Nothing drive me as crazy as those women who act like some horrible tragedy has befallen my children and me when they hear I am divorced ... yes, twice. I can never believe people like that still exist in this day and age, and I'm always shocked when I find that a few of them still do. It usually happens at a cocktail party or some other social function, and it's always the woman whose husband is the most boring man in the room, the guy with the creases ironed into his jeans, the one who reminds you of Rick Santorum.
It will happen after we've bragged about our kids long enough to move on to the second favorite cocktail party subject -- marriage. And that usually starts with her making some sort of "nudge nudge, isn't marriage hard" comment. When I say I'm not married, the look of dismay and pity that comes over her face makes me want to say, "Seriously, lady?! What decade are we living in here? I bet you're one of those freaks who still uses a word like broken home, aren't you?"
But instead we'll glance across the room in awkward silence and see her husband flirting shamelessly with one of the other single women, totally oblivious to how unattractive he looks in those jeans or to his wife scowling at him from across the room.
And I will leave the party ever more thankful that I have my life and not hers.
Sure, going through a divorce can be a trying experience, and for children, well, there are aspects of it that are truly painful. I wish I had known before I got married what I know now, so I could have saved my children from that. But divorce happens, and after the divorce dust has settled (and I should be clear that I am assuming a certain level of financial independence when I say this), unmarried living and parenting ... well that's a different matter.
In many ways, I've found single parenting to be much simpler and more enjoyable than raising children within marriage, even when it was good. And I think there have even been some benefits for my kids, too.
I often see married couples walking around with unashamed resentment for one another. Comments like "It's your turn to deal with bath time" or "I had to follow him around the restaurant without eating my dinner last time we went out" take the parents' focus away from the reality -- those mundane tasks might get tiring at times, but they all piece together to make up a large part of their son's or daughter's childhood. If those couples weren't so busy keeping score in their tit-for-tat battle over who is doing more of the parenting chores, they might actually want to be the one giving their child a bath.
Single parenting means no bickering over parenting decisions, no confusion when you say "no" to a whiny, tired child who wants a cookie before dinner, and no second conflict when the other parent lets her eat the cookie. Because the relationship with your child is number one, it creates a different type of bond between parent and child. Kids learn to be a little more responsible than they might otherwise have been, and children are often more comfortable interacting with adults, a result of more inclusion in social activities since single people seem to socialize in ways that include the children, rather than leaving them behind during a "date night" with a spouse. And, of course, there are no resentments about whose turn it is to feed a child or put him or her to bed. In my household, it's always my turn. While it might get exhausting at times, I embrace and savor that role, and my children benefit as a result.
Divorce is hard, but it's incorrect to assume it's a tragedy. In fact, for many families, it's the road to a better life for parent and child alike. Maybe the Cocktail Party Lady will be in a position to find that out for herself one day; the odds give her a good, solid chance that she will.
Kate Schermerhorn is the director of "After Happily Ever After," a documentary film about modern marriage. It is out now on DVD and On Demand, including Itunes, Vudu and Amazon Instant Video. Visit afterhappilyeverafter.net for more information and to receive a free list of ten secrets to marital bliss.
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What typically happens in the a divorcing mother's at-all-cost quest for "single motherhood" is horrible for the children ... and the divorcing father. But who cares about that?
Reality: It takes excellent parenting skills to be even an average single parent.
The personality-disordered, selfish and greedy divorcing mothers who you typically will find in divorce court very likely are not to have even average parenting skills.
Divorce -- including giving divorce lawyers the opportunity to deplete the divorcing household assets -- isn't going to make a below-average mother any better of a mother for the children.
A below-average parent who by divorce becomes a single parent is going to cause all sorts of hardship for the children.
But that doesn't matter. Divorce isn't about the children.
Divorce is about money and control. And personality-disordered/disgruntled and selfish/greedy wives are able to use divorce to visit varying degrees of destruction -- not just divorce -- on their husbands.
A divorcing wife doesn't have much to lose with a divorce filing -- especially if she doesn't care about the children that much.
She doesn't even have that much to care about if the divorce is made horrible. If her divorcing husband is a reasonable and sound person, he may not have the stomach for a horrible divorce.
Horrible divorce is to the "advantage" of the divorcing spouse/parent who does not care about the children.
Divorce, except where this is abuse, is never about the children. It's a money-making racket for lawyers, judges, etc.
Just sayin'...it's obvious you hate women, so maybe men would be a better option for you.
Misandric Garbage.
I would be willing to bet if we talked to your ex-husbands they would paint a MUCH different picture than the one you are trying to portray to the public. I would also bet thats its one that wouldnt be so flattering of your self importance.
Single parenting may have its blessings for some, but it also often results in too many demands on one person. No sounding board or distraction from another adult when there's a power struggle, trouble with limits, etc. For me, as a single mom, I also think the greater emotional intensity of the relationship I have with my son is less than ideal.
Your candor is much appreciated.
My ex-wife is a very emotionally demanding and emotionally intense person.
The children when with her at her home are emotionally bullied and emotionally manipulated by her.
My home is a more peaceful, calm, fun and laid-back place. I have a few rules -- we eat healthy meals at regular times, sleep and wake at regular times, if we make messes we clean them up, we get homework done, we get outside and exercise/do physical activity. The children love it here.
My ex-wife hates it that the children love it with me.
Instead of making her home situation better she disparages and mocks me as a person and parent to the children. She "guilts" them rather than parenting them.
It hurts the children.
It is a constant challenge.
One thing I have done more and more of is to lay aside my pride and my 'I can do this all by myself' attitude and ask for help. I have asked for help from pediatricians, therapists, clergy, neighbors, colleagues, teachers, coaches, family and friends for everything from driving and carpooling to grocery shopping, yard work, scheduling, babysitting, etc. And I have NOT done it from a victim's perspective. When given the chance, people love to help one another through hardship. And my sons have seen that it is OK and healthy and good to rely on people for help and support.
... because by years of alienating effort/disparagement you emotionally manipulated them into sharing your opinion that he was pond scum.
The children when with her at her home are emotionally bullied and emotionally manipulated by her.
My home is a more peaceful, calm, fun and laid-back place. I have a few rules -- we eat healthy meals at regular times, sleep and wake at regular times, if we make messes we clean them up, we get homework done, we get outside and exercise/do physical activity. The children love it here.
My ex-wife hates it that the children love it with me.
Instead of making her home situation better she disparages and mocks me as a person and parent to the children. She "guilts" them rather than parenting them.
It hurts the children.
It is a constant challenge."
...I didn't read anywhere that psicitizen called her ex "pond scum." I did, however, read plenty of badmouthing about your ex, 715W. What you must be putting your kids through with your hatred! Shame on you for demonizing every divorced woman for being "narcassistic and selfish" , when you, yourself, are divorced and making life miserable for you and your kids with your perpetual anger. Oh, I'm sure you're a saint in comparison to your ex. SURE! You seem hateful to me. I hope your kids can cope with constantly feeding your huge ego.
While divorce may have been beneficial for my parents, it certainly was not for me.