5 Ways to Get Your Email Under Control And Change Your Relationships

When we get caught up in the need to respond and stay plugged in at all times, we are operating out of fear, which isn't helpful in any kind of communication -- business or personal. A few tips to shift your relationship with your inbox -- and the people you're emailing:
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smart phone with empty screen
smart phone with empty screen

Remember when email was new and it was so exciting to get one?

These days, most people find email to be more overwhelming than exciting.

There's a popular truism that says we teach people how to treat us, and I believe this is true, most of the time. If we carry this idea forward into how we communicate, it becomes much easier to use things like email and texting as tools to benefit our relationships, instead of feeling burdened or overwhelmed by trying to stay connected at all times.

If you find yourself feeling anxious about needing to respond to everyone right away, it's time to check in with yourself about over-giving.

Realistically, most kind, compassionate people love giving to others. But then, sometimes things shift from giving out of a generous heart to giving out of a need to be liked or to please others. In short, while balanced giving is motivated by love, over-giving is motivated by fear.

What does any of this have to do with email?

If we take a step back away from the convention email has become (giant time-sucking inbox full of ALL THE THINGS that need to be addressed), we can start to see if as another form of connection with each other. It can feel less anxiety-producing. We can take our time and respond rather than react. We can make mindful, loving choices that reduce the amount of stress in our days, and the days of those we are emailing. When we get caught up in the need to respond and stay plugged in at all times, we are operating out of fear, which isn't helpful in any kind of communication -- business or personal.

A few tips to shift your relationship with your inbox -- and the people you're emailing:

1. Choose two times a day to check and answer email.*

Whenever I suggest this time management strategy to clients, most initially say this is impossible. Too many important things come in during the day; there's no way to make this work. Here's the thing: when you keep yourself in fight or flight mode, reacting to every email as it comes in, you leave no room to mindfully respond in your interactions. Yes, there are days where we are waiting for an urgent message or have to deal with a few volleys of email back and forth. But often, checking in on email slows down our productivity. Dedicating 30 minutes to an hour as an early in the workday task, and another 30 minutes at the end of the workday allows for focused time on responding with care.

2. Unsubscribe from everything that isn't adding value to your life in some meaningful way regularly (i.e newsletters, sales flyers, etc.)

All of that stuff is generally available on the individual websites, so if it isn't something you regularly dig into, unsubscribe. Some people like to have a separate email account for this type of thing, which can work if you use it for website sign ups, but don't make it one more taks you need to check in on. If each email took up physical space in our homes or offices, we'd be much more likely to declutter. Even if it's only a few minutes here or there to go through and delete, that's time and mental space better spent on something you enjoy.

3. Limit your email responses to five sentences or less when possible. (i.e. all business emails).

Take a look through some recent emails and see how much of it could have been omitted. Sometimes emails require detailed explanations or information, but often, we end up padding them and re-stating things or using filler language that doesn't add anything useful. Respect the time of the people you are writing to, and conserve your own as well; be brief!

The exception here is personal communications that are taking the place of writing a physical letter. (But on that note, why not send an actual letter?)

4. Skip the "last word" follow-up email.

You know, the "thank you" back after an article goes up, the "You too" when someone thanks you/sends an email that would in any other way close out an interchange. This is like sending a thank you card for the thank you card someone sent you. Don't do it.

5. Consider whether email is the right venue for your message.

Do you need a quick response? Send a text, IM or make a phone call. Is it about a sensitive issue? Consider a face to face conversation instead. Are you angry, upset or feeling other intense emotions about the communication? Wait a bit before you send it. And know your recipient! Depending on the type of work they do and their personal communication style, email may not be the best way to touch in with this person.

So how will all of this email taming change your relationships?

Imagine what a difference it would make if your decisions and interactions with others came from a place of loving calm instead of fear and anxiety.

Sorting out how you deal with your email won't change all of that, but it's a good step in the right direction.

*While some of these aren't a fit for every type of work, it's worth experimenting with taking focused chunks of time to answer email in batches, rather than anxiously checking in all the time. If you try it, leave me a note in the comments.

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