As a career and executive coach dedicated to the advancement of women, it's not often these days that I'm surprised by women's behavior. I know women -- especially those in midlife -- quite well, or so I thought. But I've been rocked recently by a finding that's emerging from my research on Women Succeeding Abundantly. This study explores the stories of working women across the country, ages 25 to 75 who are experiencing abundant success on their own terms as they define it, and are thriving and living joyfully.
As the study progresses, I'm learning that women are much more comfortable discussing things that are not going well in their lives than they are sharing stories of their successes. They are simply very reluctant to come forward and admit, "Hey, I'm really successful, and I'm proud of that!"
A friend of mine recently told me that when Shirley MacLaine won her Oscar in 1984 for her role in "Terms of Endearment," she was certainly grateful in her acceptance speech, but also declared, "Thanks, I deserve this!"
She told the audience:
I don't believe there are such things as accidents. I think that we all manifest what we want and what we need. I don't think there's a difference really between what you feel you have to do in your heart, and success -- they're inseparable ... Films and life are like clay waiting for us to mold it, and when you trust your own insides and that becomes achievement, it's a kind of principle it seems to me is at work with everyone ... God bless that potential that we all have for making anything possible if we think we deserve it. I deserve this. Thank you!
There was a strong backlash about her declaration -- how dare she say she deserves to win?
Wow ... I guess we had better not even whisper that we've earned our great success and that it's well-deserved. Today it remains unacceptable for women to do so. And this is not something we've "made up" in our minds. Unfortunately, national research shows that success and likability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women. In other words -- women who are successful aren't liked as well as successful men.
When I was researching my first book "Breakdown, Breakthrough" about the top professional challenges women face today, women by the hundreds eagerly shared their stories of crisis and turmoil. It was healing for them to come clean about how things weren't working, and talk about how they overcame or handled their crisis. And I was grateful that they did. I know from direct experience that telling our painful stories can heal our lives. Turning our mess into a message is a powerfully cathartic experience.
But what about talking about our successes? Can't this be strengthening and empowering as well? Can't we access important dimensions of ourselves and offer inspiration to others in the telling of our success stories, just in the same way as telling our tales of woe?
I'm thinking -- but I'd love your help here -- that women's reluctance to talk about their success is rooted in a number of contributing factors, including that women:
1) Don't recognize or "feel it" when they are successful
2) Don't want to sound as if they're bragging
3) Have as a top priority their sense of connection and relationship to others, and don't want to alienate anyone who isn't feeling successful
4) Don't want others to envy them
5) Don't want to jinx their success by speaking openly of it
6) Don't want to sound like they are "more deserving" than anyone else
7) Aren't sure they really measure up to some outside standard of "abundant success" ("Wait a minute, am I really that successful?")
The women who have come forward to tell their stories of great success in my research study are courageous indeed. Their stories have been anything but conventional or empty bragging -- they've been about vulnerability, surprise, risk, heartbreak, resourcefulness, ingenuity and being a "finisher" -- going the distance, walking straight through their deepest challenges and fears.
Help me get to the bottom of this and share your thoughts and experiences. Are you reluctant to talk about your successes? If so, what holds you back most? What are you concerned will happen if you openly share and discuss your achievements?
I hope that in 2012 and beyond, women can begin to speak more openly about what they've accomplished, and not shy away from tooting their horns in a positive, compelling way. In the words of Shirley MacLaine, we deserve it.
Follow Kathy Caprino on Twitter: www.twitter.com/kathycaprino
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson
Thank You,
ANM
I hope to God that women step up. I pray that I will be able to see this in my lifetime, and maybe I'll be one of the women that sets a new bar, opens new standards. I need to see women who've lived longer than I have, who've done more with their lives, who've failed their way to success, start talking, sharing, writing. WE NEED MENTORS, WOMEN MENTORS. If you are too scared to talk about what you've succeeded in, think about all the women like me who are starving for successful women mentors and examples. Maybe that will give you the confidence to step out, regardless of your fears, and inspire the world to be greater. I will leave you with this quote:
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John Quincy Adams once said, “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader". If women continue this path of feeling like they could offend others by sharing their success, what kind of example are they setting?
I found this quote just searching on yahoo answers: "Great leaders, or great people, for that matter, have an inherent ability in which their actions, their thoughts & their whole being rushes out so forcefully, so that it nurtures and shakes the core of potential in everyone around him, as to cause dramatic growth in the neighboring individual.
So great is the person, that his greatness cannot be contained within a single vessel, and must leak out to seek other hosts to empower.
If you've ever been fortunate to meet one of these individuals, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. You can physically feel yourself uplifted to a higher stage of self-actualization by being with them." http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090826155311AADVWCP
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I am quite happy to speak about my own successes and my friends and family affirm my success.
Thanks for listing those reason ... you are reflecting a lot of truth there.
Could it be that, instead of us women striving to be more like men, the men should be more like women? (i.e. less bragging, more consideration). If the successful men in our society started putting equality and human relationships higher up on their list of priorities, I can imagine a much fairer and peaceful world.
I do of course believe that women should have the confidence and power to express pride in their achievements. I just wanted to consider a flip side of this argument, and suggest that we need not compare ourselves to "male" standards, only to find ourselves lacking.
Ghada
I'm learning, a little bit at a time, to stop hiding my accomplishment out of fear of how others will perceive me. I can't control how they feel, and if they perceive me as being boastful, etc, that's on them.
At GeekGirl dinner at Genentch, the speaker was coaching us re: importance of 'tooting your own horn'. She proceeded to give the antidote of her twins (one male, one female), the boy had a sports game and was on about what an amazing player he was etc (he was the absolute worst), her daughter had a sports game and was worried about her performance (he was one of the best). The take away? Tooting is going to take practice.
So here goes! I won a mobile hackathon. I was 1 of 30 who had 1 minute to pitch to a roomful of hackers and designers. 5 ideas were chosen to work on all weekend. Pitched again Sunday night and received unanimous win. Yay!
Hm, was that uncomfortable? Yep. Why? My first thought was 'and'? Interesting, in addition to it feeling unnatural to share, I am judging my success as not enough. Wow, pretty a-typial response for a woman, lol!
‎"Life is always either a tightrope or a feather bed. Give me the tightrope."
~Edith Wharton
Thank you for your post, fantastic growth grist.
Women have to acknowledge and recognize their value to themselves first. After that, they have to find a way of communicating that value in a way that doesn't diminish or threaten the other people in the room and yet doesn't feel like "playing the game" or selling out. I think the reasons you gave for women not speaking up are spot on, and in many corporate cultures, smart to consider.
I work with a lot of women in their 40's and 50's where our objective is to build on success .. create a life with more of the good stuff. A key piece of every call is celebration of successes since we last talked. Often it is the single most difficult part of our coaching. Having said that ... it is something you can learn to do and it makes life sweeter.
And you hit on what is most likely a BIG difference between men and women.
As a group, my experience is that men will talk about their successes
- Some are bragging jerks (you know the ones I am talking about)
- And many others will tell you something they are proud of followed by "can you believe it ... amazing?"
However, as a group, we are much more likely to blurt our successes spontaneously. And tooting your own horn is a piece of the competitive landscape in many situations.
I think that acknowledging your successes and being acknowledged by others is an important part of life ... something not to be missed under the heading of "accomplishment".
I will be excited to see what turns out to be the top three blocks in your research ... so we can figure out a way around them,
Dike
Dike Drummond MD
http:/www.threehourmidlifecrisis.com
Maybe it'd be nice if men who're successful in whatever field would stop big-noting themselves ... ;)