Are You Surrounded With Authentic Communities? Explore 7 Possibilities
Welcome. I am so glad you joined us. Please, settle in and get cozy.
I want to talk about 'community,' something the Living Section is becoming very active in creating. Our writers are aligning, and we are delighted to be reaching out to so many of you. What does community mean? Is it an old fashioned barn raising from days gone by, or a church social, or town festival? Where does community start, and why is it important in the first place? Nowadays, community means a Facebook group or "Twittering" thither and yon.
Community is all those things, and so much more.
Countless studies have shown, unequivocally, without others in our lives, we are lost. According to John Cacioppo in his new book Loneliness- Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, loneliness is the most detrimental emotion we can experience and social isolation can have an impact on our health comparable to high blood pressure or smoking. In tribal eras, the greatest punishment one could receive is banishment. Even today criminals are put alone in a jail cell - and the ultimate punishment: solitary confinement.
So, we need each other. But how do we make that happen? People are busy. People are concerned with their own lives. No one has time. No one cares. Where has that gotten us?
Our prosperity has driven us apart. We live in single dwellings and we don't physically depend on one another for survival. But our spirits do. We need to feel there are people out there who care about us, who we can turn to in tough times like now.
How do we start? Let's examine all the spheres of people in your life that have the potential to become a rich and authentic community, and for fun, look at them as seven ingredients needed to make a magnificent "Cake of Community Life."
1. Community With Yourself
The first ingredient is You. Think of you as the cake pan. Do you have a sense of community with yourself? Do you love and accept yourself; 'warts and all?' Do you create time and space to nurture yourself, be it exercising, enjoying a quiet cup of tea or curling up with a book? If not, this is the first place to begin. Befriend yourself. Take yourself in. You have a unique purpose on Earth and we are waiting for you!
2. Community with Your Partner
The second ingredient is your committed partner. Some of us have one, some of us don't. If you do have a lifelong partner; is there a sense of community between the pair of you? Do you and your beloved make time to acknowledge and nurture one another? Do you have peace and comfort in your foundation? Think of our partners as the flour in the cake. Many forget to create special time together in the frantic pace of life. Whether it is a date at the movies, twilight stroll or vacation getaway, continuing to reinforce community with our love is vital.
3. Community With Family
Wherever you are on the wheel of family- young professional with parents and siblings, married couple with kids, empty nesters with adult children, or elders enjoying the fruits of grandchildren; family is our most common community. For some, it is a supportive one, and for others a challenge. Some people create their own family. Nurturing your sense of community within the family has become more and more critical. Today, TV's and computers are in every room, and a many families spends their evenings plugged into some other world than the one going on right under their nose. I think of family as the eggs in our cake batter.
4. Community of Friends:
Our friends are our rocks. In a later article, I will dedicate a full piece to exploring who are the rocks in your life. Our friends become the constant place to fill daily chatter, share entertainment, recreation, and be a shoulder to cry on when we need it. Do you consider your friends to be a community? Many of us have what I call, "fast food" friendships that are surface level and not very satisfying. What we crave are those down and deep kinds of friends that love us without condition and make life worth living. Check out Gretchen Rubin's post from last week on "7 Tips to Make New Friends ." Friends make life so sweet they are the sugar in our mixture.
5. Community with Neighbors:
Some of us are blessed to have an active neighborhood that enjoy regular parties, pitch in with watching kids, and pick up each other's mail. Others live in crowded suburban neighborhoods or big urban apartments for decades, and don't know a soul. I consider neighbors a hybrid of family and friends because you are "stuck" with the neighbors you have, much like family. With luck, and some effort, many of them can become loyal friends, even if you have little in common and may not have chosen them. Neighbors are the oil.
6. Community with Co-workers:
For many of us, we spend more time each day with our co-workers than we do with our partners, family and friends combined. Some people are blessed to love their job and love the people they work with. Others may not be so lucky. It is too bad that so many work environments have still not embraced the power of nurturing the humanity of their workers, and create a community style office environment. Those visionaries who have; like Google, The Body Shop and many direct sales companies, enjoy a level of productivity unparalleled. What a joy to feel that your co-workers are your community and everyone supports one another in work life, and in home life. Co-workers are the salt and baking soda.
7. Community with the World Around You
What outer tribes are you a part of? Maybe you are active with your college alumni, involved in local charities, your children's school, or sports teams. All of these are larger communities of which we take part. As a modern twist, many of us feel a tremendous sense of connection and community through virtual social networks. Facebook alone has brought more old friends together than ever imagined possible. All of these larger circles are like the icing on the cake.
Close your eyes and imagine all these aspects of community. Surround yourself with the layers and layers of people who penetrate and influence your life; all the people of whom you have the opportunity to touch each day. We need each other.
There is one final component of experiencing authentic community that is the grandest of all. It is the heat that bakes our cake. It is the alchemy that transforms a bowl full of goop into a warm, moist, delicious wonder. The hot oven is the Great Mystery that surrounds us all. Call it God, Goddess, Buddha, Mother Earth, Great Spirit, Yahweh, the Force or as David Eagleman says in his book, SUM: Forty Tales from the Afterlives: "Possibilian".
This heat is the 'something deep inside' that stirs us to levels of awe, joy, inspiration, epiphany and steadfast knowing that We Are All One. In those moments, there is no need for 'building' a community. We are already a tribe, already connected, already whole.
How is your cake looking these days? A little lumpy? Too many eggs and not enough frosting? Searching for the heat? Do you have a rich community life, and if so, how did you create it? We would love to hear your comments and I will feature some of them next Sunday, my new regular day on Huff Po, where I will describe how to make a gathering more satisfying. Please leave a comment below, it is easy to do and if you want to be informed of next week's post, click on the RFF feed button.
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Dearest Kari,
What a spectacular piece. It was deliciously easy to digest.
Over the last few weeks my cake had gone from glorious to....lops
Sometimes, taking time away is the very best way to be a good community member. I am inspired by the gracious embrace that you extend to myself and other bloggers.
What a blessing you are. Hooray for Kari!
Love,
Eli
See Kari Henley's Profile
Thanks Eli!
That is a great compliment coming from you and what a wonderful reminder that even when live is zipping along at breakneck speed of success, we still need time to step back and settle in.
I am a big fan of your work and amazing life story.
Appreciate the note!
Kari
Brilliant article Kari!!! As you know, I too have a love for community. I so enjoyed your cake ingredient analogy. Just like making a cake, a lot goes into making a healthy community. I co-owned a corporate training business for about a dozen years and our work focused on creating more supportive, meaningful and committed comunities within the workplace. I found that most people were hungry for these deeper and more nuturing relationships.
Last night, I had the fortune of viewing a powerful documentary about woman who were making a huge difference in their communities, despite the horrendous circumstances they faced. One of the greatest weapons of war is the destrution of communities. The documentary brilliantly highlighted the significient and profound influence woman can have in healing the world through community work. I was deeply touched.
I'm looking forward to you next article Kari!
All the best,
Kim
Thank you. A wonderful analogy.
Hi Kari,
I FINALLY had a few moments this morning to read your post. Wow....ano
Love the cake analogy!! I am blessed that you are part of my cake!! See you on Monday...x
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Thanks Deb!'
I so appreciate the added exposure on Facebook! A few weeks ago a friend did the same and his 'in box' was flooded with comments as it sparked a rich conversation. I love that we can use a tool like Facebook to transcend the "what are you doing right now" kind of fun banter to also swing into more serious topics.
Thanks again!
kari
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Dear Kari,
I'm sitting here with my husband and dog, Rosie, on Bainbridge Island, listening to the seals bark, and seagulls cry. There's a fire in the hearth, and we are cozy. Ed's reading his newspaper. Rosie is running in her sleep dreams. Life is good.
The frosting on the cake is your article. How perfect that you are coming to us on Sunday: a day to return to what is most important, a day to savor, feel gratitude. Of course, this is true for any day, but to me, Sunday is just special. I want you to know that your Voice adds so much to what counts.
Actually, I've been thinking a great deal these past weeks about the imperative of community, (see this week's blog "What if Help Were Closer Than You Think?" ) Surely, this is the time for our Aquarian Call to collaboration, and where better to explore possiblility than in the heart of an expanding community?
Know that I am looking forward to the piece on the 'rocks' and all you write and give so beautifully.
In Peace,
Cara
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What a lovely image, Cara! I can just picture sitting by that fireside myself- a lovely image of community.
I am glad you mentioned your article, which is another beautiful insight in support of what all of us are craving.
As the stress mounts, the feeling of panic rises, we naturally try to turn to one another to remember the everyday moments as touchstones to help us move on.
Thanks!
Kari
As i read this, I am sitting in an oppressive office, going blind from all the glaring fluorescent lights, about to lose my job with no further income in site. At the end of this month, I will have absolutely no money. I have barely been able to afford food for the last few months, after paying all my bills, paycheck to paycheck. I don't have a fireplace, or a dog, or a husband to go home to.
But that's beside the point entirely. I, too have been thinking about community, social connections, networking
Dear Dr. Barker,
I'm sure it was unintended, and you're probably nothing like Marie Antoinette, but I kind of understand BRlongview's response. At least tonally, your comment seemed to launch the cake heuristic into a version of let them eat cake.
In 2009 I'm not sure how the material aspect of the vignette you depict relates to most Americans. Something akin to a 1950s essay talking about having the maid go to the butcher, maybe. A sort of time lag in perspective. The children of the late 20th century, some of whom might have known houses and fireplaces and dogs (and newspapers
At this point i only really care about community with the last one, what i call the Great Perfection, all other relationships i have are only important if they bring forth more recognition and appriciation of the vast and profound community of which every "thing" is a manifestation. The blogs here are where i interact the most since i have no friends or family i talk to very often, and i have no active spiritual group anymore. Really i feel like a hermit sometimes, and get lonely, then i remember or whatever and there is nothing but joy, because there really is no division by concept, the whole is always there even if you draw funny lines within it and get upset by what you've drawn.
See Ed and Deb Shapiro's Profile
Arithrianos- I enjoy this - we are alone - all one
I find your honesty endearing- I was with a Buddhist Nun in England and said to her, "we will all die and meet in Heaven" and she replied, "yeah and we will say, "what was that all about."
Peace,
Ed
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What a super quote! What WAS that all about?
Glad you were also able to comment!
I have been away from a computer and so happy to be back "Connecting"!
Dr. Shelley Taylor has found in her studies that simply having a "perception" of social support is highly beneficial and sufficient. Meaning- we don't have to have a zillion friends, just the knowing that SOMEONE is out there...
kari
See Kari Henley's Profile
Dear Arithrianos
Thank you so much for writing in. I know many others who also lead a more isolated life, yet have found great comfort in developing a virtual community. This is a wonderful place for you to "reconnect
Perhaps from the insights you shared, you may become inspired to put a toe into the waters around you- explore ways of connecting with others that appeals to you. Sometimes even serving in a soup kitchen once a week ignites a renewed sense of gratitude, purpose and "positivity" that carries over into daily life.
I hope you will write in again!
Take Care
See Ed and Deb Shapiro's Profile
Hi Dear Kari, Very important post! Everyone wants to be loved. And as you said - do you accept and love yourself,- 'warts and all' this is soooo helpful as many people think until you get rid of the warts you are unlovable. If that were the case we would all be in trouble.
I was a real flower in your hair hippie with Richard Alpert (Ram Dass) Tim Leary, Allen Ginsberg, Ken Kesey ---I lived in a commune in upstate New York-- no hot water --I was part of the 'Love Generation'
I then traveled mostly by land to India and lived in an ashram.
In Buddhism they speak of sangha - community- it is apart of the trilogy that strengthens your spiritual development.
In Joy,
Ed
As "Spy" magazine used to say... Lots of logrolling going on here.
See Ed and Deb Shapiro's Profile
Hey mediamary - what's your point?
Treasure yourself,
Ed
See Kari Henley's Profile
Hi Ed & Deb!
You both are such testaments to your work- you are always present- supportive and right on in your insights.
The "hippie" generation made great strides in American community building- and what's next? How do we translate those ideals and principles to today's times? The ground seems to be sprouting new seeds all around us, and I am glad to know you are part of the fertilizer!
Kari
As you explore this topic, I'd love to hear what you think about online community. You mention Facebook, and I am there (part of Judith Rich's Impossible Dream group, actually). I agree that there is a place for online community, but there is also a risk - that we let it replace something that requires more effort. I often struggle with this myself, a tendency to rely on what can be dashed off quickly, instead of the face-to-face interaction or even the phone call, which demands more from me...
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Touche!
Thank you so much "just plan j" for a very insightful comment!
What happens when you get together with a group of friends, share laughs, tears, as well as the usual 'bitch and moan' - you feel better.
Do we get this same sensation on Facebook or Twitter? Not really. It is fun- but the tides do not run very deep. Kind of like popping a tic tac.
I agree we cannot lose sight of the importance of heart to heart gatherings with other people.
Stay tuned next week and I will be laying out my own 'recipe' for how to help make a group gathering more meaningful, satisfying and worthwhile.
Take care!
Kari
I hope you'll write about how parents of adolescents who live online (not that there's anything wrong with that) can persuade their kids that the real world is a community worth joining!
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Thank you so much for writing, and I know of what you speak!
I have a hunch that teens need to be gently led to the ideas of how to create fun and meaningful "get togethers"
Linking up online is not going away, but to foster regular social gatherings for teens that allow them to "hang out" and maybe even be challenged to be creative, is even better.
Some kids like poetry slams, some like garage band contests, some like pool parties... they all matter.
I am also a firm believer is exposing our youth to "Rites of Passage' experiences to stress them a bit, test their skills and build a huge confidence in their own power in the world.
If you have other ideas, please let me know!
I think a good thing for people who are feeling "lost" is to get out and donate their time to a charity organization in their community and they will no longer feel that way. They will be contributing to their communty and have a sense of accomplishment, pride in their community, and a sense of peace that comes only from giving. When people are a part of something it gives them a sense of belonging. Some people over the yrs have told me that they would like to volunteer but have no skills to contribute and I've told them everyone has skills, mine is talking-so I visit nursing homes and hospitals :) with my dogs, I have volunteered at food shelves, anyone can pack a box of food, etc. My parents told all of us kids that to be good citizens in our community we needed to participate, and many yrs later, I can tell you that they were right, through moves and the "empty nest" times, my community has balanced me and I have never felt "lost".
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What a gorgeous and beautiful comment. Thank you so much!
I hope you can serve as inspiration to so many others who feel stuck in a rut in their lives; up in the morning, off to work, come home, plop on the couch and flip channels until it is time to start over the next day.
The rising interest in volunteering is going to be the next revolution of the American spirit- just watch and see. If we can all tap into our powers of empathy and caring, we wil pull one another up and set an example for the world to see.
Keep it up and be sure to acknowledge all that your community has given to you!
Kari
See Anne Naylor's Profile
Kari,
Your post is quite lovely ! The Cake of Community Life is very nurturing and inspiring.
I have enjoyed several communities: for a while I worked in the theatre in London - it was very much of a family with its own language and understanding. My church also offers a wonderful community of understanding and support. What I love about communities are that they are places in which I feel safe to just be myself and to feel accepted and acknowledged.
Yesterday, at my Dad's 90th birthday celebrations, I came to understand and appreciate how each one of us in our immediate family are "loners". It gives me the possibility to love the individual characteristics we each are and express. The unity in our diversity is the love we have for each other. beyond the differences What a blessing that is.
The heat is what seems to draw people together, sometimes for a purpose larger than ourselves alone. I am looking forward to your next Posts on this topic. Thank you for opening it!
With love to you,
Anne
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Hi Ann
You truly are a wonderful gift of positive and loving energy. One can always feel you reaching off the pages and into other's hearts.
I love the point you make of everyone being a solitary "loner" and to celebrate this individualism. From this starting point, we can then more easily release our judgements of others and simply accept them for who they are, and find the blessings they serve in our lives.
Theatre and church communities are rich and wonderful examples of safe places to fully be yourself and deeply engage in connectedness.
Thanks for the lovely thoughts!
kari
Kari,
Bingo! You are hitting your stride. This is a brilliantly written piece and I love how you weave it together. The subject of community is at the crux of this age we're entering. "In this economy", "in these chaotic times", more than ever, we need one another.
I'm leading a training right now in which so many people are voicing their experience of feeling "lost", feeling like they don't know where "home" is. So starting with self and building outward is essential.
But what I love most of all about what you've written is about the element of "heat". It's the "mystery", the unseen, the willingness to open to possibility that is the magic elixir, isn't it? I speak in terms of being a "Possibilitarian", sort of close to what Eagleman calls "Possibilian". Guess there's nothing new, just what's already here, waiting to be discovered.
Thanks for this beautiful, timely piece!
So many blessings to you,
Judith
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Judith-
One of my own "Rocks" and a woman with whom I truly feel that deep sense of "community with another."
feeling alone and lost- and needing a home.
Yes.
The Possibilian is one who does not necessarily believe in the white haired god on the cloud, but knows there is so much "Out There" that we cannot fully understand, their faith is strong built in the "possibilities" of the vastness.
I love that and hope our nation can rise out of the downward spiral of fear and negativity and find a way to flourish our hearts and spirits to Positive Possiblity.
Kari
there's always a pain in the ass hair in the cake to tell us we're pathetic mental cases if we need the heat; bill maher
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That Bill......
where would we be without him?
Love the quote!
what is the saying..."
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