Where Are All the Pretty Large Men on Pretty Little Liars?

02/20/2014 12:37 pm ET | Updated Apr 22, 2014
  • Karin Tanabe Simon & Schuster author of "The List" and "The Price of Inheritance" (August 2014)

Pretty Little Liars fans around the world can agree that this week's episode where Aria had a meltdown on a ski lift, clearly designed by the undead and Spencer, was speeded out and couldn't decide if she sleep walked or sleep drove to school (#highschoolproblems) was a winner. Aria's fake cry really made me believe that she's going to do her best to kick Ezra and his vast collection of black hoodies to the curb.

So while the terror factor in Rosewood is on the up and up, something is still missing -- crazy hot men. I mean, we've got plenty of crazy, but where did all the hot go? Lately on Twitter, all the PLL man talk is about Aria's little brother. Aria's little brother?! If Mike Montgomery is Rosewood's sizzling hottie then something is seriously wrong in that town where everyone is a model/student/MMA fighter/serial killer. Mike discovers grooming products, starts playing tonsil hockey with Mona and suddenly he's hot? No, no, no PLL family. It's time to bring back the real men of Rosewood.


The Cabin Creeper, Noel Kahn

Yes, his cabin is like a cross between a house of terrors, something from Deliverance and a Swiss Family Robinson chalet, but the perfection that is Noel Kahn can't help that. He just needs a place to binge drink and play games of truth. We love Noel for so many reasons -- his musical moments with Aria, the way he's sorry he's not sorry about blackmailing Ezra -- but mostly we just love how dangerous and hot he is. He's so evil sexy that we forgive him for that pesky pig cupcake incident with Hanna, and just focus in on how he's our number one choice for the Kissing Rock. Rumor has it Noel will be back for the season 4 finale. That rumor better be true or A needs to head to the casting office and give them an old fashioned Rosewood awakening.


The DILF that is Spencer's Dad

Oh hi Spencer's dad. Thanks for bringing the old man hot to Rosewood. Okay, you're not that old, but in a town where 30-year-olds play blind 18-year-olds, you are. Your lawyerly ways and ability to scare the soul out of your children and neighbors is beguiling. And you have an uncanny ability to look charming in both a well-tailored suit and a tennis outfit. How about we just drive on down to the country club, drink an old fashioned and see what happens. And if you could appear way more often on screen, that would be great too.


Jake, the Martial Arts Machine

How many MMA fighting machines can one small town have? Plenty! This is Rosewood after all, a place full of curling irons, ruthless killers and Jackie Chans in the making. There was Holden Strauss, the MMA fighter that Aria fake dated, and then there was Jake, the pot of martial arts gold that liked to appear shirtless and sweaty. What a great idea that was! And let's not forget his Prince Charming ways when he gave Aria custom cowboy boots for the hoedown and then showed off some darn good line dancing. So what if he didn't like Aria's art house films, the man could really jig in a Stetson.


The Body, Jason DiLaurentis

Oh, hey, it's a cold day in February and all I want is to watch Jason DiLaurentis play some shirtless basketball. When he wore those baggy shorts and casually tucked a towel in his waistband, while his pectoral muscles preformed a delicate dance of love, I forgave him for that whole N.A.T Club nonsense. The man counsel's at-risk youth now! What are a few pesky past digressions? Bring him and his chin dimple back to Rosewood.


The One, the Only, Caleb Rivers

ABC Family, thank you for realizing that Ravenswood just couldn't happen. Funeral chic was not winning over the 15 to 35-year-olds, and now it's time to put Caleb on that creepy bus and send him sans ghosts back to Rosewood. No one can bring the 90s hotness like Caleb. Faded flannels, grunge hair and Nirvana-style snow hats on hot days? Is he shopping out of Jordan Catalano's closet? Whatever, it's working for us. And for Hanna. She's been in a mega drought and it's time she stop breaking plates with her mother for emotional release and start experiencing the beauty that was Haleb.