Use Your Phone to Fight Back Against Warrantless Wiretapping: Wasting the Time of the Boys (and Gals) at the NSA

Should we really be shocked at the latest revelations about how the National Security Agency is keeping tabs on the phone calls of innocent Americans? It seems like the NSA wiretapping/call-monitoring scandal has yet to unravel completely. With the Bush administration, any usurpation of our privacy tends to follow the pattern of the famous words from those Ginsu knives commercials: But wait, there's more!

I'm not a tinfoil-hat type, but what assurances do we really have that the Bush folks aren't listening in on the conversations of innocent folks like you and me? Just because they say they aren't? Um, well, they have also said that we shouldn't know what surveillance they are doing, so you tell me if you believe them.

Warning! President Bush wants you to know that reading any more of this piece may aid terrorists and put our country at risk of an attack! And, no, the fact that Bush has taken little action on the recommendations of the 9/11 Commission, the best example of bipartisan work this country has seen in decades, does not mean that Bush isn't doing all he can to keep us safe. Just look at the government's stellar work in Katrina. Oh, wait a minute...

Apparently, despite the warning from Bush, you are still reading this; so, you really do support terrorists.

Well, since it is highly unlikely that the NSA will stop spying on us, perhaps we can fight back by boring them or wasting their time as they tap our phones. Here are calls you can make to play with the folks at the NSA:

1. Phone your very ADD, very unmedicated brother, especially at a time when he is overtired and therefore will have an even harder time getting through a single thought in under five minutes. Ask him to explain to you again why he is vegan. (If you don't have a very ADD, very unmedicated, very vegan brother, please feel free to borrow mine).

2. Use your cell phone to have phone sex. Just as it is getting really hot, drive into a tunnel.

3. Call your two-year-old nephew and ask about his progress with the potty. Be sure to ask very specific questions, such as, "Did you make sure to wipe?"

4. Dial a lot of phone sex lines and a lot of churches, just to mess with the ability of the NSA's computer program to make sense of the data. Of course, the computer may simply assume you're Bill O'Reilly.

5. Get comfy on the couch and then call yourself on a different phone and use the time as taxpayer-supported therapy. Just like your real therapist, the NSA folks won't say a word.

6. Don't hang up when a telemarketer calls! Instead, zone out and do some busy work -- like balancing your checkbook or cutting your toenails -- as they try to sell you worthless crap.

7. Phone former FEMA director Mike Brown and ask him to talk about why he thinks he is so fabulous. Resist the urge to vomit; remember that you're listening to those hours of drivel for your country!

8. Contact one of the toll-free helplines for products that should be self-explanatory. Find out everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask about using tampons and/or garbage bags.

9. Get back at a truly evil ex-boyfriend or girlfriend by calling in the wee morning hours, pretending to be sloshed. Mention all the illegal stuff he/she has done (and make up stuff if need be). Take your cameraphone with you when you wait across from his/her house until the Feds make the arrest.

10. Call in to Larry King's show. See if anyone from the NSA answers when Larry asks, "Caller are you there?" and you keep quiet.

Happy dialing!