the rails. I found the only way to gain control of my life was to take it and and dispense pure misery on the offending party. In no time flat my life changed 180 degrees. No more politics at work, no more bullshit from the landlord, it was amazing. It's not the way I wanted things to be but I find that fear works just as well as respect in certain circumstances.

[Vyvjala]

Simple, this coming November vote for Democrats.­..........­.

[sophiej]

wonderful advice! of course, the people who somehow benefit from anyone's state of victim paralysis get very annoyed when the victim says "enough!" we need to be prepared for that. positive change is threatening to some.

[Dragonblaster]

This is the dumbest thing I've read. I do love the Huffington post. I actually think it's a great model for what newspapers of the future will probably be like and it kicks Drudge Reports ass not solely because of political leanings but because I find a lot more articles in general. Okay that said the HUFFINGTON POST'S LIVING SECTION SUCKS!!! I read it because it's filled with eye rollingly stupid articles so poorly researched and thought out it has become an in joke.

This article for instance is not the dumbest, but it ranks with all the other dumb living articles on the site. We all have "vortexes" of pain and sorrow, and I read in a book about this neat word called "autonomy," and, man, that book was so good I'll quote some neat lines from it to help you readers out with your "vortex."

Give my a f&^kin' break. Contact me HuffPo if you want a real advice column not some card board cut out ginger bread world piece of poo created by an actress or author of some crappy fluff book. I'll tell you my credentials if you contact me.

[Pacific231]

Your criticism of this particular article is misgiven. I think bouncing back from a sexual assault qualifies as having the credibility to write this article (and books). And the article is well reasoned and soundly supported by ample factual information. Yes the content in HP Living section is very uneven but definitely not this article.

[dadw5boys]

U tell my kids to play defence with their futures. Don't lets alone drag them into their misery; misery really does loves company.
Step aside of the road blocks in placed in your life.
Go around it is often more enjoyable when you come to the end and those would be blockers turn around still in their same location and mindset. They are forever locked in the circle of control and no way out.
Go celebrate your freedom from the control freaks.

[NursePatric]

I would couple this theory with those of Change. Contemplation is the first stage of change. If you are thinking about taking back your life -- then you actually are doing something. Stay open and willing. Just thinking or saying to yourself, "I am open and willing to change." can be very powerful.

[writerforhire]

The Vortex, huh?

I authored "Cops Conspire to Deep Six Sex Assaults" regarding a still unprosecuted series of violent (beyond imagination) sexual assaults in New Jersey on a born-again Christian perpetrated because of the belief that "she will commit suicide" and "we can take over her life."

Who knows what thoughts lurk behind ‘The Vortex’? I don’t know. What I do know is that with scientific and circumstantial evidence, victim identification and testimony there has never been prosecution.

I do know that the assault was taped and the tape continues to be forwarded to everyone the victim contacts: Everyone. I know the tape is being used in attempts to frame the victim for sexual assault (female/female) and for sexual gratification. Also, that on the tape two individuals associated with crimes are explaining their reasons for rape.

I know that the victim is stalked, harassed and denied services by local law enforcement. I know her IP is sold to someone with entertainment connections. The Jersey prosecutor: Incommunicado. The ADA’s; called the victim a "mental case." And then the ADA whispered into the phone “you’ll never get prosecution now.” The Victim was denied all rights; denied any assistance; refused by the VCCB an advocate to assist in navigation, denied all legal representation and attempts were made to frame her pedophile crimes.

Even the local NY media always quick to cover violence against women in graphic detail refused to investigate.

So my list: Be vocal; be very vocal!