How often do we equate the word "father" with "caretaker?" Until fairly recently, most men were expected to garner power, fame and fortune outside of the house, and serve a more ancillary role in raising kids. Not anymore. The number of fathers solely responsible for the care of their children is growing at a rate almost twice that of single mothers, and now numbers over 2 million.
With the ongoing impact of the recession, 80 percent of people being laid off are men, and tens of thousands of fathers are being thrown into new roles at home. Whether the role of full time Dad comes as a conscious decision to spend more time with the family, or due to circumstance - fatherhood is evolving.
Women have dedicated the past 40 years establishing an equal footing in the professional world, and have now achieved a 50 percent presence in the workplace. Now, a quiet but powerful revolution is beginning to happen on the other side. More men are staying home and not only liking it, but discovering how powerful and important their presence is for child development.
When guys are home parenting, you can bet there are a lot more games of Superman crashing through the house, soccer outside and creative meals made in one pot, but studies show kids benefit equally from a house run by a single mom or dad. As many modern parents know, the old adage that men 'aren't as good at parenting' reflects more a fact of lack of practice or opportunity, than aptitude.
Jeremy Adams Smith, is author of The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Fathers, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting are Transforming the American Family, now available in paperback. He is holding the primary parent role in his family, and has done extensive research into parental roles. He writes:
Where once it was thought that the minds and bodies of men were hardly affected by fatherhood, today scientists are discovering that fatherhood changes men down to the cellular level. For more than a century, it was assumed that mothers, not fathers, were solely responsible for the care, life choices, and happiness of children. In recent years, however, we have discovered that father involvement is essential to a child's well being, and that dads provide unique kinds of care and play that mothers often do not.
In so many ways, raising a family remains slanted in our collective psyche towards the more feminine interests and styles. Full time Dad's often feel awkward at the library "play groups" and feel like an outcast on the playground. Yet, when men become involved with their children, it helps bolster their self-esteem, improve performance at school and keeps them from high risk behaviors. While women have demonstrated different, but equally effective methods of leadership in the boardroom, men are standing up to redefine how to run a household.
One of the most creative and effective ways to explore the complexities of changing social systems is through storytelling. So, for all you Dad's who are out there manning the stove, changing diapers, driving the teenagers and taking primary responsibility for watching the kids, have I got a wonderful summer reading book for you. After all, I highly doubt the "Twilight series" is on the top of any macho reading list.
Home, Away is a new fiction book about a Major League Baseball player who quits the big leagues in his prime -- and gives up a $42 million contract -- to care for the son he lost in a custody battle years before. Written by Jeff Gillenkirk, freelance writer and former speechwriter for New York Governor Mario Cuomo, the story evolves from his own experience as the divorced father of a teenage son.
"This is a story about someone struggling with the conflict between work and family that so many people face: how can I have a career and raise a kid?" said Gillenkirk as we chatted by phone this week. Part of this story is inspired by divorced Arizona star Matt Williams, a major league baseball player who decided to leave the sport to spend more time with his family -- a brave move in a very masculine sport.
Whether or not you like baseball, have been in a divorce or raised a child single-handedly, this is a fun and quick read that reflects the complexities of relationships, the up's and downs of life, and the necessary sacrifices that are often required of both men and women in the long journey of parenthood.
Publicist David Jacobsen of Chin Music Press commented, "A stay-at-home dad myself, I can attest to the fact that there are really no novels that grapple with the conflict between a man's ambition and the love of parenting. Home, Away is about that conflict, set against the dramatic backdrop of professional baseball."
Gillenkirk is an advocate for educating men about the importance of early involvement in their children's lives. He plans to use his fiction novel as a tool to help men talk about the importance of being involved with their kids, as they are going through mandatory parenting classes before formal divorce. He meets with prison inmates to explore the generational toll of absent fathers, and high risk behavior.
"If Dad's get involved at the beginning, they become bonded and so involved, it stays for the rest of their life," said Gillenkirk. "It often boils down to men not taking the opportunity to parent, and always default to work taking precedence."
If books are not your cup of tea, there is a great new documentary out called The Evolution of Dad, written and directed by New Jersey-based stay-at-home dad Dana Glazer, who sees the shifting landscape of fathers, and recognizes this is a time unlike the generation before, or the generations to come. According to The New York Times, "Dads like Glazer are redefining the role, rejecting old expectations while still answering to them, knowing they don't want the earlier model but not yet certain what the new model should be."
Check out this emotion-filled YouTube clip of the film that this is sure to awaken the special place Fatherhood holds in our collective hearts.
WATCH:
Evolution of Dad - Introduction from Evolution of Dad on Vimeo.
As Ed and Deb Shapiro often cite here on HuffPo, "Be the Change." How are men redefining the role of caretaker in your experience? Love to hear your comments and stories below. Feel free to click on "Become a Fan" to receive weekly updates.
Follow Kari Henley on Twitter: www.twitter.com/karihenley
Dana H. Glazer: Working Dads: Hidden Heroes in the New Fatherhood Movement
Brian Gresko: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being a Stay-at-Home Dad
Laura Stepp: Twenty-Something Men Want Babies, Study Says
Tom Matlack: Men Who Are Redefining Masculinity
My time in this role has been outstanding, enlightening, and positve despite the huge amount of negativity I have experienced at times. Not all communities, cultures, and areas of the country are as accepting or condoning of males being stay at home parents. Some of the under the breath and out right commentary I have experience from men and women has been beyond belief at times. Even when attending "mommy and me" classes with the youngest, a good number of women went out of their way to make derogatory comments, "unwelcome me." It wore on me at times but then realized how pathetic such people were/are.
Althoug changing, there are numberous stigmas associated with males as primary care givers. This is true with employers as well. For a woman to have a lapse in her employment/career field raising children is one thing but for a male, there is blatent discrimination and experience it first hand in interviews.
The time spent with my duaghters changed my life for the better. Loving and caring for one's children is what men are suppose to do when they become fathers and hubands. Period.
Thank you so much for sharing your candid experiences as a full time Dad. Telling stories like yours helps everyone to recognize the inner inequities our mind's have established in gender roles, and how destructive they can be when brought to light. Good for you for following your values with your wife and raising a family in the manner most suitable at the time. What a super role model you are!
Take care and thanks for stopping by!
In the process of transitioning to a new phase in life, serious reflection was in order. I have had an opportunity not afforded many parents male or female. An opptunity missed by parents serving in both wars. Because the decision was based upon the well being and development of our children, I look to them as testimony to my commitment, dedication, and presence. They both are doing extremly in all areas of development. My wife has advanced her career.
Sacrafice is an element of being a parent and a man that many do not understand or share but it is a principle that can not be overlooked. When one considers the loss of life in combat and war, the loss of jobs and homes faced by millions, one must simply sit back and be thankful.
Children are blessings, gifts, and miracles of life that some simply do not understand along with how marriage can be a wonderful element in life. Children, marriage, life, and love are peace, if you want to work at it and make it that way.
Joyfully,
Deb
I do not have a relationship with my father, and also share that envy!
Be the Change!
K
Beautiful,and 'about time' post! I've been a major fan of fathers on many dimensions for a long time. Although my own father was gone much of the time with the military, and later, with his own business, when he was home, the sun was shining. What a marvelous example he was of a devoted father, eventhough he struggled with demands for his time at work.
Many years ago when I divorced, after ten years of marriage, my ex and I arranged for Joint Custody. Gene was a devoted, daddy, and our son was his focus. Period. You can't do much better than that. Never once was I concerned about my son's well-being with his dad. The only difficulty was that we couldn't 'clone' Matt,and each of us have the pleasure of parenting full-time.
My husband, now of 30 years, has been a devoted dad in so many fine ways. Not easy as he was raised by his mother, so didn't really have a model. I think what's helped him have the great relationship he does with our daughter is his clarity and loving intention. They 'get' each other, and this pays big dividends.
As my daughter goes back to school, her husband, is recently a 'stay at home,' daddy. He is an excellent dad, and I believe is getting a real awareness of what the mama experiences 24/7.
Dads, everywhere: no one can ever replace what you bring. Bravo for your love!
Cara
Thanks for sharing your story, and insights!
I am one of those same dads who has taken the role of parenting deeply to heart, having viewed it as a spiritual experience from the moment my daughter was born by C-section and we spent her first three hours together in the middle of the night in the nursery - I have always felt that the cellular change you describe happened in those three hours. I have hoped and prayed that her mama and i would find ourselves in a joint custodial co-parenting relationship as we were breaking up, but from the way things look now, it's not going to be that easy. I keep the faith that it's going to change after we get the first few issues sorted out and that one day we will be able to say something similar to Cara's experience. I will say that parenting my daughter as a telecommuting father these last few years has been the best job i have ever had.
In the meantime, I have been keeping a journal of the separation, written as a series of letters to my little girl that maybe one day, when she's my age she will be able to read, just so she knows how much I love her and how we spent out days together when she was an infant.
Jude
http://fathersforlife.org/articles/report/resptojw.htm
http://www.slate.com/id/2063086
He was a much more organized and focused stay at home parent than I was. He was always able to have the beds made and the dishes done and he's a great cook so dinners were always amazing. My sons got to know their dad in a way that hadn't been possible before that because of the long hours he'd been working. The two years of having him home so much more and the full year of him being the primary care changed things forever. He made a huge effort to find a job that would give him lots of time with the boys. When he's home, he's all the way home and involved instead of tired and distracted. Our kids were always important to him but being home let him understand his importance in the mix.
You seem to echo a similar theme here that is so important.... fathers need space to become the parents they can be. Sometimes it has been through the unfortunate circumstances of professional balance that was the impetus. While the bank account suffered, the kids clearly won! Thank you for sharing your story....
Over 30 years ago when my husband and I divorced, we shared equal custody of our two daughters, an uncommon arrangement at the time. That arrangement lasted for 12 years, until the youngest child was a junior in high school. Throughout that time, their father was a primary presence and caregiver in my daughters' lives and in light of his early diagnosis with Alzheimer's and death 4 years ago, these years with their dad stand out as precious time where they got to relate to him in a very special way.
I'm not wishing this fate (Alzheimer's) on anyone, but I look back on our decision to share custody and the opportunity he had to be with his daughters in such a primary way as a "grace". Times have changed and so have men's roles and this is not so uncommon today and thank God.
Who knows how far reaching and beneficial this arrangement can be for both dads and kids? Not the least of which is men coming to appreciate the demands of parenting from the front lines. I say "bravo" to the men who take this on. And bravo to you for writing about it.
I love how you're tackling some very interesting family related issues in your writing. Must be what's up!
Many thanks and much love,
Judith
I remember hearing of your custody arrangement of one week with the kids, and one week without. What a unique arrangement back then. I am sure there were challenges, but offering the children a chance to be fully "present" at both homes is still fairly unusual to pull off. I also know your daughters were incredibly devoted to their Dad, and were with him steadily through the worst of his Alzheimer's until his death. Both of you "done good" with them. :)
Great post, thank you!
With love,
Anne
I've just returned home and am looking forward to seeing your post, and sounds like some wonderful things are happening in your life~ Thank you for your INCREDIBLE steady presence here. It astounds me your regularity in posting and sharing comments. I truly cherish them all!
with love right back
k
Your post struck me. 6 years ago my wife of 20 yrs ended things. She didn't want to have our 13 yr old daughter living with her but I sure as hell did. So until she went to college she lived with me 100% of the time. At the same time as this life change I changed my career to work from home. Was sick of my old job anyway and wanted to be home for my girl to provide stability etc.
The single fathering thing was the easiest part of that whole time. Not that I didn't worry or feel stupid and lost at times but from a heart and soul place, I wouldn't have traded those times for anything except a life with a happy wife and mom.
Peace on you my friend. You are doing important work!
Bill
OF COURSE you were a single dad! That must be why your heart is so open, and you are so ready to share it with others.
Your daughter is a lucky girl to have a solid relationship with her father during the formative years. Thanks for checking in- and sounds like you were a bit of a pioneer!
Kari
By the way, can we all please review when to use apostrophes? If it's possessive, use one. If it's a contraction, use one. If it's plural, DON'T. Sheesh.
Come be my editor! My achilles heel........... and no editors for our stuff. sheesh is right ! I HATE THAT!! :)
Thanks for stopping by!
Impressive and so encouraging! It is not that guys can't do this stuff, but we so rarely hear stories of those who do. Good luck and thanks for stopping by!
Great comment and what a great testimony to recognizing our differences as parents, and finding compromises. Nice work to both of you!
On the subject of divorce, it is true, many women are losing custody of their children to the men who have become stay at home dads. Just because a woman has chosen to have a career and a family does not mean she should be punished by losing custody of her children. This is a very tough area with regards to this subject.
www.divorcecandy.com
Agreed we have a long way to go in overcoming our paradigms about the value of motherhood vs. fatherood and the automatic stigmas that are associated with a father earning full custody of the children after a divorce. However, I am glad to see so many men coming forward speaking earnestly about their expereinces to help others find the much needed resources for support.
Thanks!