A Peaceful Revolution: After Halloween Mothers Remain Scared

For Halloween last week MomsRising.org asked its members, "What's really scary for American moms?" Aside from scary costumes, increased dental bills, and dark corners on moonless Halloween nights, we wanted to hear about the real deal -- about the scares that last even after the costumes are discarded and teeth brushed. What's REALLY scary in the real world.

You probably have your own answer to this question in your head right now, ranging from poisonous infants cough syrup and inaccessible health care, to economic insecurity and rapidly dwindling personal time. Today, American mothers face mounting work and family challenges with little or no support, unfair non-options (stay home with a sick child or loose their job), and the overwhelming sense that they are alone in meeting the demands of parenting today. A full three-quarters of American mothers are in the workforce, but our societal support structures have yet to catch up to this modern reality and families are paying a price.

One has only to spend a few minutes reading the personal stories our members submitted to our blog last week to understand the overwhelming crush that American mothers feel today -- and to understand why the MomsRising mission is drawing so many people together (Did you know a full quarter of American families with kids under six are living in poverty? Now that's scarier than any haunted house).

As one MomsRising member said: "The stress on me and my child has been very intense, even though I've worked very hard to shield her from reality, it's clear to her we struggle more than most. And she's already aware that I willingly make sacrifices for her and do so with love and joy. But I would *never* [decide to become a mom] again, ever."

When you read the blog posts -- or even some of the posts we've included here -- you'll quickly become keenly aware of the situation facing mothers and families in our nation today. These stories reflect the unrealistic demands and expectations that women and families encounter even with careful planning and preparation from the moment children are born. They point to the question: When did America decide that mothers and children are unimportant? Why are we behind virtually every other nation in the world in providing support for families? What happened? The stories remind us that the economic realities for mothers today shape our children's future. The stories tell us that we, as citizens of this nation, must together envision a better future for our children and families... that we MUST work toward solutions to our shared struggles.

Here're a few sample stories for you to read:

"I'm seven months pregnant with my second child, due in January. For the last several weeks (months really) I've had a hard time really enjoying this pregnancy for the worry created over financing my maternity leave and daycare. My husband and I both make about the same amount of money and while I have good health insurance that covers the entire family, neither of us can quit our job because each of our incomes contribute too much to the bills every month. We don't make six figures, but we do better together than a lot of families in our area. However, with 2 children in daycare, our daycare expenses will be $800 a month. My company does not have a separate maternity leave policy and my husband doesn't get any paternity leave. He will have to take vacation time to get to spend a week with the baby when (s)he is born. Because of the no maternity leave policy, I'm taking short-term disability and using half my FMLA time. During my maternity leave, I will make half my usual pay, and we're already stretched pretty thin just keeping up our mortgage, car payment, utilities, insurance, and groceries."

"As a completely middle-class parent trying to maintain a secure and happy home for my 2 children, even assuming the baby will be healthy, we're struggling."

I stood by my country twice in the Air Force, once on Active Duty and in the Reserves. Both times I was questioned about my ability to both do my duties and breastfeed my child. I actually got kicked out of my work building with my child when I tried to breastfeed in my building. Another instance my supervisor asked me if it was REALLY NECESSARY to pump my breastmilk. Two of my supervisors actually pulled me into an office and asked me to explain to them why it was important for me to take just 45 mins out of my day to do what was best for my child. If doing the most simple things that we were meant to do as human beings such as nourish our children is such a burden to the American people then I don't know what could be scarier."

"With the U.S. being one of only four countries with such poor maternity/paternity leave policies, I am bitter. How could such a country, considered a leader of the free world, be so neglectful of the families that make up her population? It's time to take care of the foundation of this country, and that's the children born into it, and the parents of those children responsible for raising them to become responsible, voting American citizens."

"I'm a single mom in TX, with a nine-year-old son with health problems. I've been at my job for a little more than two years. When I was hired, my boss knew I had a son with health issues, and knew that I don't have a support system here to help out with child care. Over the summer, my son (in a very short amount of time) got a virus that made him projectile vomit (and therefore he couldn't go to daycare); then he sprained his ankle (meaning on field trip days at daycare he couldn't go, so he had to come to work with me); then he came down with strep throat, meaning (once again) I had to stay home with him. My boss came up to me after the latest episode and basically told me to choose my job or my kid. I was told if I miss any more work (although I had only missed a few days), I could lose my job. When I pointed out that sick days were included in my benefits, he replied that those sick days were for me, not my kid!"

"I work for a very small (less than 10 employees) company. I am not protected under FMLA. Twice already since August, my son has had to stay home by himself when he was too sick to go to school. Luckily, I work two blocks away, and come home for lunch. I can be home in less than three minutes if he needs me. But what kind of world says it's okay to make moms with no support systems and no other caregivers choose between buying food and taking care of a sick child? My son has never met his father, so there's no help there. My mom is dead, and my father is elderly and has health problems of his own which make him more of a danger to my son than a help. What are we to do as parents?"

"When my son was in daycare, I couldn't afford it even though it was the cheapest one, so I kept paying less on my utility bills and juggling which ones I paid until that year was over and he could start kindergarden, whew I left that year on payment plans with the utility companies until they finally got paid off."

"In 1995 I was widowed at the age of 38. I had four children still at home, and had been a mostly at-home-mom, working part-time at various jobs, and trying to make up the difference in income by growing our own food and making our clothes."

"Paying for health insurance was a nightmare. Trying to help my children get through college was a nightmare."

"I left the career track for which I am qualified but without enough experience to go along with my age, I am apparently unable to get back into it. I also appear to be either too old or too "qualified" for most mid-level positions. Even though I feel wiser and more stable, it is difficult to make "mommy" look good on a resumé. This inability to find employment has contributed to the failure of my marriage. Now I am faced with the need to support myself and my children and no real prospects for getting anything more than a part time hourly job with no benefits. How's that for a scary story?"

"After school is great in my suburban Chicago area until 5th grade. There is no afterschool for 6,7,8 graders in my school district. What am I going to do with my daughter after school next year when she is in 6th grade? This is scary!!!! Middle school kids are falling, falling through the cracks. In high school, sports, clubs, longer school days, jobs and age allow for easier afterschool accommodations. But I am sure moms are dealing with issues similar at this age level too."

"Every day, I read about pesticides in food, lead poison in toys, and dangerous plastics in my son's sippy cup. When will children's safey become a priority?"

"The state of health insurance in this country is despicable. The state of single parenting is horrendous. I am educated and have job skills, yet I still have not been able to afford health insurance because I chose to put my child's needs ahead of a big career. It sucks. I work every day, all day. Jumping from earning a living to being a mom back and forth all day. I feel like I am an invisible person...the bottom of the food chain. My oldest child now needs to have her wisdom teeth pulled. I am in a quandary, I can put the costs of procedure on credit and will be paying it off for the next 2-3 years or I can go to county general and have to spend hours waiting and lose valuable time when I could be working. All of us deserve to have our health care needs taken care of without having to grovel and beg. It is a basic right."

"We lament over future generations being ready for a "global marketplace," yet education is our bottom priority. What scares me most of all is that, as deeply and powerfully as I love my son, I know the rest of the world does not."

Many of these stories have their roots in the key issue platform MomsRising supports: M- Maternity and Paternity Leave (Paid Family Leave); O- Open Flexible Workplaces; T- Technology we Choose & After-School Care; H - Healthcare for All Children; E - Excellent Childcare; R - Realistic and Fair Wages; S - Sick Days for All.

You've heard the old adage that "Behind every good man there is a good woman" ? Well, mothers....let's get behind each other instead of trying to change the world through backside of the men....let's stand side by side one another and open our mouths and tell life like it really is for us. Let us stop letting others talk for us, vote for us, tell us what we like, want and need to do the most Important Job on the face of the Earth."

Read more stories. Tell your own. And, before judging the decisions that mothers make and the lives that loving people construct for themselves, take a moment to imagine a country that honors and supports the joys and burdens of family life. Ask yourself, what kind of country do I want to live in? And then, use our democratic system to make that vision a reality.

"Let us never forget that government is ourselves and not an alien power over us. The ultimate rulers of our democracy are not a president and senators and congressmen and government officials, but the voters of this country."--Franklin D. Roosevelt

These stories are the seeds of a peaceful revolution. We hope you'll join us.

A Peaceful Revolution is a weekly blog about work/life satisfaction done in collaboration with MomsRising.org. Read a blog by a leading thinker in the field every Tuesday.

Comments

[karen4U]

I think this "column" is a wonderful addition to this site. Huge thanks to those writing about these essential, maddening, inspiring and often heart breaking issues. If moms and children aren't top priority then people aren't top priority because at some point we are all either moms or children.

[Pandu]

"Ask yourself, what kind of country do I want to live in?"

I want to live in the kind of country where a husband can earn enough money to support his wife and children. What civilized man wants his wife to have to spend her days in the rat race, with strangers raising their kids?

More women in the paid workforce means more struggle for traditional families. It's simple economics, and I've yet to hear any argument to the contrary.

[Via]

"Let us never forget that government is ourselves and not an alien power over us. The ultimate rulers of our democracy are not a president and senators and congressmen and government officials, but the voters of this country."--Franklin D. Roosevelt

I wish I had not become so cynical over the past few years, but I no longer believe that to be true. We have abdicated our responsibilities as citizens and have therefore become subjects.

[mandycat]

Americans can't decide whether having children is a valuable contribution to our nation's future or a personal indulgence, something along the lines of buying an expensive sports car.

So we shift back and forth depending on circumstances. If you're a well-off couple and choose not to have children, you're slackers and a traitors. If you already have children and find yourself without health insurance or family leave, expecting help is the equivalent of asking the taxpayer to chip in for repairs on your Corvette.

[motr]

I worked at an answering service in AZ years ago. (AZ is a "right to work" state...or was back then)
One of the operators neared the end of her pregnancy. She and her husband (both working long hours) had no health insurance, because neither of their jobs offered it.
The owner of the answering service told her that if she missed a day of work, she would lose her job. My co-worker gave birth at home (her husband delivered the baby) and she was back at work the NEXT DAY! Less than 24 hours after giving birth on her living room floor!
Sad truth was, she could not afford to lose her job.