How Modern Technology Ruined My Favorite Spectator Sport
It's called the Speedo LZR Racer. Credited with dozens of world records, it's not sewn but welded together, was engineered by NASA, produces 38% less hydrodynamic drag than a normal bathing suit, covers from ankle to neck and has all but ruined my favorite spectator sport since I could say "libido": men's swimming.
It's only normal that performance trumps the swimmer's sex appeal and yes, in this case the women are wearing them too, but men's sportswear isn't all dictated by technology: Some players choose bigger because for the young American man, bigger has somehow become better. Larry Bird used to make hoops swoosh in tiny backside-skimming shorts. Now the men competing for gold in Beijing hold court in bloomers. John McEnroe served aces with his hairy thighs exposed, James Blake does it with fabric to his knees. And for those of us who spend more time horizontal on the sand than attempting to shatter world records, knee-grazing overly baggy board shorts are as abundant on the beach as the bikini.
While looking through family albums last Thanksgiving, I came across a photo of my father posing proudly in a giraffe print skintight Speedo. "Mine eyes!" I cried as I covered the picture. "That was the style!" he insisted admiring his youthful physique with pride. Now if you wear a Speedo it means one of four things: you are a competitive swimmer, a card-carrying member of the EU, over sixty and unaware of the changing times, or same-sex oriented.
The same holds true for underwear. While living in Paris I happened to see a lot of very heterosexual French policemen in their intimates--don't ask about the circumstance--and the majority of them were wearing very tight, brightly colored briefs. One even had a pocket for a certain family-planning device right on the front. Surely if you asked a group of young American men if they were sporting boxers, boxer-briefs or briefs, the brief would be a rather underrepresented member of the underpants clan. Women, on the other hand are barely wearing a thing under there--I have seen underwear gracing the pages of the Victoria's Secret catalogue that would serve just as well as an eyepatch. And that Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini that caused such a stir in 1960? It's now being mass-produced by J. Crew.
When did Speedos on the beach and briefs in the bedroom become banished by the young straight American male? "From Here to Eternity" star Burt Lancaster proudly displayed his physique in the tightest shortest bathing suit allowed on screen in 1953, Gordon Scott played Tarzan in a barely-there loin cloth and it's hard to conjure bodybuilding images of Arnold Schwarzenegger without skimpy swim trunks. Today, a young man on an American beach in a Speedo has the shock value of a topless woman.
Maybe it's just a bell curve and things will go skimpy again soon. In 1916, park and beach governing boards declared that men's bathing suits had to have a modest "skirt effect," and before 1937 they could be arrested for indecent exposure if they bared their chests on American beaches. The silver screen in the '50s and '60s changed things, but now we are back to male modesty. Is the renaissance of the skimpy Speedo around the corner? Who knows? For now, on America's beaches and in her bedrooms less is more for women and more is more for men. It just doesn't seem fair.
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Here, Here!
I think there's a direct correlation between viewership going down for the Olympics and male athletes not wearing Speedos.
Although, I do have to say that those lycra shorts the runners wear sure "define" everything down there, especially when you watch the slo-mos from the front.
Here, here! (As well).
Monte, is that you? If it is, and I think it is, hope the houses are sellin'.
You had me at "slo-mos from the front."
A friend of mine told me to check that out...very entertaining...beats the women's volleyball by a long shot...
Not to mention the drugs.
Honey, there are ways around the swim suit force field. May I remind you of 2 things.
1. The Backstroke. Those guys do not wear full body suits.
http://www.daylife.com/photo/0dhrffa6DK1XG/Aaron_Peirsol
And even when he wears the jammers, he still wears them low enough for a show.
2. Micheal Phelps' near full frontal during that now infamous 400m Freestyle Relay.
http://www.scandalouscandice.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/08/10/4dd645775a88fd31d13f75bd8bd498acget.jpg
Not only do you see the full rance of his muscle tone, but his happy friend nearly makes his debut on the world stage as well.
Yes even with these prison suits, there is still a way for eye candy to reign supreme.
All right, now THAT's entertainment...who cares about who wins?
Speedos on great looking guys are the best. These olympic swimmers and divers have great bodies. I agree with you, I do not like the lack of speedos.
boo to the new swimsuits!! lol
Here, here...
The gymnasts still offer quite a show...
But the worst thing is when they sometimes open their mouths...sound like Mickey Mouse!
Butch it up, boys!
Eh,...I agree the men swimmers look like woman now. But I find speedos kina scary. Maybe I've just seen too many big, hairy, middle aged men sporting them to ever see anyone in them. WEohiwf ...I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it...
choke.
No one wants to see an out of shape man in a speedo. And no Olympian would be anyway.
Those long baggy shorts are a result of the 'gangsta' style.
Hip-hop would seem to rule.
"gangsta" it's slang for "prison wear"
No.... board shorts came about in the 50s-60's as surfers found out that a STRONG waistband was necessary in waves of any reasonable size. Speedos just didn't stay on.
???? Don't they bloat in the water? That's my experience...AWFUL! Feels like you have a water balloon in your...well...
They should swim naked.
Just like the Olympians making their bodies fiscality not technology to win.
We need NASA now for Olympic metals.
What about the underdog the great swimmer small country who can't afford a ten thousand plus dollar suit or big dollar technology to cheat.
Steroids are just the same as above cheating.
Naked is always better.
Actually, even for us gays, speedos tend to speak of a certain overbearing sleaziness... Those of us with bods and packages we're comfortable showing off a little prefer the newly revitalized box-cut, or trunk -- stylish, form-fitting, and a little revealing without that whole bikini-vibe.
Honestly, though, you really need to get your straight men in shape -- most of them shouldn't even be wearing board shorts, if that implies they're also going to take their tops off...
Let's not spread the body-fascism so common in the gay community. It's one of our worst attributes.
Yeah, but when it works, it almost compensates for the horrible, catty personalities, vapid lack of worldliness, communal insularity, and self-destructive behavior. Next to those, encouraging everyone to be in shape ain't too bad.
Yeah, as a gay man, I can say that it is my opinion that gay culture is incredibly immature. We are way too vain. A good body is certainly a good thing, but it is not the end all be all, nor even the most important aspect of someone.
Also, shame on those gay men that honestly believe that the natural state of the male body is hairless and smooth.
When will we grow up?
Nothing sleazy about them unless you tend to be prissy.
the guys dress like girls now. look ridiculous wonder what these guys are going to do with the rest of their lives and where do dthey get the money for their food/apartments etc. don't any of them have a real job?
this post is confusing. what the heck do you mean?
I'm pretty sure these guys have already achieved more than you ever will.
First off - are you looking at the nether regions of the cyborg swimsuits? I am, and there are NO SECRETS.
Second - a speedo or a bikini is the best cut for my body. I like how it accentuates my Apollo's belt. And if you don't know what that is, chances are you don't have a well-defined one.
--Sitcrit
Oh I have one, I just left it on my other body....
i have one too. it's just hidden under a few too many mexican meals.
thank you thank you for clearing this up, now i feel like ralph fiennes in the english patient when he found out about the suprasternal notch...
oh the outrage if the premise of the post were reversed.
Men are perverts if they lust after female bodies. Females are just being liberated.
Are you guys pretending that you have been restraining your sexual impulses? Give me a break. Men at the gym openly ogle me and I'm 50. You just can't help it. Fine, but god forbid I should check you out, then I'm being a cougar or whatever you call dirty old ladies. Nobody is calling you a pervert, but face it, you guys get a lot more eye candy than we do.
Yes, I miss the speedos. I don't care about sports, but the Australian men's water polo team was just gorgeous.
I agree with the comment by "perturbation"....why is everyone so tense about fitting in.. I swam in high school and have done so on and off ever since.. a few summers ago I made a slight joke at a party about still wearing my Speedo when I did lap swimming and it was like a record needle scratching.... they sell those knee length Speedo material things, I think they're called something stupid like Jammers but I really didn't appreciate everybody trying to shame me into feeling bad about something that was off my radar........of course I am a little fat........I guess I'll go shoot myself!!!!!! NOT
Ask Mark Spitz if he's still wearing a Speedo...
During the same time the average American physique has went dramatically downhill, perhaps its somewhat related.
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