Today's #1 Dating Problem: Love Maximization

Are you always looking around for something better: a better job, a better apartment... a better relationship?

For example, let's say you've finally found a pretty great love catch. Do you still find yourself tempted to keep going back to that large online dating ocean, in hopes of finding an even bigger, better, more 100% perfect catch?

If so, your search for the better might be making your life worse.

And that's not just my opinion--that's the opinion of Barry Schwartz, Ph.D., psychology professor at Swarthmore College, and author of The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. After extensive research, Schwartz has concluded that excess proliferation of choice makes people more anxious and less happy--even clinically depressed at times. Schwartz defines people who tend to check out all the options as "maximizers" and believes they tend to question whether they've made the right choice, then later regret their choices.

Unfortunately, in today's online world, it's very easy to become a "love maximizer" with the tempting smorgasbord of dating choices constantly available. With so much choice, it's so easy to fall into the temptation of seeking an "upgrade"--even when your sweetie is total sweetie! Or you can wind up with "choice paralysis" and not be able to get into a relationship at all.

How does this happen? Schwartz cites a study with shoppers. Group #1 was offered free samples of six different jams. Group #2 was offered free samples of 24 jams. Afterwards, Group #1 was more likely to buy a jam than Group #2. This result doesn't seem logical. You'd guess that people would be more likely to find a jam when given a range four times as large. But the overabundance of choice seemed to freeze shoppers' decision-making skills.

Unfortunately, this same "brain freeze" affect can happen to daters when shopping for partners in that endless online parade of possibilities. "It's a satisfaction treadmill," says Schwartz. "The more options we have available, the more we think that another option out there is perfect."

The truth according to me? Rarely is anyone or anything perfect. And so the #1 biggest problem with choice is... well, it's really an illusion. Up-close and personal, all of that choice is not always grade-A material.

Here's another study I came across during the past few months and found intriguing. The research found that people exposed to a few minutes' worth of advertising, with its endless parade of nubile women and improbably handsome men, were likely to experience far greater discontent with their partner after viewing. Translation: Love is blindsided by too much choice. A good relationship can be totally destroyed by the blazing promise of better options... that don't really exist in the first place!

So what's the cure for this situation that makes us throw over budding relationships because we believe the grass is always greener?

1. Recognize that being a "love maximizer" actually minimizes your chances of finding a healthy, happy relationship.

2. Realize that you luckily have a choice in how you view choice! Next time you're tempted to two-time, think twice! Remind yourself that those many, many people who look so good from faraway look very different when viewed close up--when you can more clearly see their many, many flaws.

3. Accept that no one person is ever going to have every single thing you need. The goal is to find the person who has the most important things you need. Make a list of your top 3 dating deal-breakers and your top 3 partner must-have's. If your current special someone passes this 6-pack test, as I call it, you've got the basis of a very happy relationship--one not worth messing up with "maximizing" ways.

4. Once a week, spend a night luxuriating in your partner's 3 fantastic must-have's--and let it be known how much you appreciate him or her. Soon you'll turn yourself into a love energizer, instead of a love maximizer! And that's a terrific place to be.

For more advice on how to boost your happiness, check out HOW TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT or sign up for Karen's free Be Happy Dammit newsletter at notsalmon.com.

Comments

[bigpaws23]

DEVO was right all along.

Don't get it? Google it.

[preemptivelove]

devolution.

[ouroborous]

There's some actually pretty deep wisdom buried in this: it's the act of craving, of wanting, that makes us miserable.

By retraining our minds to be content with what we have, we can find happiness.

Of course, this leaves out the issue of truly miserable relationships. It leaves out the question of "when is this a dealbreaker and when is it just me looking for an 'upgrade?'"

But still, there's something important here. I suspect, however, that those who know this secret to happiness are already living by it and those who don't get it won't believe it.

[angelwax]

we are making a nation of Christy Brinkleys

[DennyCrane]

This actually makes a lot of sense and I'm sure it's one of the reasons more people are divorcing or being unfaithful. Everyone is convinced that there's always someone better out there and as long as they feel that way, they won't be happy. You could be in a relationship with a terrific person who makes you happy, but if in the back of your mind, you're thinking you could do better, then how can you truly be happy? I can only imagine how much worse it'll be for the ME generation who think they're entitled to only the best. They already do that with jobs. I'm sure they'll do that with partners as well.

[cinemaven]

What a sad commentary.

I've been married 28 years to a man who still makes my heart beat faster just by smiling at me. I had 2 proposals before I met my husband and both of those guys were/are pretty great but there was no deep connection so I moved on. Thankfully, although I didn't know what I was waiting for, it found me just the same.

If a person is still fishing, it means they haven't caught the right fish.
I have 3 sisters... 2 of them have been happily married for over 20 years and the third has just found the right person at the age of 38. I suspect she'll be as happy as we all are because she didn't settle for less than perfect for her.

I've also just watched 3 close friends divorce... all of them married based on something other than love. One married because she was pregnant. One married because he left his wife for her so she felt a bit obligated and the other married because her boyfriend was wealthy... she actually left a guy she was perfectly in love with for him because money was on her list. Maybe if she had left her list at home and let her heart do the talking, she'd be happily married right now to someone who really would be a partner!

[Jasel]

What works for some unfortunately doesn't always work for all. But I've never been married so maybe my opinion is moot. And I think you're confusing the advice the author is giving to people and someone who doesn't know how to put their priorities in order. Two of your friends sound like they married due to a situation not any actual goals or desires and you're other friend sounds like she just had the wrong priorities. She went for what she thought would give her a happy life but it sounds like a happy relationship wasn't one of her priorities period if she left inclined to leave a man she actually did love over money.

I did agree with the article though and thought it was pretty accurate from what I've seen. There are a lot of people in good relationships that they never stop to appreciate because they always think something better is on the horizon. And those are the people who tend to reach for the sun and then wind up getting burned in the process.

[vagabond78666]

the heading should read "another common sense topic"
Who didnt know this? As a 40yr old male this is all too common.
I tell my friends often that there is always someone richer,more beautiful,a better "fit" even..
but you can't go from relationship to relationship like a hungry dog killing spree in the hen house.