How Modern Technology Ruined My Favorite Spectator Sport
It's called the Speedo LZR Racer. Credited with dozens of world records, it's not sewn but welded together, was engineered by NASA, produces 38% less hydrodynamic drag than a normal bathing suit, covers from ankle to neck and has all but ruined my favorite spectator sport since I could say "libido": men's swimming.
It's only normal that performance trumps the swimmer's sex appeal and yes, in this case the women are wearing them too, but men's sportswear isn't all dictated by technology: Some players choose bigger because for the young American man, bigger has somehow become better. Larry Bird used to make hoops swoosh in tiny backside-skimming shorts. Now the men competing for gold in Beijing hold court in bloomers. John McEnroe served aces with his hairy thighs exposed, James Blake does it with fabric to his knees. And for those of us who spend more time horizontal on the sand than attempting to shatter world records, knee-grazing overly baggy board shorts are as abundant on the beach as the bikini.
While looking through family albums last Thanksgiving, I came across a photo of my father posing proudly in a giraffe print skintight Speedo. "Mine eyes!" I cried as I covered the picture. "That was the style!" he insisted admiring his youthful physique with pride. Now if you wear a Speedo it means one of four things: you are a competitive swimmer, a card-carrying member of the EU, over sixty and unaware of the changing times, or same-sex oriented.
The same holds true for underwear. While living in Paris I happened to see a lot of very heterosexual French policemen in their intimates--don't ask about the circumstance--and the majority of them were wearing very tight, brightly colored briefs. One even had a pocket for a certain family-planning device right on the front. Surely if you asked a group of young American men if they were sporting boxers, boxer-briefs or briefs, the brief would be a rather underrepresented member of the underpants clan. Women, on the other hand are barely wearing a thing under there--I have seen underwear gracing the pages of the Victoria's Secret catalogue that would serve just as well as an eyepatch. And that Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini that caused such a stir in 1960? It's now being mass-produced by J. Crew.
When did Speedos on the beach and briefs in the bedroom become banished by the young straight American male? "From Here to Eternity" star Burt Lancaster proudly displayed his physique in the tightest shortest bathing suit allowed on screen in 1953, Gordon Scott played Tarzan in a barely-there loin cloth and it's hard to conjure bodybuilding images of Arnold Schwarzenegger without skimpy swim trunks. Today, a young man on an American beach in a Speedo has the shock value of a topless woman.
Maybe it's just a bell curve and things will go skimpy again soon. In 1916, park and beach governing boards declared that men's bathing suits had to have a modest "skirt effect," and before 1937 they could be arrested for indecent exposure if they bared their chests on American beaches. The silver screen in the '50s and '60s changed things, but now we are back to male modesty. Is the renaissance of the skimpy Speedo around the corner? Who knows? For now, on America's beaches and in her bedrooms less is more for women and more is more for men. It just doesn't seem fair.
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I'm not particularly puritanical, but I have to draw the line at nudism. Nudism is simply gross and unsanitary. You might also ask yourself why hardly anyone who might actually look *good* nude is ever actually nudist.
That's ridiculous! Nudism is totally natural and ESPECIALLY nice when a world class athlete shows a beautiful body. It's just dumb how American Male Athletes are wearing blouse-y pants to compete in. Nudism is NOT unsanitary; and it's only gross to you. Thank God we still have Men's Diving.
Nudism implies the absence of any sort of clothing, including what the divers are wearing. And it is w/o question unsanitary.
Those body suits look gayer than a Speedo though.
It looks like a woman's one piece swimsuit.
I'm a gay man and I appreciate the male physique as much as anyone, but in my opinion, a thong is WRONG, no matter what shape one is in or how old he is. Very unflattering and very unattractive. Yuck.
AGREED. You can always tell the gay-for-pay go-go dancers at a gay club by which ones think "banana hammock" will somehow get them more tips...
Charlot, there is a big difference between a Speedo and a thong. A thong is much thinner and usually rides up in-between your rear-end. Also, Speedos were created not for their sex appeal, but because they make swimming easier because they have less drag and don't bunch up when you swim.
I don't read the comments by the author to suggest that the average person should wear a Speedo at the local beach, but rather to lament not being able to see as much of the toned physiques of the Olympian when they wear those new weird spacesuit-like swimming suits.
As for what the locals wear at the beach, people should simply wear what fits them (whether it be Speedos, box-shorts, or Burmudas) and what makes them feel comfortable, and everyone else should mind their own business.
No one is asking Basketball Players to wear thongs. Not even the Beach Volleyball Gals wear Thongs. This article is NOT about Thongs - in fact, it complains that women are wearing much less in proportion to men wearing much more. All that's being asked is for a functional outfit that doesn't cover up the whole body.
"It just doesn't seem fair." ???
If you want a man, you have to do it their way. No, it's not fair; it's just life.
Amen.
Fun is fun, and as an SWM, I appreciate the less-is-more approach to sporting attire. But, just recently, I had an eye-rolling moment when I read about how some women in the Beach Volleyball community bemoan spectator's concentration on the bikinis over the talent and artistry of the athletes. This made me wonder when, if ever, a male felt compelled to say that he resented being seen as a sex object instead of a gifted practitioner of an arcane skill.
I recall the horrified reaction a few years back, to the Australian Women's Olympic Basketball wearing bodysuits, and more recently, the howls of indignation as female tennis players gravitated toward more revealing togs.
Still, if the ladies prefer to see men in marble bags, I get it. But they've got to quit kvetching when we guys prefer seeing them in all their curvaceous glory as well.
I just want to see those male volleyball players in less attire. It's so cruel how they
are all covered up....get them out of those paper-bag shorts-their awful!
Let's see their curves, something smaller and tighter!!!!!
Yeah. . . what's up with the men's beach volleyball uniforms? As someone posted, they look like pajamas. The women play in pseudo-swimwear; why not the men?
What is it with today's shorts for men? They're not shorts! They're capri pants! I thought shorts were supposed to make you feel cool (as well as look cool). The fashion world has clearly run out of ideas.
Men's shorts fashion is all backwards anyways. The ones who look best in short shorts (young males) are wearing the capris while the ones who look worst in short shorts (us older guys) are wearing the short shorts! It should be the other way around!
Then there are those of us who are of the mind that shorts NEVER look good on ANYONE. Pants is where it's at, baby!
I heard a Physicist explain how it is the fact that this is the deepest pool ever used in the Olympics by 33%.
He explained that the shock waves of a swimmer go down to the pool bottom and back up and these waves create drag slowing down the swimmer. The Bejing pool is 3 meters deeper so it takes longer for the shock waves to come up and the swimmer is past most of the drag of these shock waves by the time they come back to the top.
I wondered about the breaking of so many world records and while the suits may have some effect the depth of the pool has more effect.
To set the record straight about french men, my boyfriend (from Nice) is strictly a boxer-brief man.
Oh, and he also doesn't talk about feelings (or wear a beret). So much for stereotypes!
So, he doesn't smoke, either?
:-/
The truth being that no man under the age of 22 and then only with certain physiques should be allowed to wear a Speedo or a bikini brief in public or private. Nothing is worse than going to European beaches and seeing middle-aged men who should be covered from waist to knee wearing only a banana hammock. Still not quite as bad as seeing them wearing nothing at all. Let's face it, the human body, either male or female is only at its viewing "peak" for about ten years or so, after that it is time to start covering it up. However, I must agree with you that these new swim suits are horrible and should be outlawed by the Olympic Committe. If you have got it flaunt it and those guy's definitely have it.
I generally swim 1-2 miles four times a week (in a pool an in the Atlantic). I wouldn't want to endure the abrasion and other discomfort I'd experience if I wore blousy swimming trunks during this activity.
On the other hand, all of this swimming probably puts my 55-year-old body a lot closer to its "viewing peak" than that of the typical slob on the beach. Who knows, maybe I'd even pass your acid test for wearing a Speedo.
Actually, I'm kind of fond of going to nude beaches lately... Seeing all the corpulent, hairy whales just letting it all hang out kind of makes you realize "well, hey, if they're happy with what they are and can enjoy THOSE bodies... well, then, I sure as hell oughtta be enjoying my in-shape 20-something body!" It's kinda life-affirming, in a way.
That said, anyone who wears swim shorts that go below the knee is an idiot -- those things make your legs look like toothpicks, and your gential area non-existent.
"The truth being that no man under the age of 22 and then only with certain physiques should be allowed to wear a Speedo or a bikini brief in public or private'
I would not limit this to men. Next time you're at the beach, a pool, sunbathing in the park, etc, please take time to notice the number of women sporting the tiniest of bikinis who really should opt for modest bathsuits with skirts. Here's the rule: If you have a great body, by all means, show it off. If you don't, then please spare the rest of us the horrid spectacle...that goes for the guys and the girls.
I kind of admire both men and women who wear what they want, even if their bodies are not pleasing to the eyes of others. Some people are really comfortable in their own bodies, and that is an attractive quality in itself. If we're not comfortable looking, then we can look the other way.
The last time I went to the beach (a week ago today), I wore a speedo. This was in Laguna Beach.
This particular beach was occupied mostly by homogeneous-looking high school aged kids. I was one of perhaps five males on the entire beach who didn't have all of the following: a skim board, a perfect tan, a clean-shaven face, or shorts that border on being capris. I was the only male on the beach to lack all 4 of those things. Plus I was wearing a hat. This phenomenon [i.e. my presence] was enough to inspire total strangers to stare in disbelief, chuckle quietly from a distance, laugh loudly in my face, or take photographs of me -- while laughing loudly in my face.
I have pictures of people staring at me on my blog. And a picture of me in a speedo.
I saw it. i can see why people laughed in your face. A dark cowboy-like hat and a speedo. You looked more like the New York naked cowboy. The only thing missing was a guitar.
ew that sounds exactly like the kind of person i wanted to get away from in Orange County (who laughs loudly and INSINCERELY at anything that isn't a clean shaven bro-dog). It seems like there's only ONE acceptable type of person in OC. Gross. So glad I left. I'm glad you're showing the place a new kind of person, the OC needs help. I see nothing wrong with looking like the NY naked cowboy. If i was still around I might've stared but admiringly.
I'm sorry but if everyone else is using the LZR then how is it an unfair edge?
The French 400m relay team which was defeated by a fraction of a second was wearing different suits. Had both teams been wearing the LZR we wouldn't be seeing all this jingoistic nonsense from American fans.
I wouldn't wear a bikini style Speedo to the beach now that I'm getting into middle age. Give me swim trunks but make them short and a little sexy.
That said, I have one heck of a nice underwear collection and I'm definitely as straight of a guy as they come. I can never understand how any man can wear baggie bulky boxer shorts underneath their clothes. Give me gorgeous slinky skin tight tangas from Bruno Banani or Mey any day. It's a damn shame that in this cruel world women get to wear all kinds of beautiful clothes but the options for men are so boring that all we can do to break up the monotony is to wear cool underpants. I blame corporate culture and that awful invention, the suit and tie.
I'm not sure but I dont think the ladies here care too much about competition LOL
Speedos? Thongs? Totally ineffectual.
A man of a certain age chooses undergarments that absorb bumps and soak up sweat. I'd no more wear a thong in August than I'd drop a cocklebur in my shorts! Yeccch!
Comfort is worth more than style, any day, any season.
I enjoyed watching Mark Phelps after his swim in the relay the other night. He partially removed the NASA garment and it slipped perilously down to the FCC fine zone as he cheered on his teammates. I was hoping we'd have a little Superbowl moment but alas, the suit clung tightly to his hips. The thrill of victory.
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