This will be my first Christmas with my new family. My husband and I have been married for a year, but up until now, we've always visited his family for Thanksgiving. This year, we're going to be with them for about a week surrounding Christmas, which also happens to be the week of Chanukah. So... Christnukah?
My husband, Bear, warned me that Christmas might be weird. "Someone might offend you by accident," he said.
The holiday season can be a little uncomfortable for me. People always wish me a merry Christmas, and then I'm not sure what to say back, since I don't celebrate it. Usually I just say, "Merry Christmas!" Sometimes I say, "Actually, I'm Jewish, but Merry Christmas!" Sometimes I sort of want to say, "Happy Chanukah!" but I never do, because that feels mean. Sometimes it's obvious that the other person isn't Christian either, and then we both kinda look at each other and then quickly walk away.
I don't like it, though, when people defend their right to wish me a Merry Christmas, even after they know I'm Jewish. They say, "Christmas is for everyone!" or "Come on, this is America, it's just a big commercial holiday that doesn't even have anything to do with religion." Christmas has everything to do with religion. It celebrates the birth of Jesus -- you guys remember him, right? Even if you're just sitting around under your evergreen tree, eating cookies and opening presents and not thinking about your soul at all, you're still celebrating a religious holiday. And I'm still not celebrating that holiday, because I have different holidays with different stories that have to do with a whole other religion.
So when Bear and I get a card that says "Merry Christmas!" I am not sure how to feel. The Merry Christmas counts for him. It lumps me in with him. It assumes that I am celebrating Christmas, too. I feel a little invisible.
"Merry Christmas, Kate!" says Bear, holding up another card that's just arrived. He starts singing, "O holy night..." He grins impishly at me. "There are SO many great Christmas songs. I think I'm gonna try to sing them all."
I roll my eyes. I laugh. I'm overanalyzing. I'm just sensitive.
Bear and I agree on most things. We see the world similarly. It makes living together easy. Sometimes I forget that I am Jewish and he is not. He isn't a Christian -- he doesn't consider himself religious or care very much about holidays. We celebrate Shabbat together on Friday nights by lighting candles, saying a blessing and sharing what we're feeling thankful for that week. Beyond that, religion doesn't really come up. I want our eventual kids to grow up Jewish, but I'm not even sure what that will mean or look like. We haven't spent too much time talking about it.
And now I am about to celebrate Christmas with his family, and it occurs to me that not talking about religion doesn't mean it isn't there. Christmas isn't just a blip. It isn't just another empty box on the calendar. It's meaningful for his family. Even if it doesn't necessarily feel like an expression of religious devotion to every one of his family members, it feels important and special. It's a time when everyone comes together, exchanges gifts, laughs and hugs. It's a time when old grievances might be awkwardly aired and old wounds might be healed or salted. In other words, it's family time, and there's a Christmas tree smack in the middle of it.
Mostly, I don't even think about being Jewish as a thing that makes me different from the majority of people. It doesn't come up a ton. I live in New York, for crying out loud. There are like four non-Jews in this part of the city, and they all have a Jewish best friend.
But occasionally I am the first Jew someone has ever met. This happened a lot when I went to Montana and Idaho on a family vacation when I was a teenager. It was pretty exciting. I felt special. I feel like I'm a good first Jew.
And occasionally, I remember that my Jewishness is a new thing for Bear's family. In a way, I'm their first Jew.
His mom is being really sweet about everything. She bought a hannukiah (that's what the Chanukah menorah is called) and some dreidels, and she asked me if maybe I'd teach the family some stuff about Chanukah. I'm no Chanukah expert (in my defense, Chanukah is actually a very minor Jewish holiday), but I'm looking forward to giving it a shot ("And then the badass Jewish warrior women guided their battle-ready space robots into formation -- making a gleaming wall of chromiliax, an impenetrable metal mined on the planet Gorfluck 5 -- and the ancient Syrian army fled in terror, crying, 'Jews are awesome and mighty! Especially Jewish girls!' No one was harmed. And that was the miracle of Chanukah...")
Talking on the phone with Bear's mother, I can hear how careful she's being. How hard she's trying to make me feel welcomed. And suddenly I think of the situation differently -- how will it feel for her, having me there? How will it feel for his whole family? How does it feel to have to be careful and uncertain about what's OK to say and what's offensive or inappropriate? How does it feel to try to make someone comfortable without making assumptions? Or to try to include someone who doesn't necessarily want to be included? How does it feel when your son brings his new Jewish wife home for Christmas?
And beyond that even, how does it feel for Bear, who will light Chanukah candles with me tonight? Who has quietly learned how to sound out Hebrew letters and can participate easily in the basic Shabbat liturgy.
Maybe this Christmas isn't about me being an outsider awkwardly trying to fit into someone else's tradition or awkwardly standing apart from it as it occurs around me. Maybe it's about all of us, trying to be a family. All of us, adjusting to each other.
When we visited Bear's very devout grandmother last year, she kept asking me if I was a Catholic. Half of his family is Catholic. I had to keep gently breaking the news to her. "No, I'm not Catholic. I'm actually Jewish."
"Oh!" she said, each time, startled, having to adjust to this information. "Jewish..." she sounded it out. She remembered that she'd known some good people who were Jews and told me about them.
"Well, we all believe in the same heaven!" she'd say, finally, delivering the verdict. "And we believe in the same God!"
I held her papery hand in both of mine and nodded. "Exactly! That's right."
We smiled at each other. We could make this work.
Of course, I didn't mention that I don't exactly believe in God. That's another thing.
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I also agree that its important to be kind to others. The story of Christmas is about God loving the diversity of mankind and giving them a Gift that we all don't deserve. It's got to break His heart when folks proudly proclaim that He doesn't exist. Its got to break HIs heart when His own Chosen despise that Gift known as Jesus.
In the end, its that act of love that we show God,( aceept Jesus as Savior) that really shows how "good" a person we claim to be. A person without God/Jesus in his/hers heart- no matter if they convince themselves or others that they are, is not as "good" of a person as s/he think they are.
Now if this essay is one" I'm a Jew hat confuses the meaning of Christmas with the meaning of Hanukah" let me help you out. Hanukah has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas just because it coincidently occurs during the Christmas season. Hanukah is an exclusive Jewish festival that doesn't include others to the party. Christmas, on the other hand, is all inclusive and is about the most important thing you possess...your soul. Its lesson for you should be, if you felt really bad about your divorce, think how bad you really will feel if God's divorces you because cultural "irreconcilable differences"? Lighting a Hanukah candle is nice but really has no meaning to what is at stake; opening one's heart to God's Gift is why Christmas is celebrated. If your divorce should have taught you anything, it should serve as a reminder that the major reason that people get divorced is because someone stopped loving and giving. Hanukah is not about that lesson; Christmas is about a God that has never stopped loving and giving.
The woman was discussing two issues:
1. Uncomfortable feelings concering meeting her new husbands family. I advised her to move on and don't bring up things from the past. I mentioned to do like Lot's wife and don't look back and keep looking forward in her new marriage. I mentioned that the major reason why marriage don't work is that God did not bring the two together.
2. The issue about Hanukah and Chrsitmas. I was saying that the two are not realted at all; one is exclusive( Hanukah) and the other in all inclusive (Christmas). The other point I was hpoing that she would understand is that her soul is the most important thing that she should protect; Christmas is about an act of love to ensure that one's soul is saved. Hanukah is not going to save your soul; in fact it jeopadizing your soul because it pushes one away from the truth about Jesus.
Got it?
1. Move one and committ yourself to your new marriage. This is issue #1.
2. Christmas is about souls; Hanukah is about saving the temple, oil for 8 days and the Temple was lost anyay. Hanukah is exclusive and Christmas is inclusive. Any exclusive festival or celebration should not be linked with Chrsitmas as it distorts it real meaning and important message.
My overall point: a soul is nothing to be playing with. It's so simple to accept Jesus.
Hope this is not censored since I did want to respond to you.
While I enjoyed your perspective and tone of voice throughout the entire post, I was especially moved by the realization that the discomfort is not one-sided. I must admit that I never thought of it this way.
May this be first of many warm family celebrations...ones filled with respect, kindness, and love.