Pity Party? Cry-A-Thon? Maybe, But Cut Kate Some Slack

Remember the little boy in The Sixth Sense who saw dead people everywhere? Well, I am a divorce attorney and I see dead marriages everywhere. Okay, maybe not dead but definitely heading toward the white light and in need of emergency care. Whether it's in my office, my church, or the grocery store, my divorce radar is always working. I have been wrong on occasion but my assistant claims that I know a couple is getting divorced before they do.

My divorce radar had been working overtime on Jon and Kate Gosselin for several years. My kids were big fans of the show - even preferring their re-runs to Spongebob. I was hoping I was wrong and that the producers were cutting the show to produce maximum drama. But his sulking and her sharpness combined with the stress of living in the public eye were like watching a car accident in slow motion. As the marriage deteriorated and the tabloids descended, I told my children that they could not watch the show any more. I could see them grieving the loss of the marriage as if it were happening to someone close to them. It just didn't seem right to any of us that millions of people were watching this marriage disintegrate and there was nothing we could do to stop it.

When the Gosselins separated, the whole country chose sides. My children were definitely on "Team Jon." I was not. Within minutes of the divorce announcement, Jon had already violated two hard and fast rules that I set out for my clients.

Rule One -- no dating. It seems a little harsh but it is good advice. I want my clients to focus all their energy on concluding their marriage in a respectful way. Any effort that is expended in the furtherance of a new relationship makes my job harder. Jon has, perhaps irreparably, damaged his credibility with those closest to him and also damaged how the public perceives him. No one -- not even Jon's girlfriend -- wants to play with "Team Jon."

Rule Two -- no talking about the case in public. I tell my clients to choose two or three trusted friends and family members to vent to and that is it. To everyone else in the world, my clients say, "It's hard but I'm getting through it." There is no discussion about our legal strategy. There is no bad-mouthing the other party.

Kate, on the other hand, is fine on Rule 1 and showing some improvement on Rule 2. In watching her interview with Natalie Morales on TLC, I finally had a glimmer of hope that Kate was going to make it through the divorce a stronger and more balanced person.

Not everyone agrees with me. David Zurawik, television critic for the Baltimore Sun, was disgusted by the whole event calling it a "pity party" and a "cry-a-thon." While he may be accurate, the same could be said at some point for most people going through a divorce. Whether it's the Gosselins or your next door neighbors, there is a lot to feel bad about when a marriage ends. And whether critics like it or not, we as Americans appear to be "all in" when it comes to the Gosselins.

I, for one, hope that people cut Kate a little slack. However annoying she may be to people like Zurawik, there is no denying that she is grieving the loss of her family. She is working through her loneliness and, even though she is waking up in the middle night, she is getting out of bed in the morning.

Kate seems to making progress on several fronts. Her apologies do not include "but" as in "I'm sorry but ..." She appears to be taking responsibility for whatever part of the demise of the relationship belongs to her and is coming to terms with the fact that the failure of the marriage is theirs to share.

But, in my experience, there is one huge step that Kate needs to take. That step is creating a new life for herself -- a life that doesn't involve Jon and also doesn't involve her children on reality television.

Kate is not the only person who has had to do this. My clients may not be on television but creating new lives is just as challenging for them. Their families and their communities have seen them as Tom and Susie Plus Two or Mike and Janet Plus Four. The end of their marriages has been no less traumatic than the end of Jon and Kate's. The only difference is that the pettiness, bitterness and immaturity in my clients' marriages happen behind closed doors and Jon and Kate's happen on national television.

So how does Kate create this new life? How does any newly divorced person do this? They ignore the critics. They feel all the emotions. They grieve what could have been. They forgive their spouse. They forgive themselves. And then they let go. For Kate, she can't let go if she continues to hold out hope that her children will be on television again. She has to have enough confidence in herself to make it without them. When she can do that, she will not only find some happiness, she may just inspire millions of people to do the same.

 

Comments

[Maria Maykovich]

I agree with everything said, John's breaking rule one made me a Kate fan. He showed high disrespect to not only go out with one young girl, but then going clubbing and vacations, while Kate was at home with the kids. If he had waited for everything to settle and spend more time with the kids it would have shown where his priorities were. He failed on all accounts.

[SonyaInTx]

The show was on for four years before the public meltdown. Where was the lawyers arguing for legal pretection of the kids then?

[mcarlsonus]

Oh, fer cryin' out loud! Kate is only grieving the loss of her MASSIVE paycheck and, further, should this latest pity ploy fail, her imminent return to the real reality show: "Kate Has To Get A Job"

[BlackJAC]

THE SOUP used video footage of Kate angrily correcting Jon's grammar regarding a family outing to a baseball game and her pretty much yelling at him over not using coupons when doing some shopping as comedic fodder. The respective punchlines involved Jon either running out on them or Jon killing himself.

Suffice to say I'm discerning a decidedly misandrist undercurrent in this column.

[beejcctx]

I do agree with you that the show must stop. Not just because of the divorce - because it is and has been CHILD EXPLOITATION. Those children have provided more hours of television than some sitcoms. Their parents profited by it - the money and fame only exacerbates their true personae. TLC has played this "Truman Show" long enough.

What needs to happen is NATIONAL LEGISLATION TO PROTECT CHILDREN IN REALITY SHOWS - they must have the same protections for children as exist in CA/NY.

The ONLY reason we are not seeing "Octomom" exploiting her kids is that she had her children in California, where there are labor laws on the books.

These children deserve legal and financial protection - Guardian Ad Litems, On-Set Tutors/Counselors and Financial Advisers to ensure they have solid irrevocable trusts to guarantee their college educations will be possible - $10K each (per Kate) is a joke.

May I also note that you did not mention a "Rule 3 - like don't spend all of the assets you may need later for your family"... both of them have been draining bank accounts...buying expensive cars and places to live. The kids didn't ask for a mansion....or mom to buy a Land-Cruiser....or dad to get a condo in NYC.... this money is coming from what SHOULD rightfully be theirs.

ALL CHILDREN IN REALITY TELEVISION DESERVE LEGAL PROTECTION IN ALL 50 STATES I am neither "Team Jon" nor "Team Kate" - I am concerned about "TEAM EIGHT"

[SonyaInTx]

You sound like Gloria Allred.


Seriously though, nobody was complaining until the marriage fell apart. The show was on for four years before the public meltdown. Where was the lawyers arguing for legal pretection of the kids then?