How Modern Technology Ruined My Favorite Spectator Sport
It's called the Speedo LZR Racer. Credited with dozens of world records, it's not sewn but welded together, was engineered by NASA, produces 38% less hydrodynamic drag than a normal bathing suit, covers from ankle to neck and has all but ruined my favorite spectator sport since I could say "libido": men's swimming.
It's only normal that performance trumps the swimmer's sex appeal and yes, in this case the women are wearing them too, but men's sportswear isn't all dictated by technology: Some players choose bigger because for the young American man, bigger has somehow become better. Larry Bird used to make hoops swoosh in tiny backside-skimming shorts. Now the men competing for gold in Beijing hold court in bloomers. John McEnroe served aces with his hairy thighs exposed, James Blake does it with fabric to his knees. And for those of us who spend more time horizontal on the sand than attempting to shatter world records, knee-grazing overly baggy board shorts are as abundant on the beach as the bikini.
While looking through family albums last Thanksgiving, I came across a photo of my father posing proudly in a giraffe print skintight Speedo. "Mine eyes!" I cried as I covered the picture. "That was the style!" he insisted admiring his youthful physique with pride. Now if you wear a Speedo it means one of four things: you are a competitive swimmer, a card-carrying member of the EU, over sixty and unaware of the changing times, or same-sex oriented.
The same holds true for underwear. While living in Paris I happened to see a lot of very heterosexual French policemen in their intimates--don't ask about the circumstance--and the majority of them were wearing very tight, brightly colored briefs. One even had a pocket for a certain family-planning device right on the front. Surely if you asked a group of young American men if they were sporting boxers, boxer-briefs or briefs, the brief would be a rather underrepresented member of the underpants clan. Women, on the other hand are barely wearing a thing under there--I have seen underwear gracing the pages of the Victoria's Secret catalogue that would serve just as well as an eyepatch. And that Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini that caused such a stir in 1960? It's now being mass-produced by J. Crew.
When did Speedos on the beach and briefs in the bedroom become banished by the young straight American male? "From Here to Eternity" star Burt Lancaster proudly displayed his physique in the tightest shortest bathing suit allowed on screen in 1953, Gordon Scott played Tarzan in a barely-there loin cloth and it's hard to conjure bodybuilding images of Arnold Schwarzenegger without skimpy swim trunks. Today, a young man on an American beach in a Speedo has the shock value of a topless woman.
Maybe it's just a bell curve and things will go skimpy again soon. In 1916, park and beach governing boards declared that men's bathing suits had to have a modest "skirt effect," and before 1937 they could be arrested for indecent exposure if they bared their chests on American beaches. The silver screen in the '50s and '60s changed things, but now we are back to male modesty. Is the renaissance of the skimpy Speedo around the corner? Who knows? For now, on America's beaches and in her bedrooms less is more for women and more is more for men. It just doesn't seem fair.
Follow Karin Tanabe on Twitter: www.twitter.com/snobbytanabe
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
Totally. Those glorious swimmer bodies are art! Show em!
Yes, it's all true and sad about the olympics swimming costumes. I'd be happy if all sports were played in bikinis. Who wears what under their jeans is very much dependent on where you are (country, climate), how old they are (straight men usually following gay men by 5-10 years in fashion except in big cities where it may be less time) and sexual preference. The country where men know best how to wear a bikini and look best in them is Brazil. In fact, it's worth the trip to Brazil just to sit on Copacabana or Ipanema and watch them stroll by.
The answer is obvious.
Blame Michael Jordan. Early in his career, Jordan wore his North Carolina uniform shorts under his Chicago Bulls uniform. That meant that the Bulls shorts had to be extra large. You can also blame gangs for their baggy destruction of American fashion, all the better to hide knifes, guns and drugs.
I don't think that high tech swimming suits should be allowed because it gives advantages even better than bare skin. They give too much of an advantage and should be outlawed in Olympic competition.
I used to watch women's swimming for all the wrong reasons. At least there's women's beach vollyball.
Yeah, but men's beach volleyball is all about knee length shorts and sleeveless t-shirts. What a disappointment.
The baggy shorts and pants comes from prison culture where they are not allowed to wear belts. Not Michael Jordan.
The U of Michigan Fab Five had the biggest shorts in basketball first.
By the way, the Fab Five at Michigan wore the tent uniforms because of Michael Jordan's influence.
I mentioned gangs, so prison culture goes hand in hand with that. Michael Jordan had a major influence on clothing styles by changing basketball uniforms and fashion at large. (pun intended)
Hmmm... that doesn't make sense. If you couldn't wear belts, why would you wear baggy pants?
I agree, I want to see the girls in bikinis, not these stupid outfits.
Sorry...the less seen the better on them...on the men, less...
women need more underwear and male swimmers need tiny bathing suits.
I have no problem with banning NASA derived swim wear from competitive sports. There's no reason to watch anymore.
Right...the space suits work fine for the ladies...speedos for the men...
You're definitely right about LZR suits, even speaking as a non-same-sex-oriented-male.
Maybe they should have a rule about the amount of material used, or even go Greek.
---
But this surprised me.
"...arrested for indecent exposure if they bore their chests..."
Isn't it:
bear->bore->born
bare->bared->bared
?
Spell-checkers don't catch these, do they?
:-)
"....or even go Greek."
I think you might have a problem with the Rudder
"Bared" is the word she should have used.
honey, you just have to keep up with the times: switch from watching swimming to watching diving!. . .all remains well with the world in diving!
Here, here
Amen to that, girl. Those male divers are mighty fine!
So injecting steroids is performance enhancement but a high tech swimsuit designed to allow you to swim through water more quickly is not? Interesting.
It doesn't matter that much to me... tomato, tomatoe, one is outside the body, the other one inside, makes for a faster show, also better in some ways, I'm all for performance enhancing drugs and materials, and another good thing, that way, china will win on sports that are not judged on appreciation, but rather on performance, or rather, china wins with performance enhanced judges, USA wins with performance enhanced athletes... just a thought.
I am all for PED's. I want to see someone hit a ball 580 feet, run the 100 meter in 9 seconds and have a boxer knock someone's face off.
It's very entertaining.
Why wear anything?
As a gay man, I must say I HATE Speedos. They just look wrong to me. I think a well built guy in slightly baggy board shorts is much more sexy. I suppose it has to do with imagining what is unseen.
as a gay man myself: no, no, no... bring back the speedos!
as yet ANOTHER gay man. PLEASE bring back the speedos !!!! They work so much on their bodies for strength let us at least admire the result
Here is a scene from the 1950s movie, "From Here to Eternity." Notice that Burt Lancaster is wearing what was the regular swimwear of that era. Imagine if he were wearing those long heavy baggy trunks that you see at pools and on the beaches today. It's not just ugly, it's impractical. The famous movie scene would have bit the dust, swept away, never to be seen again. But with his briefs, it made movie history. (Deborah Kerr's swimsuit is not very sexy, though. ) Here is the link:
http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=1W6AGM-LxGY
The book by James Jones is great.
As are boxers...who the hell wants their junk bouncing around? It's OK if you don't have any to bounce around, but when you got something going on, it's damn uncomfortable!
Amen. I miss the Speedos.
I always wonder why we don't see the male volleyball player in something tighter and smaller.
Why shouldn't we see more of their bodily parts in the outline of their suit...sex sells right?
They are always finding new ways to perfect the tiny suit of the women volleyball players,
yet the men are still in their pyjamas....Ridiculous!
A lot of these men have some of the sexiset bodies I've ever seen, yet so much
of them is cruelly covered....sadly, I guess I'm not allowed to be teased.
No bouncing, wiggling, jiggling or pulling suits out of their crack for me.
How unfair that I must rely on my imagination to the curves and shapes
below that heavenly 6-pack....(sigh)
Seinfeld to the rescue again.
Remember the episode where Jerry's girlfried goes nude around the apartment and Jerry discovers "good naked and bad naked"?
Elaine remarks that the female body is a work of art and the male body is "good for getting around, like a jeep".
Elaine added, "Naked is not a good look for a man."
REALLY! Have you watched ANY sports lately?...Obviously not!
When a man is physically fit and takes care of himself, his body is beautiful!
The shapes, the forms, the muscular development....Whoa!
You need to stop living your life through a Seinfeld lens,
flip through a mens' magazine, watch some sports, go to your local gym
Men are looking super-fine and would look even better in Speedos.
Now YOU might be the "bad naked", so that is why you quote Elaine... Sad.
Far as I'm concerned there is the traditional homophobia of California surfers. And it is true that back in the sixties gays wore bikinis which were designed to reveal more information than was comfortable for the majority of American families. But then, straight Europeans wore tiny triangles too. Even the fat ones. Gays kept to themselves on Fire Island and in Provincetown.
Please! Those long heavy fabric surfer board suits are cold and clammy around the thighs and knees when wet. But this 'goes with' the new Puritanism which is an inheritance of the leftovers of Christianity. Ah, how they love to sing in their chains!
And yes, the Olympics is a show of Beauty. male and female. If you believe it's only about winning, Hell, that is what politics is all about!
The first thing, though not the only thing, which the Olympics has been about from the very beginning, is BEAUTY. In fact, in ancient Greece, it was all about the phenomenal beauty of the young, naked, male athlete. Much as the members Olympic Comittee may hate to admit it. But then they seem able to convince themselves of pretty much anything they wish. Like how terrific it is for the world and human rights, to allow Beijing to host. Sure, and perfume smells wonderful on gangrene. No problem!!!!
If this trend toward technological gear continues, you might want to start counting tickets at subsequent swim meets. The take at the gate may diminish quite a bit.
Nude was always best...nothing to be ashamed of...America, land of puritanism.
Bloomers. Whenever I look for shorts the choices are bloomers or running shorts. Running shorts don't have pockets. Bloomers belong to the 1890s.
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
