06/28/2005 03:05 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

On Relationships

OK ... a word or so on relationships. Since I counsel people on how to get into them and then how to navigate them, I tend to hear the same questions come up over and again, so I thought this might be a good place to address them. There seems to be a theme, a common thread which sews together the struggle to get it right. "How do I find the right guy? Is she the one for me? Is it possible to rekindle the passion we once had? Or do I even want to?" And finally, "Is this all there is?"

These are the questions that keep so many of us up at night. Keep us restless and aching for some kind of assurance. And no matter how great or dismal things may seem at any given moment, no matter how much we talk about it or grapple with our stories, there are still no definitive answers set in stone. Sorry.

So maybe, given that there are no pat answers, we are supposed to struggle. Maybe the friction that struggle provides is actually the doorway into our expansion (of wisdom, of compassion, of consciousness). Actually I think that is what relationship issues are all about: they grab our attention and force us to look deeply into our inner workings. They usher us into the deeper realms of our personal spirituality and thus we begin to wake up.

Our distresses and shortcomings perhaps draw us in to the intelligent design of bettering ourselves and thus bettering the world. Because we want so badly that dream of Soul Mate, we are willing to confront our demons, dismantle our negative patterns, and rework our ways of relating. We can stretch ourselves beyond the predictable by our desire to have the Promised Love.

So, my advice for anyone tossing and turning with any of the aforementioned questions: Rest assured that you are exactly where you need to be right now. There is something important at work within you and if you continue to stay present to the emotions and thoughts that arise, you will be led through the frustration or confusion. You will become ever more magnetic to love as you become more willing and adept at just being with what is. Be in your skin without trying to be anywhere else. Have your feelings: rage, despair, rejoice... allow whatever wants to come up and let it guide you into your more authentic self. And as you do, the anxiety will drop. The desperation will melt away. And you will come to know Love in sometimes the most astounding and sometimes the most subtle of ways.

More on how to do that later.