Suffering From Unfreedom Of Choice?

Are you always looking around for something better: a better job, a better apartment... a better relationship?

For example, let's say you finally found a pretty great love catch. Do you still find yourself tempted to keep going back to that large online dating ocean, in hopes of finding an even bigger, better, more 100% perfect catch?

If so, your search for the better might be making your life worse.

And that's not just my opinion -- that's the opinion of Barry Schwartz, Ph.D., psychology professor at Swarthmore College, and author of The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. After extensive research, Schwartz has concluded that excess proliferation of choice makes people more anxious and less happy--even clinically depressed at times. Schwartz defines people who tend to check out all the options as "maximizers" and believes they tend to question whether they've made the right choice, then later regret their choices.

Unfortunately, in today's online world, it's very easy to become a "love maximizer" with the tempting smorgasbord of dating choices constantly available. With so much choice, it's so easy to fall into the temptation of seeking an "upgrade"--even when your sweetie is total sweetie! Or you can wind up with "choice paralysis" and not be able to get into a relationship at all.

How does this happen? Schwartz cites a study with shoppers. Group #1 was offered free samples of six different jams. Group #2 was offered free samples of 24 jams. Afterwards, Group #1 was more likely to buy a jam than Group #2. This result doesn't seem logical. You'd guess that people would be more likely to find a jam when given a range four times as large. But the overabundance of choice seemed to freeze shoppers' decision-making skills.

Unfortunately, this same "brain freeze" affect can happen to daters when shopping for partners in that endless online parade of possibilities. "It's a satisfaction treadmill," says Schwartz. "The more options we have available, the more we think that another option out there is perfect."

The truth according to me? Rarely is anyone or anything perfect. And so the #1 biggest problem with choice is... well, it's an illusion. Up-close and personal, all that choice is not always grade-A material.

Here's another study I came across and found intriguing. Research studies found that people exposed to a few minutes' worth of advertising, with its endless pics of nubile women and improbably handsome men, were likely to experience far greater discontent with their partner after viewing.

Translation: Love can be blindsided by choice. A perfectly good relationship can be totally destroyed by the blazing promise of better options... that don't exist in the first place!

So what's the cure for this situation which makes us throw over budding relationships because we believe the grass is greener?

1. Recognize that being a "love maximizer" actually minimizes your chances of finding a healthy, happy relationship.

2. Realize that you luckily have a choice in how you view choice! Next time you're tempted to two-time, think twice! Remind yourself that those many, many people who look so good from faraway look very different when viewed close up -- when you can more clearly see their many, many flaws.

3. Accept that no one person is ever going to have every single thing you need. The goal is to find the person who has the most important things you need. Make a list of your top 3 dating deal-breakers and your top 3 partner must-have's. If your current special someone passes this 6-pack test, as I call it, you've got the basis of a very happy relationship--one not worth messing up with "maximizing" ways.

4. Once a week, spend a night luxuriating in your partner's 3 fantastic must-have's -- and let it be known how much you appreciate him or her. Soon you'll turn yourself into a love energizer, instead of a love maximizer! And that's a terrific place to be.

For more love boosting tips check out notsalmon.com. If you'd love to dump your bad love habits for good, check outEnough Dammit: A Cynic's Guide to Finally Getting What You Want In Life.

Comments

[cyranorox]

The jam experiment conceals a fallacy: the goal of the shoppers was not absolutely to buy jam. They might, or might not. So the few choices persuaded them to buy more strongly than the many choices did. But this does not show that having many choices hinders decision when you must take a choice from among the products. It may have simply facilitated the decision to buy none.
Much advertising is geared to making us think we must take one of the choices.

[TheBlackCat]

When I lived in Amsterdam, I heard a very interesting point of view. Over there, there isn't room for cars the way there is here. Most people just ride bikes everywhere (there are actually more bikes than people in Holland). What I noticed, however, was the conditions of the bikes. They weren't flashy ten speeds. Most of them were just simple, single speed bikes like the kind my parents rode around on, with peeling paint jobs. I lived in a fairly affluent area, so I didn't understand why everyone was riding around on old beat up hand me down bikes when they could easily afford new ones. I asked someone about this and their response was

"Why would you want the new bike if your old one works just fine, especially when a bike can get stolen so easily? Just because something isn't as "good" as something else doesn't mean there's something WRONG with it. Besides, if you have the newest, best version of something, someone will just want to take it from you."

[ailbhe]

Too much choice is better than no choice at all.

[jcbueno]

Karen, thank you for the thoughtful post, I think you are on the right track. Focusing on what you are grateful to your partner for and eliminating distraction is the way to go. One can easily get caught up on the "what if" and not, what is.

[kellygrrrl]

many people spend their life running away ...

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Nothing like holiday shopping to illustrate The Brain Freeze of too many choices. The never ending search for The Perfect Man may lead to Friday nights spent with a date with Cherry Garcia.

Thanks so much for sharing that great study. It's time to reinvent the way we evaluate our choices!

[Arithrianos]

To those who don't look to material goods for ultimate satisfation it is a lot easier just to take what shows up and not try to "maximize", since material goods will not provide ultimate satisfaction under any circumstances. As for the materialists, i think they are naturally less content and joyful, since they are looking for ultimate satisfaction in that which cannot possible provide it, even if they "maximize". Buddha talked about what some call "pleasure", he refered to it as the second of three forms of suffering, the suffering of change.

[cktirumalai]

I imagine that that over the centuries most human beings had only a limited choice, in food, houses, clothing, mates, and they somehow managed. Now we are confronted with a bewildering array of choices (perhaps they are only seeming choices) and feel paralyzed.