THE BLOG
03/23/2012 12:45 pm ET | Updated May 12, 2012

Limbo, A Musical Interlude

Sitting here in limbo, but I know it won't be long.
Sitting here in limbo, like a bird without a song.

The soft Reggae tones of Jimmy Cliff weave through my thoughts, a lovely interlude in the otherwise angst-ridden landscape of my brain. I'm pierced with quills from the porcupine of anxiety -- she waddled by and zapped me, but good.

My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I, after almost two years of separation and estrangement, have still not come to a decision regarding a property settlement. We have a meeting scheduled for this week. We've signed and notarized two agreements; he's walked away from both, yet he's the one who wanted the divorce. This lack of closure keeps sucking me back, as I try to move forward. I don't know the financial terrain of my life, making it impossible to plan my future. Yet he was so desperate to leave me that he broke the news over the phone, when I was working at Pearl Harbor, and he'd all but moved out when I returned two weeks later. Could it be that he still wants power over me?

Tried my hand at love and friendship, but all that is passed and gone.
This little [girl] is moving on.

We have made the classic mistake of paying lawyers more than our property is worth. All that we have left to divide is:

• A small amount of equity in a home
• A leaky houseboat, with a non-working engine, shower and toilet (I currently live here, in a space that is 230 square feet)
• My Internet business and private practice (which nets about the same as his salary)
• His salary
• His photo business, including equipment and all images taken
• His pension
• His retirement

At stake for me is health insurance -- his job currently provides it for me; after our divorce, COBRA will kick in, and then I am looking at a minimum of $1000/month until I am 65. He doesn't think it's fair that he share his pension and retirement, which, last time I checked, were considered community property; I was intending to use that money to pay the health insurance premiums. Retirement is not likely for me. It's no wonder that I am a nervous wreck.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the tide to flow.
Sitting here in limbo knowing that I have to go.

He wants to keep his pension and retirement, and give me the house and the boat. Does he think I don't know how little they are worth? He actually owes me money for the house, and the boat is falling apart -- leaking and riddled with dry rot. The house is a money pit -- monthly costs exceed its rental value. Two nights ago, a fence blew down, necessitating a costly repair. If we sell it now we lose everything, so I'm hoping we can hold on until the market rebounds, if it does.

Sitting here in limbo, waiting for the dice to roll.
Sitting here in limbo, got some time to search my soul.

I live in fear of what I will lose when the settlement is finalized and I don't think I can afford to both keep my home and pay for health insurance. This makes me very sad, as I have struggled for years to pay the mortgage.

I'm afraid that he'll get half of my business, even though I had it for ten years before I married him. Then I would get one half of his photography business, including photographs he's taken over the past thirty years, which I could use, license, or destroy. I don't want that responsibility, power or revenge. Or do I? A big bonfire might be very satisfying, a payback of what I feel he's done to my life. But I don't want constant reminders of him in my new life. I really don't. Time to let go, move on.

I don't know where life will lead me, but I know where I've been.
I can't say what life will show me, but I know what I've seen.

I want to pull out those porcupine quills and instead forge a Tibetan sword of clarity to wield when we meet, cutting through the veils of ignorance, severing the knots of illusion. May I let go of greed, anxiety, fear for the future, anger at the present, the inability to see clearly, and find joy in what is.

More than anything, I want to be wise and focused, not a mess of nerves and fears.
Well they're putting up resistance but I know
that my faith will lead me on.

At least I hope and pray that it will.

Sitting here in limbo, but I know it won't be long.
Sitting here in limbo, like a bird without a song.
Well they're putting up resistance, but I know
that my faith will lead me on.

Sitting here in limbo, waiting for the dice to roll.
Sitting here in limbo, got some time to search my soul.
Well they're putting up resistance but I know
that my faith will lead me on.

I don't know where life will lead me, but I know where I've been.
I can't say what life will show me, but I know what I've seen.
Tried my hand at love and friendship, but all that is passed and gone.
This little boy is moving on.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the tide to flow.
Sitting here in limbo knowing that I have to go.
Well they're putting up resistance, but I know
that my faith will lead me on.

I can't say what life will show me, but I know what I've seen.
I can't say where life will lead me, but I know where I've been.
Tried my hand at love and friendship, but all that is passed and gone.
This little boy is moving on.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the tide to flow.
Sitting here in limbo knowing that I have to go.
Well they're putting up resistance, but I know
that my faith will lead me on.
Sitting in limbo...

Songwriters: Jimmy Cliff and Guillermo Bright-Plummer
© 1972 The Harder They Come - Island Records