Why "Gathering" with Friends is Key to Stress Relief

How important is it to have a robust group of friends in life? Can it be that having a regular gathering with people you have come to know intimately is one of the most cherished aspects of daily life? I think it is, or can be. I believe we have lost this in modern society. Fewer of us go to churches or synagogues to see friends and neighbors, we are driven to work longer and harder, and reality shows look pretty good at the end of a long day to watch others get together while we collapse under the covers.

Extended families are dispersed so we rarely see distant cousins for holidays, and nuclear families run here and there without a moment to breathe; having 'take-out' dinners in the car between baseball and hockey practice. Dining room tables are used for storage, or simply collect dust when they should be the centerpieces of memories.

We schedule our kids and grow up to be scheduled adults. Our social time is now being squeezed into micro sentences posted on Twitter- who has time for a regular conversation! Getting 4 or 5 couples together for an evening of cards? Forget it. No one has time. We don't have time to eat, take evening walks, or have leisurely conversations in the back yard. And, forget about a commitment to weekend "get-together's" with neighbors and friends that drag on all day long. Does anyone else miss that?

In our rugged culture of individualism, we are all standing alone, yet we are not meant to be such solitary creatures. We are creatures of relationship. And not just one, we need layers of connections in order to feel whole. We need good food, exercise and proper rest to be balanced in our physical body; but we also need our partners to be present with us, we need good friends, we need close family ties, we need to have an open neighborhood culture, we need our work relationships to be meaningful and not cut throat, and we need to feel part of a global family.

The backlash to this crazy, compartmentalized modern life has been a recent craze of "hobby groups" to satisfy this need without consciously realizing it. No longer a part of daily life, we have to fabricate excuses to get together regularly. Today we will make time to be part of some sort of book club, coffee klatch, golf group, supper club, hiking group, game night, or knitting circle - does anybody focus on the book or task exclusively? Of course not! It's a place to gossip, relax and unwind. Perhaps we are driven to squeeze in time for these groups because they are a powerful contributor to health and well being. I may be so bold as to say it rivals anti-depressants, raw veggie diets and obsessively exercising at the gym.

Even some of our greatest minds in studying human behavior and the new rage of "Happiness" books may have overlooked the power of a regular monthly poker game with the guys. Certain elements are always the consistent that become a type of ritual: same table, same food, same cigars, same easy laughs. It takes away the stress of every day life, engages a flow state to slip into, and is a routine that not only takes the edge off; it is a component we build our overall sense of happiness in general.

While we give these social groups barely a nod scientifically, the sheer volume is worthy of investigation. Americans regularly get together to enjoy: Girl's Night Out, Monday Night Football, bridge night, pick up basketball, book club, Sunday night dinners, knitting circles, AA meetings, Weight Watchers, new mom's groups, babysitting co-ops, poker nights, weekend bar-b-ques, bunko or bridge game nights, soccer clinics, stock club, scrapbooking, garden clubs, meditation group, hiking, charity non-profit groups, gourmet supper clubs.... The list goes on and on.

We are wired for 'village style' community lifestyles at the very core. Our modern society has stripped away the importance of these groups to such a degree most of us do not even realize it is the "What's Missing" in our lives. Fundamentally, we long to belong. We crave a place to be part of a group with whom we are accepted, where we can care and be cared for. It helps us to hear that others are feeling the same way, or have experiences we can relate to. It may not solve anything, but it lessens our burdens to know we carry them with others.

Many people I have met have never experienced a deeply connected group, and wish they could. I believe having a special group does not have to be left to chance or random circumstance -- it can be consciously created at every layer of relationships in your life.

Maybe you once had a special group of friends in your life. If not now, why not? Is it too hard? Are all the people around you unapproachable? Are we all mildly depressed and lulled into a solitary funk?

Those who have a robust social life derive the benefit of having reinforcing encounters on a regular basis, and are great mood elevators. If you are rushing through the bank and run into someone who recognizes you -- what happens? An instant rush of positive emotion, you feel rooted in your community to see someone you know and like, you have common topics to discuss without requiring any extra time or work to maintain such a quick exchange.

In a down economy with no cash to spare, spending times with friends is cheap. It feels good, and it improves your health. When people get together, oxytocin, the "feel good" hormone is released that combats the negative effects of stress. Tom Rath wrote a book called Vital Friends and in it he describes the astounding response on a Gallup poll to improved work performance at almost every category if someone felt they were working with a "best friend."

So, maybe 2009 can become the year of gathering. The year to put regular dates on the calendar to get together with those friends you always wanted to know a bit better, to turn off the reality shows at night and have a game of Scrabble with your spouse. To clean the bills off the table and have a family dinner with the lit candles, cloth napkins and a vat of mac-n-cheese on a school night. If you can't afford your therapist, better not scrap those martini nights with the girls...sometimes it's all you need to get by on a bad day.

Comments

[Jil Sinon]

As a person who relies on my friends more than my family for emotional support you really hit the nail on the head. Knowing that have a closeness with my "ladies" is so comforting since my parents and siblings can only be immediately reached by phone. Keep up the good writings ❤

[ouroborous]

Yes, and no.

I've lived my whole life as a lone wolf. I'm not socially inept, but I've lost the patience for small talk. As a result, forced "gatherings" -- events that are not focused on a particular agenda or hobby -- are unpleasant for me (and, I'm sure, for people around me).

For younger folks, parties and gatherings and "get togethers" are second nature, and justifiably so: these group encounters are often key to playing the games of social status and mate selection that are very important to the young.

To those of us a bit more mature... well, many of us are happy to be solitary, and cannot or will not change that aspect of ourselves just because the "socialites" don't approve. It's not that we're disliked -- I know a number of "lone wolves" who have very close, loving relationships (myself included). It's just that we value quality over quantity.

I suspect that there are more people like me than we realize -- people who sometimes feel frustrated when society tells us that we're mentally ill or broken or defective simply because we don't go to parties or have a huge circle of friends (or "friends" now that Facebook connections seem more important than real life connections).

Personally, I'd rather hang out with a close friend or two, than go to a party. I'd rather have one serious conversation than lots of small talk. Unlike most people I know, I'm completely content to be alone for many

[rhk]

You have hit on something so basic and true that it is amazing that we all don't consider gathering and connecting a number one priority in this society.

[Juri Henley-Cohn]

Hi Kari,

I'm so glad you posted this. There are some wonderful insights here; things I hadn't considered before. For one, now I have 'evidence' to point out to my girlfriend when I tell her it's important for my health, psychology, and overall well-being for me to go watch the game with the guys! Thanks for that!

On a more serious note, I think you're definitely right, we certainly are hard-wired (from a biological and anthropological perspective) to spend time in groups and community. In the past, I think religion often played this role for people (and today still does for many), but the influence of religions in today's society has waned (whether that's for better or worse is a whole separate discussion). In their stead, we have all the different types of gatherings you described in your post. It's like religion without the dogma and the doctrine!

I can't wait to read your next post!

-Juri

[KarBear]

Thanks Juri!
Absolutely- hanging with the guys is good for your health, as are her manicures with friends, shopping trips or endless telephone chats with her sister.
Different strokes for different folks!

I know you have had a rich life of social circles with family and friends, it is a true treasure.
Kari

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Kari,

Gathering and connecting is absolutely wonderful and as you point out, does not have to be expensive. Sharing a pot luck dinner can be such a joy. Giving ourselves the gift of our time to just be together is truly precious I think. Nurturing and rewarding in so many ways that are hard to put into words.

Year of Gathering is a lovely idea. There is something about face to fact contact that goes way beyond exchanges on the internet, good at they can be. All of our senses can be engaged and enriched. Talking, listening, exploring conversations - all can be so expansive in what seem to be times of contraction and loss. I love getting together with friends and family.

Thank you for your post and I look forward to reading more from you in the future!

Blessings to you,
Anne

[KarBear]

HI Ann!
Thank you so much for leaving a wonderful comment! I am a big fan of your work.

In the cold of the winter, I agree the warmth of simple engagements seem to be striking a chord.
sometimes it is in hearing another's problems, worries or struggles engages our sense of empathy and can lift us out of our own funk.
Appreciate your thoughts! Have a great day
Kari

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

You are on to something essential, Kari. Some 24 years ago when we moved from Seattle to Boulder, I overheard so many people talking about the lack of places to gather. Especially in a Spiritual Way. This surprised me, because as a newcomer, Boulder seemed to be quite a tight community with endless options. Nonetheless, I trusted the input, and so began a long period of offering what I called "Sunday Gatherings." You cannot imagine how quickly it grew. People of every persuasion joined in: Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus, Agnostics, pagans, and so on. What a joyful experience it was to participate in a Circle of Chosen Family on Sundays--people who were more interested in being inclusive, than exclusive, more interested in celebrating what we had in common, that arguing to be right about who's way was The Way.

Since then, there has been a great deal of research on community, and the relationship of it to our health. Turns out that in some studies, it contributes to our well-being and longevity even more than diet and exercise, (although these remain crucial).

All my best wishes to you as you join this Huffington journey!
Cara

[KarBear]

HI Cara!
Thank you so much for the comment. I also am a very big reader of your work and am so impressed with the contributions you make to make our world a better place.

I love the simple idea of Sunday Gatherings. Over time, as people come, that experience of moving from friends to "chosen family" is powerful indeed.

I have found it takes a group at least 6 gatherings to become more intimate. The research you speak of is true- having friends can double your odds of surviving heart disease!
Have a great day
kari

[KKOLLSKI]

You summed up our lives to a T. Today’s society brings many challenges and when it comes time to unwind most rely on artificial things like TV because there’s no energy for much else. I know that I’m guilty of the reality TV show veg session after a long day!
Kari -

I think that everyone is truly different and should explore ways to find that oxytocin surge. My wife is a social butterfly like you and I believe that she is experiences the things that you describe out of a social setting. For me it is sometimes different. Sometimes during my social gatherings I prefer to be doing my own things to unwind…

Different strokes for different folks, I guess. It did strike a chord where you talked about the craving to find someone in a crowd and how if you do, you get that feeling. I know what you are saying here and I think that it is an innate mainstream we all share.

[KarBear]

Thanks for the note!
It is so true that many men and women find different outlets for stress. The old adage of men needing "cave time" and women needing "Gab Time" often plays out for couples and friends alike.
The quantity may be variable, but "everybody needs somebody..... sometimes!"
Thanks again
Kari

[DenverO]

Love the first entry and will definitely bookmark your weekly blog. Those martini nights with the girls will continue to go strong in 2009! Thanks!

[KarBear]

Thank you! I am so delighted to have your eyes each week! Please let me know what you think as time goes, on and feel free to share any ideas!
Kari

[mgibson]

Wow - I completely agree. There are countless friends I would love to get together with, but by the time errands are run and we get home, fix dinner, get our daughter fed and bathed and ready for bed, we are exhausted! You really have to make an effort to make time for yourselves. Facebook has been a great reconnection tool, but it certainly doesn't do anything for the kind of therapy you get when you can really sit down with friends and relax. Not the kind of getting together that adds stress - having a dinner party, making sure everything is perfect, but the simple joy of having a few close friends over and chatting over a bottle of wine. No expectations, no stress, just an outlet to talk about your week, your life and what's going on. Real talk, real laughs. Here's to more gathering in 2009 and less therapy bills!

[KarBear]

Thank you so much for the comments! I think you summed up some of those simple moments so beautifully!
The stress of having everything "perfect" is NOT part of the Year of the Gathering!

I have found, as a mother of 4 children - that my house is always trashed. I have surrendered. I invite friends over and make a point to tell them, "I'm not cleaning for you." Guess what? I always am rewarded with huge smiles of relief!

Glad you can make some time for one another. Take care.
Kari

[txkayrose]

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who has cried "uncle" to the impossible (keeping my house clean).
And, yes, I now know that I have a few more REAL friends - the people who come over and visit even though they know they will have to move the cat / magazines / toys to sit in their favorite chair.

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Kari,

Congratulations on your first article here at the Huffington Post! Welcome aboard! I'm so thrilled to see your writing here and I know you have so much to contribute to this community.

I LOVE the idea of 2009 being The Year of the Gathering. We're gathering so many and so much. We're gathering the members of ourselves (re-membering ourselves), we're gathering the scattered shards of our broken dreams and visions for our lives and our country, we're gathering our focus and our energies to make the shift to a new paradigm of service and leadership. We're gathering courage for our spirits and souls to endure the hard times ahead and emerge stronger, with renewed dedication to the true Spirit of America.

So may we gather and so may you be the strong voice of remembrance as to why we gather.

Many blessings on this new writing adventure,
Judith

[KarBear]

Well said from the words of a true master. Thank you, Judith. For bringing me into this fantastic community, and for holding such a strong vision for us all.

Gathering as individuals, couples, friends and families is what will give us the ability to stand tall again as a Nation and re-cast our worth as leaders into the future.

I look forward to our "Super Tuesdays" of collective columns to share together.
Kari

[macdara]

Kari-Beautifully said! Write your Congressman and ask this to be officially declared the year of gathering. I'm also excited to see internet communities--once thought to be a unlit back ally of perverted human interactions--evolve into places where people connect and reconnect for meaningful interactions both online and off. I met a ton of fabulous people through MoveOn and have been in touch with old flings and friends through Facebook.

[KarBear]

Thanks for the comments!
Agreed. Internet communities are opening up new possibilities for connecting we never imagined possible. I love the idea of having "cyber friends" coupled with the ones we can touch and share a plate of cheese and crackers with.
Kari

[BruceBarber]

Hi Kari,

I agree that we, as a culture, are losing our sense of connectedness. I don't know my neighbors as well as I should, and often spend hours running the kids around town without really interacting with anyone. I'm encouraged, however, by the fact that today I received an invitation, via Facebook, to an Obama Inauguration party at a local restaurant. I think this demonstrates that there are people out there (myself included) who actively seek a return to the sense of community that we lost in our post World War Two rush to the suburbs.

[CherylR]

Kari,
Your timing is impeccable. We all do long for connection and our new president seems to be plugged into that trend. I am optimistic that we are headed for a time of renewed connection to each other. After all we really are one.

[KarBear]

Hi Cheryl.
Yes. thanks for that. Funny how so many are sharing their longing....
Kari

[KarBear]

HI Bruce!
Thanks for the note, I appreciate it so much!
Stand by for next week's column! I am writing about the spirit of community inspired by Barack Obama, in so many layers of our lives. I, too, am going to a big neighborhood innaguration bash, and can't wait.

Here's a secret I have found: a little connecting goes a long way. Even a monthly get together with a friend or two is enough to fill the well and keep us going! Hang in there!
Kari