Relationship Politics: Body Language Of The McCain Marriage

[Editor's Note: "Body Politics" by Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks is part of an ongoing series. Previous posts include: "The Source Of McCain's Odd Body Language, And The Gift It Brings", "Sarah Palin's Body Language And Why It Should Worry You", "What McCain's Smirks, Tics, and Jaw-Clenches Really Mean", and "The Obama Relationship: A Major Benefit Nobody's Talking About."]

A Cautionary Tale For Conscious Couples, A Learning Opportunity For Us All

Ever since we wrote our piece on the Obama marriage, people have been asking us to discuss the marriage of John and Cindy McCain. We found ourselves hesitating, because while their marriage has elements that could teach valuable lessons to us all, it is also a marriage between a recovering drug addict and a deeply traumatized veteran. Such a relationship is difficult to comment on. Even the most straightforward, non-judgmental comment could be perceived by some people as critical of two sub-groups considered off-limits from close observation. Doing some background research changed our mind, however, because Mrs. McCain has discussed her drug addiction in considerable detail out in public. In addition, John McCain claims to have no emotional residue from his time as a prisoner of war, and he also claims to have been unaware of his wife's drug addiction. We don't know whether these claims are an epic act of denial or just another whopper lie from a politician. Either way, they wave a red flag at all of us who hope to enjoy conscious loving in our relationships at home and authentic communication from our political leaders.

Click here to view a slideshow of The McCains' PDA Moments.

The Hug Moment: Body-Talk Of A Devitalized Relationship
After the last presidential debate we had many requests to give our interpretation of the awkward "hug moment" at the end. From a body language perspective, the moment revealed a great deal about the McCain marriage. If you have time, go back and look frame-by-frame at the end of the debate, when the presidential candidates hugged their spouses. Here is a sequence of still shots that capture to a degree some of the points we want to discuss.
Take note of the perfunctory hug, stiffness and lack of contact between the McCains, and compare those bits of body-talk with the way Michelle and Barack Obama greeted each other with smiles and a long hug. They were still hugging when John McCain tried awkwardly to connect with Mrs. Obama. The McCain hug looked as stiff as a puppet show, while the Obama hug looked as natural and graceful as a ballet.

A Heroic Lack Of Awareness
John McCain has managed to keep his mental health records concealed, so it's not possible to know whether he is telling the truth about having no mental or emotional scars from his time behind bars. As always, though, his body-talk tells the real story. The array of body language we've commented on in other posts is a sad tale of poorly concealed anger and deeply hidden fear.

John McCain claims not to have known of his wife's drug addiction, even at a time when she was supporting her habit by stealing drugs from a charity organization. If that's true--if he actually didn't know about his wife's addiction--he demonstrates a lack of awareness that is panoramic. How do you fail to notice that your partner is stoned for months at a time? In John McCain's case, there's a simple answer and a more complex one. The simple answer is that he is a fellow-addict, known for his deep affection for the gambling table, as well as ties to the gambling industry. His addiction is the adrenalin-charged game of craps, a passion that is rumored to have cost him money and rifts in his marriage (Cindy being the one with the deep pockets who always had to bail him out.) When two addicts are married, they make an unconscious contract between them: If you agree not to confront me on my addiction, I'll agree not to confront you on yours.

There's a deeper answer, though, to the question of how partners gradually become oblivious to the painfully obvious. It speaks to something every conscious couple needs to know. A few years ago a car passed us with a bumper sticker that had an intriguing question written on it, "What are you pretending not to know?" It's a question that all of us should ask of ourselves on a regular basis. It takes a heroic act of unconsciousness not to notice so profound a thing as drug addiction in one's partner. In our work with couples in devitalized marriages, however, we've found that we humans are highly skilled at sealing out awareness of deep unhappiness from within ourselves. Because we get so skilled at blocking the flow of awareness inside ourselves, we also get good at averting our eyes from the obvious signs of distress in our partners. Eventually, if we continue to look away from our own inner distress and the outer signs of distress in our partners, we gradually dam the flow of intimate contact with our partners as well as ourselves. Without the lifeblood hum of genuine intimacy, the relationship becomes a devitalized shell characterized by perfunctory hugs and chilly smiles in public, and much worse behind closed doors. Any experienced relationship therapist is familiar with the devitalized marriage; we've probably worked with more than 500 such relationships over the past 30 years. In order to be successful in re-vitalizing these relationships, it's essential to help them straighten out a terrible misunderstanding about what love is.

The misunderstanding is caused by a false belief about love. It's the twisted notion that loving someone means that you'll lie for him or her. This destructive idea is so widely held that it's considered a virtue by some. Here's a memorable quote from a relationship coaching session we did some years ago:

"Honey, don't you get it? I didn't tell you about my affair because I was trying to protect you! If I lied, it was because I love you and didn't want you to feel bad."

(Note for the record: the mate's anger was not soothed at hearing that her husband's lies about the affair were, in his view, an altruistic act. Her view was that his lying was a cowardly act to protect himself from getting caught.)

That's one version of the issue; another is when one partner gets the other to lie on his or her behalf. Every day, for example, many partners of alcoholics call their partners' bosses to spin a lie that covers the addict. "Jane has a cold and can't come in today," says Jane's partner to the boss. The truth is that Jane is too hung over to come in, but many bosses are less sympathetic to this excuse.

There are three major factors that determine the health of any relationship: Authenticity, responsibility and appreciation. The following discoveries apply to relationships at home, at work, and in the world at large:

•A relationship thrives only when people speak honestly to each other about the significant matters in the relationship.

•A relationship thrives only when people take responsibility, instead of blaming each other, for the issues that arise in the relationship.

•A relationship thrives only when people express abundant appreciation for each other.
The McCains earned the chilly distance in their relationship by a long history of ignoring these three simple rules of relationship. We as Americans must not ignore the impact of these rules on how we interact with our politicians. We think it's time to demand that our politicians observe the rules of healthy relationships.

For example, wouldn't it be great to hear politicians take responsibility, rather than blame their opponents, for problems? We'd love to hear John McCain say to us all, "My friends, I take responsibility for my part in the economic mess we're in. After all, I was one of the Keating Five! I helped Charles Keating pull off one of the biggest financial scams of all time. That scam cost the U.S. taxpayers billions, a heck of a lot more than all those airplanes I crashed. I urge my fellow Republicans to re-direct all the energy they spending in blaming Democrats to taking full responsibility for fixing this mess. I pledge to stop blaming and start focusing on positive solutions."

Wouldn't it have been great if Bill Clinton had handled the Lewinsky affair differently? When first questioned, he could just as easily have said, "Yes, I did indeed have sex with 'that woman'. I've been scared to tell my wife about it, because I don't want to face her anger and disappointment. I appreciate your bringing this issue up, because now it forces me to deal with it."

Wouldn't it have been better for the health of the country if Nixon had handled Watergate differently? We could have all learned something useful if he'd said, "Yes, some guys who work for me burglarized the DNC offices. It was without doubt the dumbest thing I've ever been part of in my life, and that, my friends, is saying something. I'm glad we got caught, because I'm using this situation to look into myself deeply. What I see there is a sleazy streak inside me that I've never wanted to confront before now. Since you elected me, you may want to look inside yourself and see if you have one of those sleazy streaks in you. If we all do that, maybe we can learn something from my act of stupidity."

We've seen real magic happen when those three rules of relationship are applied, both in our own lives and the lives of people with whom we've worked. We feel strongly that it's time to apply them to the world of politics. We launched a petition on that subject this year, a drive for authenticity in politics that thousands of people have signed.
(More detail on the initiative here: http://www.hendricks.com/conscious_initiative/)

If enough of us demand authenticity, responsibility and appreciation from our political leaders, maybe they'll stop clogging the airwaves and our national consciousness with lies and blame. The McCain campaign is the first one in our lifetimes to be based entirely on blame and fear. If enough of us mobilize, perhaps it will be the last.

Related Links:

What The Candidates' Faces Reveal

The Obamas' Greatest PDA Moments (SLIDESHOW)

The Obama Anniversary Album (SLIDESHOW)

Campaign Trail PDA: The McCain/Palin Edition (SLIDESHOW)

Unlikely PDA: The Obama-Clinton Edition (SLIDESHOW)

Comments

[pjburns11]

body language? How about the real language? the C bomb?

aaanyway,

This year for Halloween, I want to be really scary.

I am going to dress up as either Sarah Palin, Michele Bachman, Joe the Plumber or The Wolfman.

Happy Halloween!

Quoth the Maverick...

http://thetruthburns.wordpress.com/2008/10/28/quoth-the-maverick/

[RoriRaye]

Brilliant article. Authenticity and honesty is so frightening, we build our whole lives around avoiding it. We spin a cocoon around our inner selves, trying to distance ourselves from the parts of ourselves we find icky and ugly and 'bad" - and breaking through into any kind of authenticity feels like a major upheaval. The drag on our energy, the stiffness it creates in our bodies, the things we make ourselves do to keep the cocoon tight and opaque - if we could liberate it, small bit by small bit - would save us all. What if we could practice honesty and authenticity in small ways throughout our days and our lives so that we became used to what it feels like?

Thanks for the great post (I post about relationships for women at http://blog.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com) - would look forward to your thoughts...

[aofh]

Another fascinating post. But I quibble with your re-imagining of Bill Clinton for two reasons. First, the Lewinsky outing was clearly a ploy designed to embarrass Clinton and the perpetrators didn't give a fig who got hurt in the process. Secondly, as someone pointed out at the time, there seems to have been genuine feeling between them. If the latter is true, then not only does Clinton have to acknowledge HRC, he also has to acknowledge Lewinsky. That might be a lot more honesty than a lot of people can stand.

[aaronsanders]

People need to know, this is a woman he had an affair with while he was marrying to his other wife. The same wife he left when she got into a car accident and lost several inches from her height.

http://www.votesmarter2008.com

[AriUp]

The Bully in Fiji - My Holiday with McCain By ANASUYA DUBEY

Just before John McCain's 2000 presidential nomination run in that I vacationed in Fiji with John McCain and family.

He waxed on during one meal about how Indo-Chinese women had the best figures. He also made comments to Amy, a 25 year old that she should eat less. McCain's appreciation of Asian women was so great that David the American economist had to move his Thai wife away as McCain kept flirting with & touching her.

I decided he must have some redeeming qualities to adopt a handicapped child from Bangladesh . I asked him about this and he said: "Oh, that was Cindy's idea - I didn't have anything to do with it. She just went and adopted this thing without even asking me. You can't imagine how people stare when I wheel this ugly, black thing around in a shopping cart in Arizona . No, it wasn't my idea at all."

In a political discussion of the active US bombing of Iraq at that time, he said "if I was in charge, I would nuke Iraq to teach them a lesson". I commented on the tragic attacks on Japan during WWII - but he said that if it was up to him he would have dropped many more nuclear bombs on Japan . His experience being tortured as a POW had made him more aggressive, and vengeful towards the world.

[NorthThink]

Just be aware the text of this comment is related to or verbatim of an email that was widely circulated, who knows the source. I didn't see the original email at all but I did read this AP article "Rumors of sex, socialism and paternity running rampant as Election Day nears" (this email is spoken of towards the end of the article):
http://m.mercurynews.com/articles/182311851
Don't get me wrong, I am suspicious of McCain's true nature, however, I am not impressed with smears, rumors, and misinformation.

[Lalita]

I was a little worried about that too. However, seeing the parade of children from the Obamas to the Palins, the absence of the McCain's Bangladeshi adopted daughter at political events (unlike their little blond nugget who is always with them on stage) has been a little cringeworthy.

[9thdistrict]

You didn't quite say enough about the story of John McCain's first wife. I wish more women voters knew this story of what he did to her: http://www.tilt-o-rama.com

[CaptD]

Good insight

One thing you did not mention was who are the "bullies" in these Political relationships...

That would make a great "update" to this article!

[Shake-A-Spear]

Bill and Hillary always seem to fake affection pretty skillfully in public and on the platform judging by the standards in your analysis of the McCains.
Do you think McCain has the hots for Sarah as you analyze their interaction? Or is McCain to old and cold to have any hots left?
Oh yes ... and Obama does a pretty good affection act after Hillary's orations in his behalf. In fact it often seems so genuine that I begin to think he's gotten to adore HIllary in his cool Obama way.

[BannedInBoston]

Just a great article. I'm getting the Hendricks' books because of it. Relationship counseling (in my extensive experience with it) is a total crapshoot, and I have seldom read anything by RCs that I felt was really of much value. But it sounds to me like the Hendrickses definitely have the concept.

[bud14]

They definitely do "have the concept." They're both amazing, as is their relationship. Great idea to get the books, and go meet them in person if you can. I'd highly recommend it!

[Whycee54]

I appreciate this article. Body Language means a lot in evaluating people and what is going on inside of their head. However we could have figured this out with out a degree. McCain is a womanizer. He always was and always will be. Read his biography and look how he acts and treats women. Just look at how he and his campaign has used Sarah Palin. Why women in America do not see this is beyond me. Also, Cindy is like a middle aged Barbie Doll who will go to the end for her man and she enables his womanizing attitudes. She is oppressed and she doesn't even know it. This country has a long way to go in its treatment of women. Look how they treated Hillary and Palin.
Too much psychological drama in the GOP these days. The country is in such bad shape, why make it worse.

OBAMA/BIDEN 08

[Golfer1]

I initially was a die hard Hillary Clinton supporter.I wanted her to lead and have Barack Obama as VP. I being a democratic male no choice but to vote for Obama/Biden ticket. I though do not like Obama or Biden. Something in me is urging me that I should vote for McCain/Palin. I just love Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin. Someone mentioned he "McCain" was too stiff when hugging his wife. You do realize he was hacked with a machete during his POW days? he cannot raise his arms because of his injuries.
BTW:
No, I am not like the other person that may be swayed to go for the republican ticket because "Obama & Biden" is too close to Osama Bin Laden ...that would be stupid reason or that he is black. I just feel something is just not right.I am going with my heart and this democrat is voting for McCain/Palin

[laire]

Golfer 1,

I always find it fascinating that people will always self identify as a democrat then say the will vote for McCain because they don't like this guy(Obama). Why where you a democrat in the first place? McCain's policies are the same policies that the republican party has put fourth for the last 20 odd years. With the addition of Gov Palin who clearly is not ready to be VP which means she is not ready to be President your conclusions just don't make any sense. Not to mention you said you where a die hard Clinton supporter it seems even more odd sense Obama and Clinton's policies are very similar. I don't want to call you names but your decision making ability seems off to say the least because you are probably voting against your own interest. Most people who are democrats base their decisions on policies not on personalities so I hope you really give your decison more thought before you vote!

[WolfLarsen]

Democrat? Really? You love Palin? McCain hacked by machete? Really? Better read his memoir again. Die hard Hillary voter?

And if my aunt had a_penis she would be my uncle.

Who you kidding.....troll......

[toppergem]

you identify yourself as a Democrat...well a true Democrat could not vote for this Republican ticket that is so far to the right of anything Hillary Clinton stands for. Vote for Palin and McCain but don't claim it has anything to do with being a Democrat.

[neurologymatters]

Golfer1, The most important thing is you are voting. Have you considered writing in Clinton/Obama?

[Grace0727]

How can you be a Hillary Suppoter and vote for the people who are farthest from Hillary's plan for America. Why were you such a die hard supporter of Hillary? was it her clothes or hair ..because obviously you were not paying attention to her. If you were then you would know that a vote for Obama is wiser. A vote for mcsain and palin is not . Focus on the issues and stop focusing on the superficial non-substantive things about this election.

[likeicare]

grace --

golfer1 is not a Dem -- he/she is a fascist troll.

Ignore them. Besides, Obama will win with or without the Clintonista Dead-Enders.

Obama Tsunami in November!

[lafrance]

Golfer is voting for Cindy and Palin not John McCain. He went from Hillary to Cindy and Sarah.
Sounds like he just has a thing for the women and is not serious about chosing a leader for the country. just women to adore from afar.

[J-Sun9]

Golfer1, the fact is: You can't give a reason for voting McCain.

"I do not like Obama or Biden" - why?

"Something in me is urging me that I should vote McCain/Palin" - what is urging you?

"I just feel something is just not right" - what is just not right?

You have no principle to detail, no ideal to suggest, no policy to endorse? No, you just have this... feeling.

Maybe you'd better look into your feelings and discover the reason for your decision. People who do things without knowing why land themselves in trouble, which was exactly the point about being 'conscious' in one's relationships that was made in this post.

Don't you owe to yourself to vote for a reason?

[Fernando]

I don't have a clinical eye for this things and this is obvious to me; those two haven't been close for years. I'd add that while I liked Cindy McCain until she went all Palin on Obama weeks ago, her choice of wear during the GOP convention spoke tons. Yes, she is rich and as such she absolutly deserves to spend her money as she wishes, I defend her for that. My only beef is, how can you address people who are losing their jobs, homes and who lost their health care years ago, by wearing NIGHTLY different dresses that cost each the yearly salary of several families? This is just being woefully unaware of the people you want to represent.

Man, she wants that address. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like she is going to get it.

[Golfer1]

Fernando, I understand where you are coming from. If Cindy McCain can shell out the bucks for an expensive dress,let her. It's not the tax payers are paying for it. She is an heiress of some company and is a millionaire many times over. For her age she looks HOT ...

[cassandrascurse]

"She is an heiress of some company and is a millionaire many times over."

____________________________________________________________

Or, as John McCain would have it, a "small business owner".

[nutmegger]

Golfer. I think I know what your "feeling" is regarding McCain/Palin and it has nothing whatsoever to do with his policies. This comment: "For her age she looks HOT" - added to your earlier comment about being draw towards Palin and Cindy McCain (spells out quite clearly what motivates a very tiny - in more ways than one?) segment of the voting population who are being led by their 'other' head - and not the one with sh*t-for-brains.

I'm sorry to be so coarse about it, but as a woman I can't tell you how insulting it is that the McCain/Palin supporters are at least marginally interested only as far as their libido is concerned - and that, to me, is a sad way to "feel" stronger towards one candidate over the other.

[NER]

Even more sadly, it's more likely that Cindy McCain doesn't even want to live in the White House. She lives in Arizona by choice. But I think she wants to do whatever she needs to in order to help her husband pursure his ambition, and unfortunately, she's substituted that for her own core identity. The McCains' relationship bargain, as this article suggests, seems empty and ultimately unhealthy.

[smoovejef]

I have, as a part of my job, taken crisis management courses that indicate that 55% of communication is non-verbal. That always comes back to me when I see two people that have a relationship, whether it is familial, romantic, business, etc. The non-verbals of the McCains speaks loudly; they couldn't hide it if they tried.
Neither could the Obamas, but with them, you see the brighter side of intimacy. Not only can you see their love for each other, but respect, empathy, support and understanding. We haven't seen a partnership between spouses in the Oval Office like that since I can't remember when. Laura Bush truly loves George, but I don't know if she is his 'rock'. there has to be equality in a relationship for that, and Michelle and Barack show that without even trying to. It's actually kind of cute to watch them hug, as he is careful not to give in to the unconscious act of patting her behind. Loads of passion there.
I feel kind of sorry for Cindy McCain; she deserved someone who would have stood beside her and encouraged her to face her addiction. Instead, she got John. If she's broken and he's broken, they can't be whole.

[chf2go]

It's quite telling in that John McCain didn't know about Cindy's addiction and that Cindy thought it was okay to adopt a child without telling or discussing with John first and she also took pilot lessons without discussing with him. If they are so out of tune with each other, imagine how many things others in his administration could get away with.

[aofh]

You don't have to look at his relationship to see how out of tune his administration would be,. Look at his campaign.

[northtownboy]

And Christians want them in the White House Fantastic.

[ginmemphis6]

I don't know all the Christians in the U.S., but of the many I do know, probably 90% are Obama supporters.