How Modern Technology Ruined My Favorite Spectator Sport
It's called the Speedo LZR Racer. Credited with dozens of world records, it's not sewn but welded together, was engineered by NASA, produces 38% less hydrodynamic drag than a normal bathing suit, covers from ankle to neck and has all but ruined my favorite spectator sport since I could say "libido": men's swimming.
It's only normal that performance trumps the swimmer's sex appeal and yes, in this case the women are wearing them too, but men's sportswear isn't all dictated by technology: Some players choose bigger because for the young American man, bigger has somehow become better. Larry Bird used to make hoops swoosh in tiny backside-skimming shorts. Now the men competing for gold in Beijing hold court in bloomers. John McEnroe served aces with his hairy thighs exposed, James Blake does it with fabric to his knees. And for those of us who spend more time horizontal on the sand than attempting to shatter world records, knee-grazing overly baggy board shorts are as abundant on the beach as the bikini.
While looking through family albums last Thanksgiving, I came across a photo of my father posing proudly in a giraffe print skintight Speedo. "Mine eyes!" I cried as I covered the picture. "That was the style!" he insisted admiring his youthful physique with pride. Now if you wear a Speedo it means one of four things: you are a competitive swimmer, a card-carrying member of the EU, over sixty and unaware of the changing times, or same-sex oriented.
The same holds true for underwear. While living in Paris I happened to see a lot of very heterosexual French policemen in their intimates--don't ask about the circumstance--and the majority of them were wearing very tight, brightly colored briefs. One even had a pocket for a certain family-planning device right on the front. Surely if you asked a group of young American men if they were sporting boxers, boxer-briefs or briefs, the brief would be a rather underrepresented member of the underpants clan. Women, on the other hand are barely wearing a thing under there--I have seen underwear gracing the pages of the Victoria's Secret catalogue that would serve just as well as an eyepatch. And that Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini that caused such a stir in 1960? It's now being mass-produced by J. Crew.
When did Speedos on the beach and briefs in the bedroom become banished by the young straight American male? "From Here to Eternity" star Burt Lancaster proudly displayed his physique in the tightest shortest bathing suit allowed on screen in 1953, Gordon Scott played Tarzan in a barely-there loin cloth and it's hard to conjure bodybuilding images of Arnold Schwarzenegger without skimpy swim trunks. Today, a young man on an American beach in a Speedo has the shock value of a topless woman.
Maybe it's just a bell curve and things will go skimpy again soon. In 1916, park and beach governing boards declared that men's bathing suits had to have a modest "skirt effect," and before 1937 they could be arrested for indecent exposure if they bared their chests on American beaches. The silver screen in the '50s and '60s changed things, but now we are back to male modesty. Is the renaissance of the skimpy Speedo around the corner? Who knows? For now, on America's beaches and in her bedrooms less is more for women and more is more for men. It just doesn't seem fair.
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Every girl who I have ever had this conversation with says the same thing. In the age group of women 18-24 they just dont want to see anything from your waist to your knees. Maybe older women enjoy seeing the hairy (nearly pubic) part of the upper thigh. But not the girls Im after. Board shorts are the look and its what they like. Death to grape smugglers!
Board shorts? ugh. No way. Nothing is as sexy as a tattoo peeking out of those speedos. You could only see the top half......
I'd say the new generation of american men is a little more comfortable with man-skimps. most guys don't like a mushroom cloud of boxers overflowing out of increasingly tight pants, and boxer-briefs tend to ride up and bunch. so underwear styles have adapted. and with the increasing cultural relevance of the 60s and 70s, not to mention europe and asia, the cool thing is no longer to be an embarrassed, hide-it-all thug, but to be a sexually confident stylish guy, gay or straight. The "cool" national clothiers such as urban outfitters and american apparel are peddling styles that are more and more colorful and skimpy. However at the beach, keep expecting full length skirts for men, although the "retro" short short is also catching on. At a water park in the heart of the bible thumping midwest, I didn't get any disgusted looks when I wore some vintage purple and light blue 2 inch inseam short shorts. In fact some guys seemed to think they were pretty cool.
On what planet is this taking place?
I'm currently living in Indiana, and a lot of guys have moved past their male american body shame. The rule that says: if you look good you must be gay, shame on you, is being broken.
Be very, very careful what you ask for. Sure, I think I look hot in Speedos, but judging by the points and gilggles, I think I'm the only one of that opinion. You don't want an endless parade of men over 40 showing what years of fatherhood, beer and bad bar food has done to their bodies. Your gag reflex will be triggered - but simply by the visuals.
Why always call them "Speedos"? They're bikinis, and men should wear any kind they want!
This blows my mind. I always assumed that men's swimwear, etc. has taken the direction it did because women didn't find exposed male flesh attractive. But really, there are good reasons for things being the way they are. Men are not as invested in their body image as women are, and thank God. Women just have to be thin. In order not to look *comical* in a speedo or something similar, a man would have to be, well, an Olympic athlete. Most of us just don't have the time, and trust us, you don't want to see us in speedos (speedoes?).
Men are not invested in their body image? Was that 1950?
Look around you. Look at what men eat. Go to a gym, see how women outnumber men. And like I said, if men were that invested in their body image, God help them. The only male bodies that are anything other than laughable are those of bodybuilders and athletes. Do *you* have time to reach that level of fitness?
"Men are not as invested in their body image as women are [...]" - what, have you been asleep since the 80's?
I'm tired of women seeing me only as a sex object!
For your next article, I'd like to request more on this story ;)
"While living in Paris I happened to see a lot of very heterosexual French policemen in their intimates--don't ask about the circumstance--and the majority of them were wearing very tight, brightly colored briefs."
people in the US are so weird about bodies. so many rules, so much scorn about normal people's appearance. it's just primates and their banana leaves, people - what's so important?
I used to wear one of those baggy textile suits here in the USA. Now I wear a Speedo whenever I go to the beach, they look so much better and are more comfortable. I don't mind the attention from the ladies either. I'll never go back to the mini pants most dorky chumps still wear unfortunately.
I resisted the baggy swimsuits thing as long as I could. Up until about two years ago I wore a square cut suit, just above mid thigh. It wasn't worth the abuse. No one finds it attractive. And a classic Speedo could probably get you arrested in most of the U.S. now. Fashion is primarily a social phenomenon. It communicates. And if no one understands the message, why persist in it?
Karin Tanabe is officially my favorite Huff Post blogger. I decry that awful Nasa engineered suit...I don't care how many golds it will be responsible for! KEEP BLOGGING, KT!!!!!!!!!!!
Holly, right on...us gay boys hate 'em too...LOL.
Well you can still get a speedo fix with Men's Diving for the longer lean body and men's water polo for the beefier bod.
Yet another Speedo turns into a Spee-Don't.
In my younger days, I used to wear a speedo on Miami beach... Didn't think a thing about it.
I can't wear 'em anymore because "rescue teams" from the Seaquarium keep pushing me back in the water...
"Watch the blowhole!", they shout.
Embarrassing, that.
...and of course if this article were written by a man bemoaning the lack of sexy swimwear on women it would never have been published here for it would have been deemed to exude sexism.
Absolutely! Why this double standard exists is beyond me. If women want to drool over near naked men and make sexist commentary it is fine and no one should really object...j
Men like to drool, too. I'm in one of the four groups she cited, and I'm not a resident of the EU.
As long as you're not standing next to your wife or girlfriend when you check out that rack, nobody cares.
Hey, conservatoire, as far as I'm concerned men and women have the right to ogle eye candy and chat about it.
There are approximately 5 men on the planet that look good in a Speedo and they already know who they are. The rest of us have no business wearing one.
so who are the other 4?
I can't name that many olympic swimmers.
Where have you been looking? If you mean some fat slob with back hair, yes...
Many Aussies still wear briefs and speedos. Not always a good thing... but definitely more comfortable.
This seems to be changing. I read the Sydney Morning Herald and I see Speedos derisively referred to as "budgie smugglers.
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