Oh, if only grandparenting was a second chance to get it right! A spate of recent articles and blogs written by besotted grandparents would have us believe that our older, wiser selves can actually correct the missteps we took on our own parenting paths by avoiding eerily familiar parenting potholes as we deal with our grandchildren. Phrases such as "do-over" and "second chance" are liberally sprinkled through the essays I read while preparing for another visit from my granddaughter.
As much as I wish it were true, there are no second chances in parenting. I spent much of my second pregnancy swearing up and down that I would spare the new baby the beginner's bungles I made with his brother. The problem is, baby number two arrived on earth with an entirely different set of challenges. The issues I faced with my firstborn were nonexistent with his brother. I chose from a whole new menu of screw-ups the second time around.
My second child did not grant me a second chance to get everything right. Rather, he gave me my first crack at getting all new things wrong.
By the time son number three made his grand entrance into the world outside my womb, I was convinced I had this parenting thing mastered. He would be the beneficiary of everything I had learned from the pratfalls and the faux pas, the misjudgments and the snafus. So why did it take me 10 years to notice his feet were as flat as the sidewalks he walked on? Probably because the first two had perfectly arched feet and I never thought to check. Or I was too busy parenting to check. By the time I finally set out to correct the problem, his flat feet had become uncorrectable and I had chalked up another parenting flub sure to induce guilt for the next several decades.
I could become the paragon of grandparenting, the paradigm by which all other grandparents are measured, the apotheosis of my generation. Yet, no good deed in the grandparenting arena can ameliorate the mistakes I made with my own children. All I can do is be thankful that my mistakes were not of the life-threatening or abusive variety. I made garden-variety blunders. I lost my temper a few times too many. I was sometimes lax on discipline, and occasionally I was overly strict. But my love was unconditional and my efforts well intentioned. It's the best any of us can do.
I will not and cannot parent my granddaughter because as far as I'm concerned she is already perfection. I am blind to her issues and happy to hand the parenting reigns to my son and daughter-in-law. Let them be in charge of the hard stuff. I want to be in charge of ice cream.
If we are lucky we get one shot at the parenting gig. For a myriad of reasons an increasing number of grandparents are raising their grandchildren these days, and I wish them strength. For most of us however, grandparenting is not a do-over or a second chance. My children would resent me if they perceived I was trying to turn it into that. They are having their shot now. Their parenting bloopers will bear their personal stamp. I am simply there to watch, encourage and support them. If asked, and only if asked, I will offer soft advice from the sidelines. For me, that's the best seat in the house!
Earlier on Huff/Post50:
I am who I am (and I think I'm a fairly decent person) because of all the crap I went through in childhood, and most definitely not because I had a perfect childhood (I did not have one).
Parents become good parents because they learn. You're usually a much better parent for your younger kids than older ones - because the older ones kind of break you in.
Grandparenting is not a second chance at parenting. It's a first chance at having an influence on a child you don't have to set a curfew for! It's a chance to be a confidant, a playmate, and leader of discovery.
Of course, I'm sure it's even better when you don't do what I did: my kids are spaced so far apart (they were 21, 15, 15, and 5 when the baby was born). My grandchildren are only 5 and 6 years younger than my youngest. Hard to be the fun grandma when you've got a teen living in the house!
I still tried to help.
She got angry and blocked me from my grandson and got angry when my ex-son-in-law let me visit my grandson.
But my grandson is a kind child and still loves me. My ex-son-in-law is my hero. And his family is very kind to me, too.
Why did my daughter turn on me? I let her go to the college of her choice. She couldn't make it there. I took care of her when she was sick. She wanted a divorce. I paid for it. She needed a car. I bought her one.
But nothing was ever enough. Finally, it had to stop.
And now, we will see.
She now blames you because while you gave her what she wanted, her life is a mess. Uneducated single mother. Time for her to just suck it up. She'll come around, but you'll have to do it on YOUR terms, not hers. She's an adult, it's time for her to act like one.
BTW - I'm the step-mother of a 35 year old woman who was a mess until her dad and I finally said "that's it. We've spent enough money on you. From now on, it's up to you whether you succeed or fail. You eat better at succeed." We refused to help at any junction. Some of those years were tough, but 10 years later, she's got her life straightened out, all on her own, and she's a decent human being I can be proud of calling my daughter.
I think the problem was a deep one. Both my brothers died young from Muscular Dystrophy. My daughter was premature. I just overparent.
But the divorce, I think, was needed. Even my ex-son-in-law was glad to end it.
My grandson is better not to see their awful fighting.
And my grandson visits his father often.
I won't pay for another thing. I bought her the car because she was putting my grandson on a motorped.
I had to keep him safe.
However, some find it somehow pushy because they would naturally wan to impress their own children that they know what parenting is all about: after all they brought the new parents to the world in the first place.