This is to families everywhere:
I want to ask a favor of you. All of you.
Please stop deciding which girl in the family is the prettiest. Stop deciding when she's two, or four. Stop talking about her appearance when the family gets together. Stop trying to predict what she'll look like when she grows up. Stop comparing her to women who are famous for being sexy. Stop describing her features in detail. Stop complimenting the way she plays with her hair or walks or smiles. Stop asking her if she wants to be a model or a movie star when she grows up. There are a few more options. Even for very beautiful women.
Please stop pointing this girl out in photos where she's standing with her sisters or her cousins. "But look at that one! Gorgeous! Look at that smile!" There are other girls in the picture. You don't mean it that way, but you are suggesting that somehow, they are worth a little less. That somehow, their smiles are not as important.
I know women who grew up as "the pretty one." Sometimes they struggled to be perceived as smart. Sometimes they are still struggling. That's still a thing.
I know women who grew up as the sister or the cousin of the pretty one. They felt smaller. Like they didn't matter in the same way. Sometimes they still feel that way.
Families take pride in the beauty of their little girls. There's something instinctual and helpless about it. A basic, primal appreciation of the strength of our genes and the desirability of our line. I don't think there's something wrong with telling a little girl she's pretty -- with being proud of her for it. I don't think we can help it. But we should remind ourselves that there is more to the story. That she is more than just pretty. That her sister is listening.
The other day, I listened to a woman praise her niece's loveliness. The girl was seven. According to this woman, her niece would grow up to be a model or an actress, because she was going to be strikingly gorgeous. She was already halfway there. Look -- and here was a photo -- look at those long legs! Already! Look at those big eyes! That naturally pale blond hair. She could point to everything that defined this child's potential. She flipped to another photo. Here was the girl, standing with three other girls, all in party dresses. They were cousins. The woman gestured at the family beauty. "Look at how she wears that dress! She's flirting. Look at that smile!"
"They're all very pretty," I said.
She nodded, acknowledging my attempt at unnecessary political correctness, and went back to praising only one of them.
I didn't know what to do. I'm wimpy. I'm a writer. Which is why I'm writing this, as a response. Not just to this one woman, but to all of the people I've heard do the same thing. I know they aren't trying to be hurtful. The woman who showed me those pictures was proud of her niece. She was surprised by the sudden beauty that had emerged from her gene pool. She was impressed with her brother for producing such a child. She was happy. And I am really not trying to knock happiness. And familial love.
But I am also getting angry.
Because it keeps happening. Because I keep listening to adults describe the family beauty. An unsuspecting little girl who often doesn't even know that she's been chosen. Who isn't yet aware that her long legs are important for anything except walking and running and folding underneath her when she sits on the floor. I keep watching them pick one, and leave the other girls behind. I keep hearing the word "smart" tossed onto one of the other girls like an afterthought, so that she has something, too.
At first, I couldn't believe my ears. Do people still do this?
I promise, they do.
They do when they are educated and loving. They do when they are thoughtful and involved. They do when they are caring relatives and good parents. They do it all the time.
They will definitely do it this Thanksgiving, when families throughout the country gather to eat together, compare notes, and brag about the kids.
And it's time for this particular type of bragging to stop.
So families- seriously, for all the little girls who aren't "the pretty one" and all the little girls who are, can you try to stop?
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Families can be so toxic. It makes me tired just thinking about it.
I didn't end up being a model, a Playboy bunny or a doctor's wife. I ended up being a software engineer who lives alone and is constantly harassed by her male co-workers.
Hooray.
If a little girl is pretty, tell her so! If she's smart, let her know! If she's a great athlete, sing praises!
She will know when you're being honest. But throwing out "pretty" to everyone just to be PC is worthless; just as ignoring a person's special strengths can make him or her feel unloved.
I'm sure that each cousin in the picture had a special quality that could have been recognized and valued. Find goodness in everyone, and be honest about it!
Everything you said is correct. .My sister was the thin pretty one (but had a nasty demeanor - ended up being a bank teller) - my cousin was the outgoing communicator - she should be a tv commentator/news anchor/talk show host (she was loud/obnoxious..ended up as an office clerk for utility company) - I was the slightly plump, quite one in the background....it hurt me that these two were praised in front of me. I felt invisible. One day a lady heard my family talking about the pretty one & the communicating one. She saw how bad this made me feel...she spoke up in front of everyone - said, "oh...but watch the quite, shy one...don't let her fool you...she is very bright, will grow into/find her own beauty, she will be the one that fools all of you with her female power, her determination, her abilities to do anything she wants to do".
I didn't understand everything she said, but it made me feel better she said it. I ended up being the owner of three companies, making loads of money, making a difference in the lives of others...I often thought of this ladies kind words...they truly spurred me on in times of doubt....
Kate Fridkis - I hope your words reach "all those other girls" - lets them know...they have their own value, will make their own contributions...don't let others define you...
It made me bulimic for a while, because I was sure that if I gained even five pounds that no one earth would love me -- it was the worst kind of conditional love: we only see you and appreciate you because we think you're pretty. If you're not pretty, for any reason (sad or angry face, pimples, weight gain, sickness) then you've no value at all.
Because of this my mother, who was pretty, grew up with a dreadful self-image, and my aunt, who was highly intelligent, grew up believing herself to be beautiful but dim-witted. It is insane to focus on physical characteristics as being innately praiseworthy, and it does no favours to either the pretty one OR the clever one.
I was the smart one.