How Modern Technology Ruined My Favorite Spectator Sport
It's called the Speedo LZR Racer. Credited with dozens of world records, it's not sewn but welded together, was engineered by NASA, produces 38% less hydrodynamic drag than a normal bathing suit, covers from ankle to neck and has all but ruined my favorite spectator sport since I could say "libido": men's swimming.
It's only normal that performance trumps the swimmer's sex appeal and yes, in this case the women are wearing them too, but men's sportswear isn't all dictated by technology: Some players choose bigger because for the young American man, bigger has somehow become better. Larry Bird used to make hoops swoosh in tiny backside-skimming shorts. Now the men competing for gold in Beijing hold court in bloomers. John McEnroe served aces with his hairy thighs exposed, James Blake does it with fabric to his knees. And for those of us who spend more time horizontal on the sand than attempting to shatter world records, knee-grazing overly baggy board shorts are as abundant on the beach as the bikini.
While looking through family albums last Thanksgiving, I came across a photo of my father posing proudly in a giraffe print skintight Speedo. "Mine eyes!" I cried as I covered the picture. "That was the style!" he insisted admiring his youthful physique with pride. Now if you wear a Speedo it means one of four things: you are a competitive swimmer, a card-carrying member of the EU, over sixty and unaware of the changing times, or same-sex oriented.
The same holds true for underwear. While living in Paris I happened to see a lot of very heterosexual French policemen in their intimates--don't ask about the circumstance--and the majority of them were wearing very tight, brightly colored briefs. One even had a pocket for a certain family-planning device right on the front. Surely if you asked a group of young American men if they were sporting boxers, boxer-briefs or briefs, the brief would be a rather underrepresented member of the underpants clan. Women, on the other hand are barely wearing a thing under there--I have seen underwear gracing the pages of the Victoria's Secret catalogue that would serve just as well as an eyepatch. And that Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini that caused such a stir in 1960? It's now being mass-produced by J. Crew.
When did Speedos on the beach and briefs in the bedroom become banished by the young straight American male? "From Here to Eternity" star Burt Lancaster proudly displayed his physique in the tightest shortest bathing suit allowed on screen in 1953, Gordon Scott played Tarzan in a barely-there loin cloth and it's hard to conjure bodybuilding images of Arnold Schwarzenegger without skimpy swim trunks. Today, a young man on an American beach in a Speedo has the shock value of a topless woman.
Maybe it's just a bell curve and things will go skimpy again soon. In 1916, park and beach governing boards declared that men's bathing suits had to have a modest "skirt effect," and before 1937 they could be arrested for indecent exposure if they bared their chests on American beaches. The silver screen in the '50s and '60s changed things, but now we are back to male modesty. Is the renaissance of the skimpy Speedo around the corner? Who knows? For now, on America's beaches and in her bedrooms less is more for women and more is more for men. It just doesn't seem fair.
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I agree somewhat. And it's my opinion, that wearing some specialized suit, like those worn for swimming or shooting competitions, should be banned. To me, they are no different a performance enhancer than a drug.
Make all the athletes wear the same thing, have an official Olympic tailor.
Sports fans, what we need is "NAKED OLYMPIANS" Naked swimers, naked volley ball, naked track stars, Clothing kept on all Basketball Players ...you know why, and of course naked gymnasts(you must be 19 or older to participate).
That's the way it used to be! Don't believe me....just check out the greek marble statues of Olympic contestants. Talk about great TV!!! An then there would be really cool Beer Ads, and whatever else one can imagine!
Olympics TV ratings would soar, America would be glued to their Sets and no-one would want to get anything done! NBC would become the worlds richest TV broadcaster....with Rupert Murdoch desperately buying it twice!!
Uh...well....oh......ah........whew........I so agree. Oh Lordy! I do so agree!!!!!!
See, now I need a cold shower LMAO !!
Clothing on Basketball players? Why? Problems with double dribbling? Ball hogging?
How would this be any different from gymnasts on a horse?
A woman must have made the case for naked basketball players. The engineering, or lack of same, in the male form would make running and jumping impossible in that condition.
I buzzed up this article... but this story needs more pictures! You know... to truly understand how great the Speedo is on fit, athletic men!!
Go Speedo ;)
Those baggy basketball shorts are too much for me. I don't think we need to go back to the little teeny tight shorts but let's find a happy medium okay?
Basketball shorts...? The guys are wearing skirts!
I still do not understand "shorts" that fall at or below the calf.
It's what we used to call "flood pants" or "highwaters" really, when you think about it! :-)
I can't believe the women beach volley ball players can stay in their suits. All that athletic jumping and diving and twisting and no over exposure. Wow, I'm impressed, and a bit distracted.
glue!?
I really wondered the same thing. How do those suits stay on and in place! Well, whoever designed those suits should win the Nobel Prize (or Crucifixion), depending on your point of view!
I just change the channel, and come back when the male divers are on...MUCH more distracting and interesting, thank you.
The answer is simple! If you got it, flaunt it - but be respectful. I bring all three styles to the beach - speedo, square-cut and board shorts. Once on the sand you can suss out the vibe and wear what feels right and respects the beach culture, especially when traveling in other countries. And when you see the next fat guy spilling out of and over his speedo, just have a chuckle about it and leave him be! Bitchy comments are best left to the insecure idiots who feel the need to criticize other peoples choices. Don't look at him if you find it so offensive.
And yes, the Olympics are just as much about beauty and fashion as they are about the athleticism - why else all that money spent on the sparkles and shiny bits of the uniforms/costumes? It's part mind-game to out-psych your competitors, too - think Michael Johnson's golden running spikes. Did he really need gold shoes? No, but they were a fabulous bit of kit. And don't tell me the ladies (and men!) in ancient Greece weren't a little disappointed when the guys started covering up the good bits, the Olympics started off as a spectacle of physical beauty as much as a spectacle of athletic/physical prowess.
nicemonster, you sound so emotionally balanced and understanding, what are you doing here?!
I agree with every point you made and think your beachwear practice is awesome.
Unfortunately, at nude beaches, one finds that those who should not be naked, usually are...some frighteningly so...my favorite was a guy wearing nothing but a fanny pack...I never laughed so much in my life!
When we were in Australia last year and Europe this year the swim suit of choice for men were the briefs (Speedo). Here in Miami there are many men wearing the brief and thong suits. Also here we have no laws against women being topless on the beach, hence many women do go topless. Just a few miles north is Haulover Beach, the only nude beach in Florida. Tourists from Europe flock to this area for the simple reason that they can enjoy going to the beach like they do in their home land.
Watching the high dive portion of the Olympics is well worth it for those that like seeing great bodies in skimpy suits. The one piece suits the gals wear are cut to show the best of the best.
Simply because there are some very hot bodies at Miami's beaches, and people show them off...Good for them!
The main reason women's beach volleyball has taken off (no pun here) is because they ruled a few years ago that bikinis will be worn and not the shorts they had been wearing. Since they have changed the suits the popularity has skyrocketed. Who wouldn't like the rear view of the players giving their team mate the finger signals. Tight butts, drive me nuts.
i'm thinkin g that men wrote those rules. bouncing breasts.
OOOPS! Changed the channel...
don't you hate pants
I brought a whole bag of money, in case he asks us to burn it again!
I guess a lot of the viewers aren't getting enough sex. The Olympics aren't beauty contests, or fashion shows. They are about winning. That's the bottom line. Get over it.
That's like saying that the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are all about dance or the Victoria Secret runway show is all about the underwear. Girls like to get their visual kicks too.
It's two! Two contests in one!
I wonder how popular the olympics would be if the athletes weren't the pictures of human perfection and grace that they are and what's wrong with admiring that? It's an appreciation of beauty. And I do cheer for my athletes just for being amazing athletes.
I have to agree on the aerodynamic swimsuits. They look stupid and bot-like and is that really necessary? Also is it fair for swimmers to wear them if others aren't?
no , there are beauty contest and fashion shows, winning is a distraction. Do you think the Chinese spent billions for winning?? fashion and beauty is part of of money,its not about winning...
I feel sad for you. There are so many different levels of enjoyment of the Olympics, several of which have apparently entirely escaped you!
WHAT? What Olympics are you watching?
As for the Speedos, without those lovely skin-tight suits, you wouldn't have the lovely problem of wondering, when they pull them halfway off after the race, if all their manly parts are going to be shown to the world. For example, I thought after the relay race, that Michael Phelps would soon be exposed for more than just his swimming skills.....
Men have cheerleaders and Serena Williams, we women deserve something and swimming and track and field are definitely it! All hail to Speedo and Nike for making those outfits skintight, I mean more aerodynamic than ever!
Thanks, PcarlinPuritan.
That's true, it may reduce drag, but what a drag!
if you miss speedos in mens' swimming, you can still get plenty of speedo action in mens' diving.
moreover, even gay guys have given over to wearing board shorts more often these days-although it appears that smaller shorts are starting to make a comeback.
Why emulate AWFUL straight boy fashion...YUCK!
"if they bore their chests" should be "if they bared their chests"...
If they were drilling holes in their own chests or if they were transporting their chests on their chests...well, then I suppose "bore their chests" would make some sense, but, not really.
Good catch!
Oh my, a fifth grade elementary school teacher is at it ...again.
very funny editing.
Contrary to what someone upthread said, board shorts are not a result of the thug/gangsta urban influence, surfers were wearing baggies back in the in the 50s and 60s. The term "jammer" originally came from their resemblance to short, loose pajama pants, though now Speedo has put that name on their knee-length compression shorts. The 1960s Beach Boys song Surfin' USA mentions wearing baggies and a bushy bushy blond hairdo. So board is short for surfboard, and boardies are surfer shorts. I find it interesting that though young guys don't want to show any thigh these days, many sag their boardies so low that you see more than a hint of pubic hair peeking over the waistband.
I was glad to see a news article trying to describe the new LZR suits as looking like a corset. I have said they look like some sort of weird all over 1940s lady's foundation garment that squeezes, pushes, and reshapes. It takes a half hour to shoehorn a swimmer's body into one, and nobody could convince me that they could be any more comfortable than Scarlett O'Hara's 17 inch waist corsets were.
And let's face it, Michael Phelps would never win any hotness awards on the merits of his face alone.
Yeah, but he's got a smokin' bod!
Agreed...
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