Huffpost Entertainment
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Kate Clinton Headshot

Kiss My Asterisk

Posted: Updated:

How about we just put an asterisk next to any athlete who was not on
Performance Enhancement Drugs or HGH and set a record?

A first baseman ends the season at 120 pounds and three months later shows
up for spring training at 250 pounds, homicidal and bug-eyed with a fire
hydrant for a neck. A washed up 46 year old pitcher hobbles to the mound on
a walker one season and next season throws 124 mph fastballs. Wow, he must
have really worked hard in the off-season. Or gone to Lourdes.

The entire sports industrial complex conspired in baseball's version of
Don't Ask, Don't Tell. And I have enjoyed watching pouty, teary meltdowns of
sports commentators whose inner boychild is hurt, deeply hurt, by the
revelation that their heroes used drugs to enhance and prolong their
careers. I especially enjoy it when the commentators themselves have
obviously had eye jobs, botox injections, follicular implants to enhance and
prolong their careers under the unforgiving lens of HDTV.

While we're at it, let's put an asterisk next to George Bush's name,
because he really only ever wanted to be commissioner of baseball, not
president of the United States. Of course if he had been a baseball comish
dealing with drug use, he would have announced that for the good of the
sport he was invading curling.

No insult to Yogi Berra, but George has the same rhetorical flair. Of
course Yogi was the manager of the Yankees not head of the US of A. Who
said the following: "I didn't really say everything I said." "If they don't
want to come, you can't stop them." "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

Oh heck, let's put an asterisk next to every financial "manager" too, from
the financial yogis at Bear Sterns right down to my mortgage go-for-broker
at Countrywide. The first Bush presided over the Savings and Loan collapse.
This Bush is presiding near the ongoing collapse of the housing and banking
markets. Bush used the White House as an ATM for the rich. When the balloon
mortgage burst, the middle class could no longer use their houses as ATMs.
Who said: "We make too many wrong mistakes." George didn't. He doesn't.
When God speaks through you, you don't make mistakes.

And by the way, if Barry Bonds goes to jail, and Roger Clemens doesn't, I'm
trading my baseball cards for race cards.