Almost thirty years ago I saw a movie directed produced and acted by Henry Jaglom called 'Always.' The movie was loosely based on his upcoming divorce from his wife Victoria. In the movie Henry told his soon to be ex wife that all he wanted was to go out with her to a five star restaurant, both dressed to the nine's, and while sitting at the table, Henry wanted to take a shit on top of the table, while Victoria sat calmly and watched him poo.
When I heard Henry express his wish to his wife, I understood him immediately. This is what I wanted more than anything else in the world.
I, like Henry, spoke metaphor as my first language so I knew what Henry was getting at. He wanted to be seen and loved and heard in his entirety. He chose an outrageous act to demonstrate his need for total acceptance.
This movie, and especially this scene, greatly impacted my life.
I would share Henry's story with potential partner's to see how they would respond. Most responded unfavorably. "Ick! Really? You want to poo on a table? I don't get it!"
After many years had passed without anyone really understanding me or this story, I gave up telling the story but never gave up wanting this wish to be fulfilled, until recently.
What changed?
I am an almost 100 percent experiential learner. In my last relationship my ex Lorraine was Henry, and she wanted me to be Victoria and allow her to do the poo in public thing. Interestingly when I brought up the movie and the scene to her when we first met, she followed the crowd of ick-sayers. It was only later in our relationship that it was clear to me that this was exactly what Lorraine wanted me to do for her.
Now of course what she wanted from me did not involve dressing up nor restaurants nor poo, but it did require me to allow her to act in a very inappropriate way. This is when I realized what a burden Henry had put on Victoria. Because in a relationship between two healthy partners, each person should be seen and heard and most importantly, respected. It's great that Henry was having his moment in the spotlight, but what about his wife? Was Victoria embarrassed, or worse, shamed by his behavior? Some people might not love being put in a performance art piece involving poo. Because I am not one of those people I failed to see, until Lorraine brought this to my attention, what a huge price you are asking the other person to pay. So moving forward, there will be no poo performances in my future.
Because sadly, I got only that one chance to be a child, and I didn't get that good enough mom.
So now I'm shit out of luck, because I must begin to mother myself to the best of my abilities. If I can do this, and I am devoting the rest of my life to this process, then I might actually have a ghost of a chance of having a mutually dependent relationship,based on love and respect and empathy.
