I'm Beginning To Wonder If This Has Something To Do With ME (Part 1)

It's the best one-liner I ever heard in a therapy session.

Before I tell you what it was, though, let me set some background. I saw my first therapy client in 1968, and over the past forty years have done thousands of sessions with hundreds of different people. In all that time I've heard people say just about everything about every subject you can imagine. Of all the profound, disturbing and humorous things people have said to me, a particular one-liner stands out.

A man about 35 years of age, whom I'll call Patrick, consulted me for what turned out to be a single session. First, he told me his goal for the session, which was to figure out why he couldn't have a successful relationship with a woman. He then told me a long and winding tale of numerous betrayals and abandonments by women. He told me he'd been dumped, abandoned and betrayed by more than a dozen women since his teen years. When he finished the story, he leaned forward and told me he had recently awakened to a new insight that he wanted my opinion on. He said, in a tone of utter innocence, "I'm beginning to wonder if all this has something to do with me!"

There are moments in life when the only possible response is jaw-dropping wonderment, and this was one of them. A pattern had recycled more than a dozen times over a fifteen-year period, and he was only now beginning to wonder if it was somehow connected to him! (I learned a valuable take-home lesson for myself that day. I quickly got in the habit of asking myself what patterns I might be recycling that I didn't realize had to do with me.)

Tune in next time see how he stopped the pattern and found himself a good relationship. In the meantime, what's your experience of these kinds of situations? I'd love to hear about some of the patterns you've suddenly become aware of.

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Comments

[okchamali]

This has been slowly dawning on me as well. I'm a professor who has been divorced 12 years, raised two children nearly single-handedly, and took care of my mother with no help from my brothers for the last nearly five years of her life.Altho­ugh I "took to my bed" for almost two months after my mother died last year, I'm back thanks to yoga, meditation, aa (six years), biking, therapy, hard work, and good friends. Recently, I've tried to date and it has been unsuccessful. The last guy, said that I'm pretty complicated. He stopped calling and I let it go. My daughter, 21, has stopped talking to me since she fell in love. No word for two months. I've not called thinking she just needs some space or something. I'm not in self-pity, but I am confused. My way of dealing with this confusion is to let it sit with hope that something, some insight will shake loose. Maybe it's my shelf life. I'm 53. Also, I get this vibe out of the air that men hate women like me...profe­ssionals, self-sufficient, independent. I guess that's my answer to the "it must be me" statement. It's who I am which means there's no hope. Not that I'm a mainstream academic type. I have a few friends from the university, but mostly I hang out with civilians. I know it's me. My guess is that it's related to openness with people.

[CharlieMarlowe]

"I get this vibe out of the air that men hate women like me...profe­ssionals, self-sufficient, independent. "

I always laugh when I read these rationalizations. If you claim the problem is with men, not you, then the problem is you. If your life is an on-going series of failed relationships, stop blaming others. If you are ready for the next step, encourage the people in your life, including those with whom friendships failed, to give you an honest assessment of why they did not want to be with you.

[WonderfulLife]

Sorry, Charlie...­but you need to walk a mile in our shoes. I'm the same age as Okchamali and have had similar experiences. I wouldn't call it "hate" ...but more like being intimidated by a self-sufficient woman.
I purchased a fixer-upper house right out of college, not knowing the expense of remodeling. So I basically had to learn how to do the work myself. It was never my intent to make this a feminist statement. But you would be amazed at the amount of grief I have gotten from men about this over the years. Sadly, not much has changed to this very day. I was once told "You're an attractive woman-why don't you get some guy to do the work for you?".
I just think that our generation grew up seeing very specific gender roles. Then the world changed around us....but not everybody changed so easily. Many men still find themselves feeling emasculated if the woman they are dating doesn't need him to pay for anything, fix anything or rescue them. But women my age just want to be themselves and don't have the energy or desire to assume a helpless role of being helpless when we're not.
I envy the younger generation who could care less about the old gender roles.They focus on companionship and intimacy and when the toilet breaks-they're more concerned with getting it fixed rather than worrying about who's job it is to fix it.

[laurenmodery]

Thanks for leaving me hanging! ;)

[AbsolutDemocrat]

It's interesting to read this article at this point in my life. Relationships I've been trying to cultivate don't work out most of the time, and instead of blaming the other person, I'm recognizing what I do every time that may not make things work out. It may be hard for someone to become self-aware or swallow their pride and accept blame, but the best part is that patterns can be changed and results can improve. I'd hate to be someone 10, 20, 30 years out and still repeating the same bad habits because I'm too proud to admit the problem might be MY behavior.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

You are THE MASTERS of all things relationship. I am so deeply grateful that you are sharing your incredible tools.

PS Conscious Loving, is one I use as a study guide for coaching clients. This week I have 'prescribed' it for three clients...­and it's Tuesday.

Thank you again!
Eli

[Zorigt]

Oh yes yes, also I just realized that it was definitely me but I don't want to give up everything in me to be innocent. Hmm... so any help on this issue?

[fleaba]

This is right on. I always need a reminder.
BTW, my mom studied with you guys, back in the day, in Colorado Springs at Univ. of Colorado. Most recently she has been coordinating an elder's group in Golden.

[Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks much! Please send my good wishes to your mom.

[acitizenspeaks]

A very helpful article that makes it clear to me that it is definitely you :)

[HotCold]

Oh yeah, but sometimes the problem really & definitely is them.

[SonofLiberty1]

Some months ago MSNBC.com ran a story about a woman who was sick and tired of the dating scene...no­thing was working.

She go this interesting idea....

Why don't I just date a heck of a lot of guys...but­...without anything physical..­.including no kissing!

She had a lot of dates, fewer second dates..and­...she did finally find someone that she really connected with.

I mean, isn't that what everyone always says?

That you should be looking for people who you have a commonality with?

Sometimes that's really difficult and so I believe many of us just get tired and we end up with someone who really isn't the right one.

As I look at my life in retrospect as one who is still single at 52 I realize that I can look at friends and family and see what has happened in their lives and even though I'm lonely at times...I never made those mistakes.

And I have to wonder...

Why is it that we talk about Sex Education but never a word about "Relationship Education"?

Maybe we should start to do that because, after all, sex is more than just "plumbing"

[Roseberry]

I think women are schooled to believe they are worthless unless they have a man on their arm and a big ol' ring on their finger. What a crock of baloney. Since we believe it, though, we just latch onto the first one that comes along. I have friends who did that, and now they sure regret it.
I am still single and just a month shy of 50 years old, and if I have to stay this way, I will until I die...I will not compromise just to fit in with others' expectations. (But boy am I still hoping, that someday, somehow, I'll meet him!)

[vorpalmusic]

Compromise is an important part of any good relationship. It sounds like you might have unrealistic standards of other people.

[HST]

If the same thing happens to you again and again -it's you.

[CharlieMarlowe]

I just assme that its me.

[cktirumalai]

Realizing that the problem is You, not They, is arrival in the country one may call Maturity.
Getting an idea of how others view us (and different people will view us differently), separating out what is just in these views from what is not, being able to live with the second without fretting, and acting on anything in the first which makes us better people, can be a lifelong challenge. Some who dismiss all criticism as unjust are either perfect already or are, much more probably, miserable a good deal of the time.