The Psychology Of Love Versus Evil

A year or so ago I read this fascinating article in The New York Times, all about the psychology of evil -- and at the time it reminded me of my then-boyfriend! The article highlighted what it called The Psychopath Checklist -- a helpful list criminal psychiatrists use to test the potential of someone being a hardcore psychopath capable of committing repeated evil and violent crimes.

Guess which traits psychopaths share?

Glibness
Extreme charm
Feelings of high self-worth
Pathological lying
Proneness to boredom
Need to always be doing something
Emotional unavailability

Ahem! All these adjectives reminded me a lot of that then-boyfriend, who was an adorably charismatic, fun, active, cocky guy -- but in the end turned out to be a cheater.

The lesson to be learned? The most important trait to look for in a partner is NOT sexiness, NOT successfulness, NOT funniness, NOT smartness! No, the most important trait to seek is a strong character.

Charles Manson, Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini are all very passionate, charismatic, intelligent, successful guys -- BUT that doesn't mean I should date them..

What all this comes down to is: There's a huge difference between romance and intimacy.

Romance is about personality.

Intimacy is about character.

Romance is about the lure of chemistry, gliibness, charm -- your socialized self playing with somebody else's socialized self - and thereby superficial and not necessarily long lasting.

Intimacy is about connecting soul-to-soul, character-to-character -- sharing your real authentic self with someone else's real authentic self -- and thereby is what is most necessary for a solid, long-lasting relationship.

Basically, romance is all that flashy immediate gratification stuff -- like yummy expensive candlelight dinners, luxurious bubble baths -- but when the last bubble pops -- who is that person lying totally naked next to you in a plain porcelain tub? This naked porcelain tub person is the authentic person who you either have -- or don't have -- shared intimacy and connection with -- soul-to-soul, character-to-character!

And I believe that character matters most because character -- not our personality -- is most in charge of our lives. Character -- not personality -- is ALWAYS the true chooser of all our actions and decisions! Character -- not personality -- will choose how a person behaves/misbehaves at times of stress, crisis, temptation, sadness, monetary-challenges, illness, vulnerability, misunderstandings.

And what creates all divorce in this country? How people behave/misbehave at times of stress, crisis, temptation, sadness, monetary-challenges, illness, vulnerability, misunderstandings.

If you do not have strong character values right now -- then any relationship you are in will suffer somewhat.

Ditto if your partner does not embrace strong character values.

And if you and your partner don't share the same core character values then you will repeatedly feel as if you disagree -- as well as feel disconnected and out of sync -- which will mean you will have trouble making the long haul of a longterm happy relationship.

You know what's funny? How we all know that having good strong character values matter...and yet... our world mostly offers relationship tips like: buy these sexy clothes, be more successful, work on tightening your buns! Nobody ever comes out and says "Yo! Value good strong character in yourself and others!"

I suppose that's because it takes far more time and effort to work on strengthening one's character -- and getting to know someone else's true character -- than it does to quickly buy a new sexy outfit, or share a leisurely romantic candlelit dinner.

Most people don't want to put in the time and effort.

Since reading this New York Times article on evil and breaking up with that then-boyfriend, I've prioritized looking for a man of high character -- someone who values direct/honest communication, 20/20 listening, warm empathy, constant learning/growth, and the ability to compromise.

If you're having trouble meeting Mr. or Ms. Right -- perhaps it's time to STOP prioritizing finding someone you immediately find to be sexy, charismatic, smart, funny. Instead, you should firstly take a reasonable amount of time to suss out if the man or woman you're attracted to values direct/honest communication, 20/20 listening, warm empathy, constant learning/growth, and the ability to compromise. If and only if you are certain that they do -- and you ALSO find them to be sexy, charismatic, smart, funny -- should you explore getting intimately, sexually involved with them!

Sure, a relationship will take longer to get started this way. But you can be sure once begun, the relationship will have the best shot at lasting longer this way. As Aristotle once wisely said: "Wishing to be in love is quick work, but love is a slow, ripening fruit." I say: "If you take the time and effort to really understand a person's character values in relation to your own, then the two of you will over the long haul be blessed with a thrivingly, fruitful relationship."

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Comments

[soonerdru]

Character? So many take that to mean personality, and then end up with a controlling egomaniac by their side. How about groundedness, or humility? Compassion? Empahty? Another blogger said to beware if he dosen't have any friends. Maybe that's someone who is tired of the macho maleness and is content to be himself without validation from peers. There are so many sides to this.

[skunky93]

Your post is excellent. You made me think of why I broke up with my ex and why I am with the man I'm living with now.
My ex was a charming liar with no true commitment to himself or any values. As a result, he couldn't respect or understand my values.
My new love is everything I want and need in my life. He has a strong character, knows his limits, stands by his opinions, has strong beliefs and values, a little belly and a little baldness which I love. :) He happens to be quite handsome despite that. The best part is that he respects my thoughts, my opinions, my values, and me.
I try to tell my friends that it's not just about finding a cute guy, it's about finding a best friend who understands you. One that you can feel attracted to on a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual level.
I applaud everything that you said.

[goddess1871]

Bravo! I read this post and immediately thought of the song "Bill" -

I used to dream that I would discover
The perfect lover someday,
I knew I'd recognize him if ever
He came 'round my way.
I always used to fancy then
He'd be one of the God-like kind of men
With a giant brain and a noble head
Like the heroes bold
In the books I've read.

But along came Bill
Who's quite the opposite of all
The men in storybooks
In grace and looks
I know that Apollo
Would beat him
All hollow

And I can't explain,
It's surely not his brain
That makes me thrill --
I love him because he's wonderful,
Because he's just my Bill.

He can't play golf or tennis or polo,
Or sing a solo, or row.
He isn't half as handsome
As dozens of men that I know.
He isn't tall or straight or slim
And he dresses far worse than Ted or Jim.
And I can't explain why he should be
Just the one, one man in the world for me.

He's just my Bill, an ordinary man,
He hasn't got a thing that I can brag about.
And yet to be
Upon his knee
So comfy and roomy
Seems natural to me.
Oh, I can't explain,
It's surely not his brain
That makes me thrill --
I love him because he's -- I don't know...
Because he's just my Bill.

[Tamoomoo]

Interesting, but very armchair.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Brava!
In my 20's I tried to morph into Mr. Right Now's picture of what he wanted. Now, that I am older I am taking far more time to assess a man's character. Words to the wise from the wisest woman I know. My Mom.

Watch the walk. Not the talk.

Does he have a best frieind? (Beware of a man with no close pals.)

How does he treat waiters and those in service positions? ( You can spot a stinker on the 1st date with this one.)

How does he treat his mother. ( You will become his Mom. So, look carefully.)

[3rdOption]

I cringe when I read grossly oversimplified tips such as these.

This is like handing a loaf of Wonderbread to someone in need of genuine nutrition.

Wonderbread sells a lot though, so I understand.

This is about discernment of character.

To judge character, you have to know character. Character is about depth, not superficialities of behavior. To what appropriate level of emotional intimacy should a new person be allowed initially? What is their potential emotional trustworthiness, how deep might they be allowed to go, ultimately how close might we safely be?

When I'm dealing with new people, in any circumstance now, whether interviewing possible new hires, dealing with a new customer or prospective vendor, or anyone on a personal level, I'm first looking for three things:

- Tendencies toward deception of any kind.
- Tendencies toward selfishness.
- Tendencies toward cruelty, no matter how slight.

Evil people are inherently dishonest, they cannot survive if they allow their true natures to be visible, especially during initial contact. So the worst people are the most smooth and seductive when you are first getting to know them.

Detecting a veil of deception is, therefore, your second priority.

Your first priority is not having a veil of deception yourself.

[skunky93]

Watch the walk. Not the talk. (- Tendencies toward deception of any kind.You can say so much, but your actions really define whether or not you mean what you say)

Does he have a best friend? (Beware of a man with no close pals.) (Quite possiblle fits the - Tendencies toward cruelty, no matter how slight.- category. A man with no close friends, probably has not treated people in a way that makes friends...true friends that is.)

How does he treat waiters and those in service positions? ( You can spot a stinker on the 1st date with this one.) ( I would say that this one fits both of these categories- Tendencies toward selfishness and Tendencies toward cruelty, no matter how slight. Anyone who treats service people poorly is one who has no respect for others and values himself above others.

How does he treat his mother. ( This one can fall under any of your categories.)

It seems to me that your breakdown doesn't take away any credit from the previous comment. As a matter of fact, those prior comments actually have value. Since you want to get technical, I thought I'd lend you my point of view.

[nolalily]

You've nailed it. For the longest time I've tried to explain to people that there is a difference between someone's presentation as opposed to their character. You'd be surprised (or may you wouldn't) at the number of people who just don't get what character is or why it's important.

[bethinCary]

Great article Karen..

Doing my own prioritizing these days on values that are important to me...
I think if I stick with this plan "the universe will come to me" too..
So I'm enjoying my solitude now, doing jsut that...
And solitude does not equal lonely...
It is all too fresh in my mind how lonely you can be even with the wrong person...
So I know the difference..
I don't want to feel that way again..

Good advice Karen..

[Robert Tolmach - Huffpost Blogger]

Another brilliant post from Karen!

[Glamorosa]

I totally agree with your article about choosing a man with good character. It has taken a very long time
for me to learn this lesson, as I was always attracted to good looking, charming, and insensitive men.
One of the reasons was I guess I did not like myself very much. I took a few years out of the fating scene
and focused on having a good relationship with myself. It worked.....................

Happy holidays

[blaize]

I too have taken time off from dating and I'm having a blast. I'm enjoying finding out new and undiscovered parts of myself and feeling un-tethered. I almost feel like it's a guilty pleasure being single when there are so many unhappy people stuck in awful relationships.

I know I'll be ready to get out there in the world of dating at some point and I think this is great advice, Karen. Advice that I'll take with me on that road towards a strong and happy relationship.

Tina Fey seemed wise in choosing her wonderful husband and it seems like she used the same tools you speak about in this article.

[CA4OBAMA08]

I really enjoyed reading this post.

It is like you said,
it seems that very few people focus on what really matters, like Core Values, respect and compassion. Consumerism is Consuming our world!!!

This holiday season, it would be nice to see a posting about how to reassess and give your loved ones something for free, like Peace, or fun times!

Thanks Karen!