The Next Jon Stewart....On Facebook?

Having a stressful day? Need a lift? How about a Facebook-lift? Many people are now turning to funny Facebook Status Updates as a stress reliever - for both the giver and receiver! I know personally, as a freelance writer with no formal office, Facebook statuses are my "watercooler." It's where I go to let off work steam, and hear funny quips about current events and pop culture. Many of the funny Facebook status soundbites that I've read are as funny anything I've heard on Jon Stewart's Daily Show.

A favorite of mine is Dan Neveloff, a hilarious guy with the surprisingly serious job of an attorney in general litigation. Some of Dan's feisty updates have included:

Dan has no problem with Sanjay Gupta being Surgeon General as long as Arnold Diaz gets confirmed as Chairman of the House "Shame on You" Committee

Dan is going to see "The Curious Case of Dick Button" about a figure skating analyst who gets more effeminate every year.

Dan walked into the Container Store and asked the greeter where he could find something to contain his excitement of being there

Dan is watching The Biggest Loser then The Bachelor. Same thing.

Dan wonders if atheists ever say TGIF

Dan 's taxi drivers name is "ALAM MD" and figures his mother was very proud to have given birth to a doctor

Dan admits to using performance enhancing drugs to write his status updates in 2008 and shamefully confesses that he's really not that funny

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Dan says that he writes his FB Status Updates to break up daily monotony at work. In some ways his funny one-liners harken back to his childhood, where he'd quip feisty commentary during class. "In first grade my teacher Mrs. Jacobson used to say, 'Danny, stop the feisty quips or I'm going to send you to clean the erasers!" says Dan. (Yo! Mrs. Jacobson, if you're on FB, check out how your student is now being appreciated for his sassiness!)

Next up on my list of favorite funny FB Watercooler quipsters is Mark Katz - who self-admits he uses FB updates to reinforce the primary mission of his company, The Soundbite Institute - to show how he can communicate messages succinctly and funnily. (Note: On Mark's impressive resume is having been a joke/speech writer for Bill Clinton when the guy was pres.) Some snappy snippets from Mark have included:

Mark Katz is assuming Rush Limbaugh wants Obama's health care policies to succeed. Free drugs

Mark wonders, now that the Dow has taken us back to 1997, is there any way to stop Monica Lewinsky from giving that blow job?

Mark says spend this Friday the 13th being ungrateful for all the things we are unlucky to have in our lives.

Mark can't decide whether to twitter his update or update his twitter. (Pls ignore if you already read this on Twitter.)

Mark wonders if A-Rod tested positive for Viagra while dating Madonna

Mark is thinking about Martin Luther King & his transformational contributions to humanity. And, to a lesser extent, Martin Lawrence, Luther Vandross and Gayle King.

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Another funny facebook crowd-pleaser is Scott Shahmanesh who is a Youth & Teen Marketing Guru, and founder/owner of BRANDEMONIUM, a unique full-service business development, marketing, inventing and licensing agency. Some of Scott's sassy status samplers have included:

Scott would like to thank my son Griff for his love & support, my ex-wife for always cashing the checks on time and a special girl who once said I would "die alone."

Scott is seeking advice. I'm trying to figure out which country will offer me the best "price/value" relationship for their Mail Order Brides.

When a bottle of body lotion gets low, doesn't everyone take off the top and apply it with the "Creamy Wand?" or is that cheap?

Scott is thinking about love, life and Jdate...and singing "I wanna know what love is...I want Jews to show me."

Scott has fever. And it ain't disco.

Scott One single man. A lifetime dream. A romantic night. A stale bottle of chocolate body paint. Partytime!

Scott wants to know what kind of LOSER cries everytime they watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I am SUCH A LOSER!!! Why do I watch this show.

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Another funny FB Status Updater I turn to for guaranteed daily chortles is Julian Fisher, a congenial Brit, now living in NYC, having started a Risk Management Consulting firm 5 years ago -- providing risk and governance services to Investment Banks, Exchanges, Insurance, Software Companies and Governments. Although Julian's job description might make him sound like a serious guy - it ain't so! Some of Julian's funniest greatest FB hits have included:

Julian says if good things come in small packages this could explain why the $787bn economic stimulus package is such a bust.

Julian says that if you always look on the bright side of life, you may be blindsided by on-coming traffic

Julian says that to blog is human, to write witty, inciteful [sic] and original status updates in 150 characters or less... divine

Julian says a mind is a terrible thing to waste and a waist is a terrible thing to mind

Julian is trying to fathom why women search for Princes, whereas men actively avoid Princesses

Julian 's package received very little stimulus today and is undergoing a period of deflation

Julian says the saying should be "u have to kiss many frogs before you settle on one that, thru subtle manipulation & inverse psychology, u can make into your prince."

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Wendy Ertel is also a famed FB Status humorist -- who by day is now a Network Engineer and was former Advertising Executive. These are some of her sparkly worded gems...

Wendy is amazed that my son just asked if Obama can be his other daddy.

Wendy just discovered why it is not a good idea to twizzle rainbow Twizzlers while taking a hot shower.

Wendy is going to the pet store with my son tonight to find him a new pet. At the moment he is outside taking his pet leaf for a walk.

Wendy is hereby announcing that Hoot is the right breast & Veeter is the left. Please don't ask anymore which is which.

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A few more favorites are Jim Clark ("Jim says Today is a new day! Which is exactly what I said yesterday - and where did that get me?" ) and Raza Syed ("Raza thinks a "butterscotch puppy" sounds delicious.")

As our work world becomes more virtual, with more people working from home, I'm sensing more people will be turning to FB Status updates to keep their energy and humor up during a stressful workday. If today you're feeling yourself dragging a bit, and that cup of coffee you're drinking just isn't giving you the lift you so desperately seek, I recommend you check out these FB quipsters. Athough I also recommend you stop drinking your coffee before you start reading 'em -- or you might wind up snorting cafe au lait through your nose.

Comments

[BreeeePrevator]

I would like to point out that the status quotes Ms. Geartner is given credit for are actually from the internet. Please see below. Thank you.

Jamie is going around the house and renaming things to begin with an "i" before Apple does it, such as her iDog, iToaster, iToilet and iBoots
http://forum.lostpedia.com/archive/index.php/t-9255.html

“Lost_in_UK

01-31-2008, 12:12 PM

"Sunday is only three days away..."

Oh and if you get completely and utterly bored you could go round your house renaming your appliances and patenting them before apple does, such as your iToaster, iFridge, iDog and your iCat etc etc...”

Jamie 's mono is not getting better. It could turn into stereo.
http://calebnei.blogspot.com/2007/11/my-mono-isnt-getting-betterit-could.html

Jamie is building it, will they come?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097351/


Jamie is thinking Pandora didn't think outside the box.
http://brandonsgirl91.blogspot.com/2008/02/pandora-didnt-think-outside-box.html

Jamie drinked, dranked & drunked
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drink-Drank-Drunk

Jamie 's mom is a travel agent for guilt trips!!
http://www.zazzle.com/my_mother_is_a_travel_agent_for_guilt_trips_tshirt-235352895673669848

Jamie thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.
http://www.nowandzen.com/daywitsunisl.html

Jamie can't get no statusfaction.
http://hdoubleg.wordpress.com/2009/03/02/cant-get-no-status-faction/


-Prevator

"Exposing plagiarism since 2004 "

[Karen Salmansohn - Huffpost Blogger]

Wow. Thanks for alerting me to this! I have removed Jamie from the article above. I appreciate.

[HDoubleG]

"Jamie can't get no statusfaction.
http://hdoubleg.wordpress.com/2009/03/02/cant-get-no-status-faction/"

Ha, that's my blog! Thanks, Prevator!

[MediaMensch]

If you want to mate with a salmon, you better be willing to swim upstream.