Consider this: A couple battles it out in court for over 8 years. They spend over $100,000 each and do not reach a resolution. They appear in court on many occasions but nothing is truly settled. The court suggests that they leave parenting up to the "experts" along with child support. The case remains unsettled after 8 long stressful years. Their relationships suffer, their bank accounts suffer and their children suffer.
Consider this: A couple decides that rather than fighting over their finite resources and children, they choose to mediate their issues; to work with financial, legal and parenting experts that can assist the two of them in making well informed, sustainable decisions. They are done and wrapped up in 7 months.
For most of us, we might conclude that the first couple had more money and more conflict. We might say, "They were angry." Perhaps, because one of them had an affair, they couldn't negotiate. We might conclude that they are unusual and if we were in that position we would be much more logical about our decisions. We might conclude that the second couple were young and had little to loose so they were happy to engage in some form of resolution process that was less costly and less adversarial. We might say that the second couple had simply grown apart and so wanted to just move on with peace and love.
Now what if I told you that this was the same couple? What if I told you that this couple spent 8 years fighting and then something or someone convinced them to try some alternative and they resolved their issues in 7 months?
So why this success after all those years? I am not convinced it was simply because they were tired of fighting. I think it goes way beyond that and is more related to the difference between believing in abundance vs. scarcity. Some choose to fight like cats and dogs and strive to win because they feel they risk loosing something they cannot replace. Their positioning is based on scarcity and the fear of loosing what they believe they can't get back. There may be a revenge component, or an "I will show him/her component," but that usually fades fast after the heavy legal bills and emotional strain. So what keeps people fighting for 8 or more years? The answer is in the state of mind. It is a state of scarcity that drives them. The unfortunate reality is this state of thinking actually proves that there is a lack of abundance as they deplete emotional and financial resources. Proof of course, that what we focus on is what we create.
The fact that this couple was able to resolve all their issues in 7 months certainly is a tribute to the skilled negotiator, but more than that, it demonstrates that if we can move from scarcity to abundance, we can solve many issues. The state of mind associated with abundance would suggest that there is a lot more money to come, that I will meet Mr. or Mrs. Right and they are patiently waiting for me while I close the last chapter, that my kids will thrive better in a happy divorced family than a miserable married one. That my money can be used to take a well needed holiday or a down payment on a new home vs. paying legal bills to continue to fight a no win battle.
The state of mind for those getting divorced is the predictor of how long, how stressful and how costly the transition will be. So for those at the doorsteps of divorce, consider your first step very carefully, for the first step sets the course to climb either a 35-storey building or a few steps to your new cottage door.