Asking for Help - The Other Side Of Volunteering

I heard a wise phrase the other day: "in every moment, you are either serving or being served." The give and take, or giving and receiving, is a constant balance of life. How often to you serve others, and how often do you allow others to serve you? Is it easier for you to give than to receive?

In my last column, I asked the question of "Why Don't We Volunteer?" And issued a Dare to Care as a means to challenge all of us to get out of our routine, and lend a hand to help support President Obama's United We Serve campaign. Today, I'd like to explore the topic of volunteering from a larger perspective. The other side of volunteering is asking for help. Today, more and more Americans need help - in big ways and small, and asking...... well, is not so easy.

I stumbled across a fantastic example of this blend of giving and receiving, in William Brandon Shanley's grassroots company: Give, Get, Share. His slogan is a mathematical equation: +Give -Get = Share. His site claims,

"We're a gifts and wishes pool. We match resources with needs. We organize goods, services, people power, brainpower, and the indomitable human spirit and make them available to everyone for free. As a public service. To help people. To enhance life. To save the Earth."

This site is undergoing a retooling to make it even more user friendly. Shanley said, "Give Get Share is about values fulfillment of knowledge, inspiration, professional services or the arts. You can be a millionaire in Miami and be lonely, and ashamed of your loneliness. But to a family of five, who are needing a grandparent, it is a gift."

Currently, there are more Americans living alone than any time in history. According to the General Social Survey from Duke University, 25% of Americans have had no one to discuss important life matters with in the last six months. The idea of success being tied to self reliance is strong, and asking for help is a sign of weakness - at what cost to us all?

President Obama has declared there are "too many jobs lost," with unemployment rates climbing ever higher. When the statistic becomes a reality, the emotions of frustration, anger, shame, depression and fear preclude the ability to access resources needed to maneuver through the tidal waves. "There's nothing anyone can do," is the easy answer. Yet, maybe someone can lend a hand, pitch in, make you laugh, and ease the burden just a tiny bit - if you just ask.

Greg Cortopassi, founder of Launch Your Dreams, is a career and life coach, who offers the idea of service as a 'life skill' that has to be exercised like a muscle; and the act of contributing and receiving is something we are always doing. The better we become at serving, and allowing ourselves to be served, the greater our capacity for joy in life.

"Many people view the idea of service or contribution as something that comes from a feeling of guilt or obligation to their work, families or communities. Most people perceive that they are just not the "volunteer types," don't get involved unless they have to, and then the act of serving is half-hearted,"

he explained.

"If we hold a perspective that anyone on our path is an opportunity to serve, then it doesn't become conditional or loaded. On the flip side, if we can't receive when someone or something is trying to serve us, it also blocks the flow."

There is a balance in serving and being served. Some of us are better at one than another. Here's a simple example. If someone pays you a compliment, how often are you tempted to either discount it, or quickly offer another one back as a hot potato toss? Come on, admit it. One of those, 'You look great today,' followed by an instant: 'thanks, so do you!' Someone was making an attempt to serve, in a simple and lovely way. Why is it so hard to simply say, "Thank you," and receive?

The fear of opening our hearts to others, being vulnerable, being 'seen' is one of the culprits to the rising feelings of loneliness, isolation and disconnection in the United States. Despite the assurances the recession is slowing down, many folks on Main Street have not seen the tidal waters receding, and the riptides are moving the shoreline farther and farther out of reach. When people are flailing to stay above water, asking for help is not always on the top of their minds. People are losing their homes, downsizing, coping with job loss, holding off on college and giving up stress relieving vacations.

It is time to move aside the fabricated curtain of "everything's fine" syndrome. The other side of volunteering is allowing someone to help you, to keep you company, to care about you. This weekend, we are celebrating our nation's birthday. Every American is a star on the flag. Every stripe binds and connects us together. Our nation became the mighty power it is by individuals taking turns serving one another, and being served in turn.

As we blow out the candles on our nation's birthday cake, consider: How do you serve your country each day? Do you respect and care for the environment that surrounds us? Do you participate in civic duties? Do you support local businesses and buy American made products? It feels good to serve, so find a way to do so that seems right to you, and be conscious of your action.

How do you serve your fellow Americans? Do you know someone who is coping with cancer, lost a job, or is down and out, who could use a hug, a kind word or a referral for a job lead? Serving them in turn serves our country, and helps you forget about your own troubles for awhile.

How does our country serve you each day? Do you enjoy full access to topics from Iran to Michael Jackson without fear of retribution? Do you enjoy the free speech and citizen journalism of places like the Huff Po? Do you walk the streets freely, without seeing machine gun clad military patrols? How about walking into a grocery story with 200 different kinds of cereal to choose from? Take a moment to reflect, and just to receive. To say, "thank you" for all the goods and services that are so readily available in this nation of bounty.

How have your fellow American's served you? Have you been touched by someone or something that took you by surprise? Have you felt truly supported by your co-workers, neighbors or friends when you really needed help? Take a moment to gather in your mind the faces of the ones you love. Inwardly thank them for serving you, even if you forgot to acknowledge their actions. Every hand counts, as we come together this Independence Day holiday, and a chain is much stronger than a single link.

Happy Holidays everyone! Feel free to leave a comment below and if you would like to receive regular updates of this weekend column, click on the 'Become a Fan' button.

Follow Kari Henley on Twitter: www.twitter.com/karihenley

Comments

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Dearest Kari,
We are so deeply interconnected, and I appreciate your reminding us all of this fact.
I am so touched by the wonderful Walter Wong of Right Solutions ( He speaks English a Spanish-Swedish accent...I need to make a short film about him!). Walter does his SAAB mechanic business as service. He doesn't repair your car- he teaches you how to care for it. His love of these cars has made me a Saab owner for life.

Bless all of us who serve one another!
Eli

[Savagecat]

A clarification: The General Social Survey (GSS) is conducted by National Opinion Research Center (NORC) at the University of Chicago with sponsorship from the National Science Foundation and others; not Duke University as your post states. The GSS data are used by many researchers including those at Duke. Nice story!

[WilliamShanley]

The Universe is energy and energy is in a never-ending process of exchange. So, Giving and Receiving are really two sides of the process called Life. Life is the miraculous elan vital, the juice, the purposive action to grow, to become, to create, to self-create, to become the ideal self, to make a difference, to envision, to transform our world, to fly.

Today, millions are awakening to the fact that the human ego fears, projects and creates scarcity, and in so doing stops the flow of Life that Nature. In a human economic order where" the less there is, the more it's worth," scarcity and war are the results.

The Earth is a priceless asset that is our Mother, birthright and home. The Earth is abundant, and we can make it more so by eliminating poverty, the chief cause of over-population.

Human capital is unlimited and we're free to channel our work value any way we like. We can use person to person resource pools to give, get and share human capital and fulfill one anothers' values, the basis of all money.

These are some of the concepts behind www.givegetshare.com. We're retooling for our September launch. Timothy Wilken, MD, (also a synergy scientist) and Leon Noel listfullofhope.comm's Yalie creator) and I invite you to look us over and think about the possibilities of a gifts and wishes pool large enough that everyone gets served.

Let's jump into Life and come alive!

[GiveAndGetNYC]

In the beginning of this post, you quoted "in every moment, you are either serving or being served."

I think that both serving and being served can happen simultaneously. Whenever I'm volunteering, I'm not only helping others, but making myself feel good by doing so. Is that self-serving? Maybe a little, but rightfully so I think. I get back emotionally what I may be giving physically or mentally to someone else. And this reciprocity is not only felt while serving people, be it food to the homeless or revitalizing a community garden: if I'm walking dogs for a shelter, I am not only helping these pups get the exercise and attention they deserve, but I get to play with some cute dogs outside in the park. Volunteering, for me, is always a win/win.

Thanks for writing this post.. It was really thought-provoking, and should serve to open people's eyes to the other side of volunteering, where one is on the receiving end.. I never really thought about it this way before.

www.giveandgetnyc.com/openforum

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you!
I am happy to know this angle was useful to you.
And, yes, I agree with you that the act of serving and being served is a simultaneous exchange of energy.
A group of friends and I "stormed" a friend's house who needed help and in 3 hours repainted a bedroom, cleaned and sorted socks, scoured the kitchen and reorganized the basement. She was stunned, and we had a blast. We were serving her, and being served at the same time.
Glad you have found some fun ways to get out there!
K

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Kari,

Oh, I love the sound of that warrior voice in you! Your passion about this subject comes through loud and clear.

I just want to say that YOU have been a catalyst for me, learning to receive and that's a tall order. So thanks to you for being such a source of support for me during this time, for gathering my "rocks" and giving them a means to express their love and support. I've not been a good receiver. That's a huge part of what this time is for me, learning to receive.

Thank you for turning this conversation around so that we all can look at both sides of the coin. The act of giving is incomplete without a receiver. I think most of us have work to do in that area. I sure do.

Tuesday's the day..... clear margins is the mantra....­...

Much love,
Judith

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

YES!
Clear margins it is.
Thank you for the note. I am passionate about the subject, and I am also a pretty lousy receiver! ha ha.
When I look at how rewarding it is for me to GIVE to someone, it helps to recognize if I don't let someone help me, I am essentially denying them the opportunity.
I hope others will jump on the bandwagon and continue to explore this "other side of the coin" so we can begin to make it ok to receive without it appearing to be selfish.

SO HAPPY to help you gather your rocks~ We are all here and sending back the love we receive from you all the time.
Love
Kari

[leavesofgrasse]

This is an important post. Typically my experience is always frustrating when I am asking of friends and people close to me.

When turning to neutral folks- pastor, clergy, teacher, etc. or even stranger when car breaks down I've always been met with profound kindness and generosity. Truly Blanche's "I've always relied on the kindness of stranger" is a fitting mantra.It'­s not intentional but when I compare the people that have come to my aid have always been outside my normal day to day life.

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you, leavesofgrasse for such an important point! Isn't it true that often members of your own family or closest friends end up being the last ones you go to for help when you need it. I have often chastised my own children they treat strangers better than they treat each other... and certainly I am guilty of that at times too.
I believe it is a profound and important question to explore - why do we build walls against one another? How do we build closeness and community that we can count on?
Thanks for triggering important questions. You may see a future post on this very subject~
Take care
Kari

[leavesofgrasse]

Hmmm.... maybe some are personal issues but in a way the personal can speak to the universal here's my take:

I think expectations can muddy things, and the implied "tit for tat" that shores up many of our relationships can really block generous giving.

As a "giver" people don't think you need help, and I've actually heard this about myself . But speaks to the other person not seeing you and your needs. It's rather lazy.

A few months back I asked a friend to help me get started plastering walls- she's really good at this and I was a novice; she said she would and she came with her small kids and spent the day ministering to the kids.Then she said she would be back and it was more of the same....I was so angry because not only was I setting my project by her watch she wasn't really able to help and really just wanted to hang out and wasn't honest about it...but in hanging out I couldn't get the work done either. I lost about a month. Sigh.I was so angry but then I just let it go. After researching the plastering I just plunged in and re-did the whole floor myself and yes it took way longer than it would have if I had help or a professional do it but it LOOKS great and I feel great about doing it myself.

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

'asking for help is a sign of weakness - at what cost to us all?'

This may be key. In a sense, this is where complacency still resides, after it moved away from the belief in easy credit. And it may also contain the solution, because it costs little or nothing to cease to interpret asking for help as a sign of weakness. After which wealth is created by the help that's made possible once people in need ask for it and those willing to give provide it. Almost like printing money, only better.

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you, Kari, for your encouraging and inspiring post.

Asking for help is I think very difficult and challenging at times. And yet I feel that when we ask to receive, the giver also receives. To me that is the joy of serving. A connection is made between two or more people, who are enriched by making the connection. What is more, it is a way we can honour each other. Our hearts open.

I like to think that when we look back on these days, we shall witness tremendous good having taking place.

With love to you,
Anne

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks Anne!
I agree when times are hard, by sheer default, many people come together to help each other out. Many people today have taken little steps to retreat from the world- eating alone, watching tv or interacting via internet..­. the price is feeling lonely. Yet, it is still not acceptable to recognize loneliness as a need, or something to take action for.
Yet, I have hope!
You, and so many others, constantly offer up reminders to bring us closer together~
Kari

[Star2000dancer]

I love the concept of paying it forward and use this philosophy. However, when I got broken I made the attempt to finally ask for help. The answer I got was what do you need? I told my whole story, I finally was overwhelmed. They were overwhelmed by it too, and simply never called me back or suggested a psychiatrist who also was overwhelmed. 5 years later, it's worse and still no help.
Yet I see other people getting help with everything. Maybe when you're use to being the giver you just don't know how to take or even how to ask for help.