Love By The Pound Isn't Love At All
His name was ... well, nevermind. I'll just call him Mr. X -- because I'm sure every woman has had a Mr. X in their life. You know, that boyfriend who is completely looks-obsessed. Not about his looks, but about the woman's. My particular Mr. X was focused on finding fault with my weight -- as a size two gal.
During the course of my 6-month relationship with Mr. X, he found a variety of creative ways to call me "fat" -- beginning right smack within our first two months. Mr. X had just returned from dinner with a friend, and was sharing a tidbit from their boy talk.
"I was telling my friend all about you tonight," Mr. X began. "And he thought you sounded great -- said he's jealous. He asked if you were thin too -- said he'd be very jealous if you were thin, too. And I told him, no, no, you're not thin."
"I'm not thin?" I asked.
"No, you're not thin," Mr. X confirmed. "Thin is weighing 100 pounds. Like trophy girl thin, or my ex-wife, or models, or an Asian girl. You know, Size Zero."
"And you're telling me about this thin thing because...?" I asked Mr. X.
He ummmmmmmed in response.
"Does my weight bother you?" I prodded.
"Well...you have gained a few pounds since we first started dating. How much weight do you think you've gained?"
"Maybe five to eight pounds. Why? Is it an issue?"
"You do look a little heavier than when we first met."
"So, is this weight gain an issue?"
"I know many men care a lot about weight. But that's not who I think I am -- and that's not who I want to be," Mr. X offered in response.
Suddenly I found myself having an out-of-body experience -- where I was looking down at my body -- in every double entendre sense of "looking down at." I began feeling very, very bad about being a Size Two -- with my occasional foray into Size Four during PMS and/or right after Halloween.
And I felt especially bad about feeling bad -- because, well...
My turn to Ummmmmmmmm...
Admittedly, this is a story with many ironies... some of which include:
Irony #1
I am a best-selling self-help book author -- so, theoretically I shouldn't allow myself to get neurotically suckered in by Mr. X's uber-superficiality.
Irony #2
I'm a "fairy goddess mentor" to many young girls in their 20's -- offering free wise counsel on how to live their most empowered, confident lives.
In fact, a few days before Mr. X's "thinnist" slandering, I'd shared a fascinating report from Girls Inc. with one of the young girls I mentor, about how young girls today feel this need to be "Super Girl" thin. Last year 60% of girls ages eight to twelve said that they believed to be popular, you must be thin -- a rise up from 48% of girls in 2000. Sadly, as girls get older, their overall worries about appearance get worse. In grades 3-5, 54% of girls worry about their appearance. In grades 6-8, 74% of girls worry about appearance. And in grades 9-12, 76% of girls worry about appearance.
Obviously this "Appearance-centrism" didn't stop at high school graduation. Here I was -- a grown woman -- feeling like a big fat zero just because I wasn't a Size Zero. And feeling unlovable to boot because of my Size Four booty.
Unfortunately there are far too many of us grown women who never outgrew our weight awareness. In a 2006 Times Online article citing a British magazine survey of 5,000 women, it was reported: "The average woman worries about her body every 15 minutes..more frequently than men think about sex." The least popular body parts: thighs (hated by 87%) and waists (disliked by 79%).
Thankfully one body part was found to be angst-free. No. Not the brain. Women found their ankles to be very lovable.
I am happy to simultaneously report that there are men out there who aren't choosing love by the poundage. My friend David told me he fell in love with his wonderful wife of 13 years because he adored her "world lens" - for all the interesting perspectives she shared about life.
I much preferred David's idea of love (being turned on by how your paramour looked at the world) over Mr. X's idea of love (being turned on by how your paramour's looks might look to the world).
What made Mr. X's Size Zero barbs especially confusing were:
1. Behind closed doors, our sex life was still hot and active.
2. Mr. X strongly pursued me when we first met -- telling me on our third date how he thought I was his "soulmate." I wondered: If I was truly Mr. X's "soulmate" - then didn't this mean we were connecting soul to soul - in the erogenous zone of spirit -- which should not be encumbered by a few extra pounds? Wasn't there good reason there's no expression "seeking one's egomate" - that reason being love shouldn't be about "an affair of the egos"! After all, I wasn't superficially concerned with what Mr. X looked like. However, I assume that you, as the reader, might be kinda curious what Mr. X looked like...so I will share. And this info actually brings me to...
Irony #3
Mr. X was no George Clooney. Indeed, the actor Mr. X most resembled was Woody Allen. He had the same glasses, balding head, lanky frame -- and apparently some of Woody's love dysfunction.
But truly I didn't care what Mr. X looked like. For me, love and chemistry has always been about something quite intangible. One of my favorite quotes about love comes from the The Little Prince: "It's only with the heart that one can see rightly; what's most important is invisible to the eye."
I love the Little Prince's world lens on love- how the heart makes the best lens for love!
Unfortunately we need more of this lens on love in today's world.
Did you know that teen cosmetic surgery is on the speedy rise?
According to The American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, in 1997 there were 59,890 procedures performed on patients under 18. Cut to the cosmetic cutting being performed in 2007 - and there's a tremendous increase to 205,119 procedures performed on patients under 18!
It's just so sad -- all this tremendous pressure on young girls to be thin and perfect looking!
There are 12-year old girls out there getting lipo -- and 13 year old girls getting gastric lap bands!
And did you know that Abercrombie created a sexy thong - in young girl's sizes -- with the words "eye candy" and "wink wink" printed on the front?
Plus Victoria's Secret is the most visited specialty clothing retailer among teen girls!
How can this be?
Because there's a lot of societal pressure on young girls to be babes -- even though they've barely outgrown being mere babies.
My guess: If Mr. X had had a young daughter, not a son, he wouldn't have been so apt to say so many insensitive things to me about my weight.
My hope: Mr. X's superficial views would not infiltrate his young son's mind because, hell, we need more guys out there who are not so obsessed with a woman's thinness and beauty perfection!
My even greater world hope: Together we need to do something more as a society to change these unrealistic expectations for female thinness and beauty. And to do so, we need to start early on by telling young girls (and young boys!) that a girl is amazing not because of what she looks like -- but because of all the fabulous things she does and who she is! And while we're at it, I'd love to re-define "Trophy Girl" so it starts to mean "a girl who's amazing for all the fabulous things she does and who she is!"
Karen Salmansohn is the best selling author of THE BOUNCE BACK BOOK: HOW TO
THRIVE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY, SETBACKS, AND LOSSES. And if you're curious
to see photos of Karen at 118.5 pounds, visit www.notsalmon.com.
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I appreciate this post and the issues it raises, though I find a bit of a mixed message in the following:
If the point is that the ex is appearance-obsessed and shallow (with which I heartily agree), and that it was ridiculous for him to want a size four woman to be a size zero in order to be socially acceptable (which it clearly was) why then make the comment about running into him "after weight loss"? Did his message take hold somehow? Was a size four really not OK?
And beyond that - if the goal is to empower women, why say: "And while we're at it, I'd love to re-define "Trophy Girl" so it starts to mean "a girl who's amazing for all the fabulous things she does and who she is!""? Isn't the whole idea of a 'trophy girl" or "trophy woman" or "trophy wife" based in a chauvinistic belief that somehow a woman is a prize to be displayed?
Here's Merriam Webster's (4th) definition of a trophy: "one that is prized for qualities that enhance prestige or social status —usually used attributively
Do we really want women to be "prized" and used as a means to "enhance social status" even if it is because of "who she is" rather than her dress size? Is that a worthy (or healthy) goal for young women?
My wife and I have been married for 25 years. Does she look like the same woman I married 25 years ago? No, not really. I mean she is now 53 not 28. She's birthed 4 babies. Her skin is not as taut as it once was, she has wrinkles where she didn't when we first met, her breasts aren't as firm as they were then and in spite of doing yoga daily for 30 years, and not gaining a pound since we got married she has a little tummy where she once had none. Physically, she's changed; and so have I. She's educated, intelligent, creative, compassionate, assertive and dead sexy.
She is still the the most beautiful woman I ever met. I tell her often what a goddess she is and I count my blessings every day that we share our life together.
I'm not posting this to pat myself on the back. Instead I want to let all the men out there who read these articles (and I'm sure I am not the only one who does) to look for inner beauty because that's the ONLY thing that lasts.
Superficiality is about control.
When I was in my 20's & 30's, I was 120lbs with an athletic build at 5'2" -I was gorgeous.
I've had a Mister X in my past life. Incredibly arrogant and thought he was a GQ guy. Pfthsth! Hardly.
Suddenly, I was too short, or my calves + ankles were too thick (lead trumpet in marching band - yes, talent to boot!) and I had an independent streak that needed to be tamed.
Dumped Mister X and finally met fabulous husband who adores me no matter what current weight issues I might have today (medical, thank you very much). I still work out vigorously, selflessly love to the best of my ability, maintain my independent streak, and nurture my creative endeavors and run my own business.
I'm living my best life in spite of and without the destructive mooks. Oh, and I'm still gorgeous.
Wow, i DEFINITELY had my Mr. X...and like yours he was balding, wore glasses, but not skinny by any stretch of the imagination. I ended up gaining a lot of weight during that time.
I have since lost 40 lbs, and married a much skinnier man who appreciates me both inside AND out.
The best revenge is living well...:).
Karen - Great job. I think everyone can relate to being in such a destructive relationship (even if the topic is/was not weight). But, as someone pointed out , our society's focus on women's bodies is epidemic. Has anyone heard that commercial that's running on the radio these days, where men talk about how much they like their wive's boob jobs? I was similarly shocked that while watching Pride Prejudice on Oxygen TV I was inundated with gastro band and botox commercials during every single commercial break. This stuff used to be confined to magazines, which you can choose to avoid. Now it's unavoidable and kids are getting the messages younger and younger that women are not naturally beautiful.
Ironically, I noted (sadly) that the google ads that appeared at the bottom of the article page were all about weight loss.
Diane K. Danielson
If Mr. X had a daughter, he would have treated her much the same way. I knew a girl who was fairly thin as a child, she grew up to be 5'4" and around 110. Her father used to look at her and say "You're stupid, fat and ugly." Then he would say "I'm only teasing." I asked her how long it had been going on, she told me "all my life."
Look at how many fathers that would rather their daughter die than be vaccinated against cervical cancer. Or how many fathers that don't think a woman has a right to make decisions about their own bodies.
I just showed this blog to a girlfriend who also had a man ask her to lose weight - and she is also what most people would call thin - about a size four. Her man was very rich. And in thinking about this blog I am thinking it's because Mr X was rich -- as you say his exwife was a golddigger. I think men who are very rich feel this need to collect a woman as another piece of showy property. Its a shame. They miss out on the true joys of love which money and thinness are never about. Its about the heart. That Little Prince guy said it very well!!!!
The things you call ironies aren't ironies at all, once you realize that what Mr. X was looking for was conformity, not sexiness. He was fine having sex with you at home with nobody else around, but was frightened to be seen with you in public by his friends. He wanted you to conform to some arbitrary standard, to impress his friends. Weight has nothing to do with looks or health, and everything to do with conformity.
So, if you get married and gain weight and your spouse complains and puts you down, it is way past time to be asking yourself this: What if I got cancer and weighed 80 pounds? Would my spouse find me attractive and be there for me? Kinda separates the kids from the grownups.
And the answer is? NO! Not the superficial "You are an extension of me that I own and all that you do is a reflection on me and my standing in the world" person. (Must be where "Arm Candy" came from...) And that definition of commitment is a deal-breaker. Unfortunately, it can often only be realized after you have committed, had children, invested in property, etc. Rinsing all that AND the long-lasting pain from hurtful words becomes very difficult.
I love this post! I'm especially taken by Mr. X's focus on something that absolutely WAS NOT WRONG with you---a size 4? Come on, Mr. X!!! And, even if you had weighed more, i agree that I'd love for "trophy woman" to mean a woman who loves life and enjoys it--not a woman who fits a ridiculous image that's imposslble for 95% of women---unless they are 15, perhaps, in which case, that's even scarier.
I will say this about obesity (not a mere 10-15 lbs over weight, more like 25 + extra). Enough body fat and the person appears to become androgynous. The female curves are hidden and disguised under layers of fat. The male lines and angles, musculature becomes hidden, soft -looking and more feminine looking.
Don't underestimate the visual "triggers" of the female "outline" or male "physique". I do believe this has alot to do with significant extra weight becoming a deal breaker in the bedroom.
Not to mention, significant extra weight makes the person less inclined to physical activities, more inclined to couch potato lifestyle. I've seen this within my own circle of friends and family.
Since when did the word 'love' became synonym for sex and body mass?
Male or Female, someone who feels compulsed to find fault, nag, pester, or insult, is not likely to be in a relationship that will last long. Especially during the dating phase of a relationship, the compulsive insulter is waving red flags that should not be ignored.
The other issue, should someone stay in a relationship with a partner who becomes very heavy, is another discussion.
I'm a man that likes thin women. When I married my wife, she was 5'7" and 140 pounds. Not super thin, but nice. Two years later, she crossed the 200 pound mark. What a bastard I am for not loving her no matter what she looked like. She should have washed me out of her life, right?
Actually I did the washing. After arguments, the dieting, the gym membership she never used, after finally getting tired of her "wanting" to change, but not actually changing.
It's difficult for men to have "that kind of talk" with someone he cares about. The author's guy probably could have done a better job of it. But if the weight bothers him, it bothers him.
What was he supposed to do? Suffer in silence?
I too have a predisposition to a certain look. That said -- when one reaches the point when they commit to spend the rest of their life with someone that is an unconditional proclamation for it is assumed they considered the concept of change as it might play out on a lifetime commitment prior to commitment. This does not imply that I am wise or somehow think I know. It is more a testament to a standard to which I attempt adherence. I will take this comment out of the realm of human-to-human relation and put in the realm of human-to-process relationship.
When I commit to a process, when I fully believe in the process, I give all that I am to the process, unless it betrays certain fundamental principles of fairness and morality. A process that takes on a look and feel that is not the same as when I committed to it, is not necessarily an immediate disqualification of the process as worthy of continued commitment. The real analysis is, after the change in look and feel, do I find that meaningful principles I believe in have been betrayed, and then the next question becomes, are my principles well founded. If I find that my principles are bedrock, then I will "respectfully" address the changes in look and feel by word and deed.
Changing looks are not necessarily a disqualifier unless they distort or debase originating premise and agreement of love.
Exactly. Marraige is about staying together through sickness and helath, better or worse, etc.
Would you have divorced her for getting too thin (due to cancer treatemnt or other health issue)?
This is a FANTASTIC, WONDERFUL post!
EVERY woman whether young or old should take this to heart and give a copy of it to their boyfriends
Men wanting "thin" women is a learned response taught by the bombardment of the callous and soulless media. What is learned can be unlearned, and right quick!
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