Body Politics: What McCain's Smirks, Tics And Jaw-Clenches Really Mean

How John McCain Can Help You Have A Better Relationship

Understanding the language your body speaks can help you attain much deeper intimacy in relationships. One of the big complaints we hear from partners in relationship therapy is, "I can't figure out what he/she's really feeling." A related complaint is, "I don't know how to figure out what I'm feeling." Knowing what you're feeling and what your partner is feeling is essential to a healthy relationship. When people can't, won't or don't know how to speak about their feelings openly, their bodies are left to communicate about those feelings in the form of blinks, twitches, clenches and other bits of Body-Talk. Electing a president is like signing up for a four-year marriage, a marriage in which about half of us will end up being married to someone we wouldn't even want to share a cab with. In this political season, it behooves us all to get better at Body-Talk, so we can understand what those blinks, smirks and clenches are really trying to tell us.

Body-Smart Or Body-Dumb

The morning after the first debate we saw something odd. Several pundits made mention of the remarkable display of twitches, smirks and jaw-clenches that flickered across the face of John McCain throughout the debate. Others mentioned his lack of eye contact, particularly his unwillingness to look Obama in the eye. We were pleased that the commentators observed those things -- many people overlook these important but subtle communications, in the spirit of "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." But here's the odd part: some of the pundits seemed to be apologizing for having noticed McCain's pyrotechnic display of facial flare-ups.

On MSNBC, Mika Brzezinski apologized for possibly sounding "superficial," then went on to discuss McCain tics and smirks. Why did she and others feel like they had to apologize for noticing something that all of us should be paying a great deal of attention to? It's probably because we're taught, as part of our social training, to overlook the language of the body. We are trained to think of it as superficial or not to notice it at all. That training makes us body-dumb instead of body-smart, and it costs us mightily in terms of health and love. If we don't know how to listen to and understand our body's organic language, we can't articulate our feelings in relationships and we can't understand the emotional underpinnings of many diseases.

Any good therapist learns to read the language of the body, but you don't need an advanced degree to understand John McCain's. His patterns are about as subtle as the flashing lights on a sign that says "Danger Ahead." Since we may end up married to him for four years, we need to pay particularly close attention to two patterns of his: smirking and jaw-clenching.

The McCain Smirk:
The Mouth Of Contempt
You probably noticed how often McCain smirked, particularly when he was being forced to listen to Obama speak. It's his expression of contempt. If he were speaking the truth behind his smirk, he'd be saying something like "I hold you in utter contempt. I am superior to you. My disdain for you is boundless." Any seasoned relationship coach knows a lot about contempt, because it's one of the most destructive patterns in relationships. One of our colleagues in the relationship counseling field, John Gottman, calls contempt one of the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, behaviors that signal doom for a relationship (along with criticism, defensiveness and sulking.) Beware of electing a president who wears the Mouth of Contempt. If McCain is elected president, we'll see a lot of it, because he particularly seems to wear it when someone he disagrees with is speaking.

The McCain Jaw-Clench:
The Painful Art Of Biting Back Anger
Out of politeness one is tempted to look away from McCain's jaws, because his left jaw has a permanent bulge from his bouts with cancer. We encourage you, though, to turn your attention to his right jaw; it's a symphony of clenches that played practically non-stop every time he was forced to listen to Obama in the first debate. Since McCain won't release all his medical records, we don't know the story behind the cancer in his left jaw. However, we know a great deal about what causes his right jaw to clench repeatedly. People clench their jaws when they're angry and can't, won't or don't know how to say it plainly. If his jaw-clench could speak, it would be saying: "I'm mad as hell and trying desperately not to show it." The anger shows in 3-D, though, thanks to the eloquence of Body-Talk. That's a good thing. We need to know when people are trying to conceal their feelings, in our relationships at home and in politics. We need to know what's going on behind the denials and delusions of Mouth-Talk.

Mouth-Talk Vs. Body-Talk
Body-Talk always tells you the truth about what's going on. If your mind thinks you're not scared, but you feel speedy-queasy butterfly sensations in your belly, believe your body. If your mate says he or she isn't mad, but you see him or her clenching those jaws repeatedly, believe the Body-Talk not the Mouth-Talk. Mouth-Talk is useful and often entertaining, but you've probably noticed that we humans can speak a lot of twisted stories, wild justifications and outright lies out of our mouths.

What will be very interesting in future debates is watching how John McCain tries to conceal the Body-Talk that was so obvious in the first debate. He's getting media-coaching around the clock, and will likely try to hide his contempt and anger from us next time. It probably won't work, because the twitches and clenches he'd be trying to hide are caused by trying to hide feelings in the first place. John McCain has been widely reported to have a volcanic temper. A ten-year-old, walking into the room and seeing him on television said, "That guy looks like he's about to blow." Frankly, we'd rather see him go ahead and blow his stack, rather than hide his anger and contempt under more and more layers of deception. We've seen enough of that already.

Follow Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks on Twitter: www.twitter.com/GayHendricks

Comments

[BoulderSue]

What's all the blinking about with John? The cliche is that it reveals a liar, and so does the extreme opposite: forcefully not blinking at all while looking you straight in the face. Is this a result of dry-eye syndrome, his numerous surgeries, or something else?

[ichooseme]

I hope I didn't miss someone's expert interpretation of McCain's shrug and the movements of his arms, eyes, etc. at the conclusion of debate immediately after Barack and Michelle introduced themselves and then turned to walk back to center of stage. Surely, I'm not the only one that was most uncomfortable by John McCain's dismissive body language display. I hope others noticed it as I did.

[RumiSouth]

THANK YOU! Before the debate was over, I knew it was a nonverbal disaster for McCain. But I have to say that I'm not sure that "our" training has as much to do with it as the press's training.

The depth of McCain's loss didn't become clear to the punditocracy at first because they have been trained to report facts and regurgitate statements. They treat presidential debates as though they had a kind of boxing scorecard, but this is a fallacy; there is no objective means of scoring. They they had to catch up with the public, who gave the win to Obama immediately whereas the pundits pronounced it a "tie."

[Katlen]

Wow, I'd love for him to blow his stack on primetime TV. What a gift for Obama!

Now, how about those winks, twinks, bounces and sparkly smiles we have to look at from Palin? Blecchh.

[BoulderSue]

Yeah! And that total lack of sensitivity when Joe talked about his experience as a single father! Blecchh doesn't come close to covering that one! It really made me sit up, reverse my player, just to make sure I had really seen what I saw!

[BillCarson]

Found this interesting:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. "A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy."

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html

[JHancock]

There wasn't any mention of it in her rehearsed notes so how can you expect her to deal with a gotcha like that?

[gerimd]

Notice the way she juts her chin forward after she delivers one jof her sarcastic "zingers." Just like a defiant child who knows she's overstepping her bounds.

[tazj]

McCain's evil laugh after Palin's debate, he looked more to me like he wanted to scream, I don't think he was laughing, he was covering up the fact that she blew it for him.

[Prufrock08]

Thanks to the authors for their insightful article. My perception of McCain's body language is that of a man trapped in his certitude so much that he perceives anyone who disagrees with him about anything as the enemy. As Leonard Cohen wrote in one of his songs, "starving in some deep mystery, like a man who is sure what is true." McCain cannot afford to allow his volcanic temper to erupt during the campaign, but his attempts to control it reveal through his body language a man who is completely out of control.

[Promise]

Great comment, Profrock!. I love the Leonard Cohen quote. It certainly applies to George W. Bush, too.

[ThanksMatt]

Can you please write an article about Sarah Palin's body language?

[jaslyn]

You don't need an expert to tell you what was so obviouse in mccain's stance and body language and facial expressions. At the debate, when Obama spoke, he looked like the school bully who felt completely vindicated in beating an innocent schoolmate to a bloody pulp, and was being reprimanded by the principle. He's emotionally very immature, explosive, and unable to see other viewpoints besides his own. This is the person the the Republicans want to sit with world leaders and negotiate??? That's not fun for a bully like mccain. He wants to show what a big man he is, always, and that's better done, in his eyes, by sending in the tanks, and bomb bomb bombing whoever doesn't agree with him.

[Smirk]

Palin also strikes me as emotionally immature. It's one of the things that worries me most about her becoming VPOTUS or POTUS.

[bodo]

I hate the stupid triumphant grin McCain puts on every time he delivers what he thinks is a zinger. Watch for that in Tuesday's debate. I guess it is supposed to say: "Wow, I really gave it to him this time, what?"

[I-Am-John-McCain]

I'm surprised that little attention has been focused on the grin, since McCain has been doing it for a while, and for me, it has always spoken quite loudly. Along with doing it after zingers, McCain cranks up the fake smile/grin when he's delivering untruthful statements. I perceive it as a gesture that reveals a patronizing attitude, like he's informing you that you agree with him and with the lie, the one-up-on-you zinger, or the overstatement that he's just uttered. He tries to pass it off it as part of his manufactured humbleness, but, to me, it has always read as a big F*** You..

[JHancock]

How do you tell when McCain or Palin is lying?

Their mouths move.

[gibsontx5]

Yes, and while he is smiling (well, looks more like grimacing really), he has on his "Angry Eyes."

All in all, he looks very uncomfortable. He knows he sold his soul to try to get elected.

[GeezerusMaximus]

yup! That grin does make my skin crawl. but so does his use of the phrase "my friends".

[TMelendez]

While I do not agree that we are trained to overlook body language, I do not think we are familiar with it. Unless you are an expert and have experience with it, pretty much it can be right down subjective based on the perceiver's filters. I have facilitated non verbal communication for many years, and it has taken me that long to trust what I see. I think most people perceive body language in a subliminal way, and the final meaning only comes thru after a little post analysis.

Now besides contempt and an overt condescending attitude, I believe that McCain looked very uncomfortable in his own skin. Some people have written that this is not the same straight-talk McCain. I have noticed this change in the last two years. So, how would you think you would act if you have to go on stage against a person and make sure you cover the political points you have been asked to hit, knowing most of these points are political tactics and not honest ideas? You too would look awkward. The same would happen if you had no ideas.

The other side of the coin we saw with Palin. You overcompensate with superficiality. One of the comments in here, reads about turning the TV off and watching without the sound. I agree! And based on that I would love to 'hear' about what people 'saw'.

[Jaxy]

I concur with the many opinions posted here. In the realm of diplomacy, especially internationally, we do not need a hot-headed, petulant, emotionally-stunted, caricature of 'Yosemite Sam' leading the way.

By leaps and bounds, Sen. Obama demonstrated himself as not only willing to reach across the political aisle, but he also exuded a sense of self-confidence and calm under reat pressure. In these uncertain and difficult times, we need a leader who is not intent upon placing his obnoxious hair-trigger tendencies on display, for all the world to see.

[Scarmouche]

Jaxy, your take is right on about both McCain and Obama. We also do not need a vice president who is the epitomy of a former beauty queen runnerup with all the superficiality that comes with it.

[jimme]

And what's up with the Capt Queeg thing he does with his pinky ring.
The man has issues.

[Tinsdale]

Excellent!

[patianneb]

Brilliant! Glad to see this article featured....it is extremely important.

[Halter]

PTSD?

[starboymikey]

PTSD?
____________________________________

Beyond a doubt that's part of it. Easy enough to understand, but the guy has probably never worked on any of this stuff with a therapist, so it's all unconscious. And that is a big part of what makes him so dangerous. George W. Bush has some of the same issues, even if the causes aren't exactly the same.

McCain has told us there will be more wars, and I think we really need to take him at his word on that. The big war is going on inside him, but beware of putting this man in a position where he can externalize that war mainly to release all that anger.

[yeep]

I noticed plenty of interesting body language in the VP debate, too. Of most interest was when Palin spoke of the good conversation she'd had with McCain about her role as VP ... all the while shaking her head back and forth in the "no" gesture -- the only time I saw her shake her head like that during the entire debate.

I also spotted that she used two different smiles. When she showed her bottom teeth, it seemed to be a genuine smile, talking about her family or joking about kids getting extra credit for watching the debate. When the smile was her top teeth only, and her voice shifted both pitch and tone, she seemed to be repeating a party line she didn't believe in, almost as if she was fighting the urge to apologize for what she was saying.