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How to Date a Corporation: Dating Rules for a Post-Citizens United World

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The Supreme Court recently determined that corporations are entitled to freedom of speech because they are legally persons. The ramifications of this decision, Citizens United v. Federal Elections Commission, cannot be overstated:  it introduces an entirely new and untapped population into the dating pool.

Chances are you've never dated a corporation before. But don't be intimidated. This can be a fun and exciting opportunity...  as long as you follow the corporation-dating rules.

  1. Consider your options. There are a lot of corporations out there. Is this really the best corporation out there? Is this corporation "the one?" Or should you keep looking?

  2. Don't seem too eager to get involved. Remember, corporations are predatory by nature and enjoy a chase.
  3. Do a background check. What kind of relationships has this corporation had in the past? What is the corporation's history
  4. Investigate the company the corporation keeps. Who is on its board of directors? Have any been indicted?
  5. Check out the corporation's assets and figures. How do they look? Are they appealing to you?
  6. Say that you're fiscally conservative but socially liberal. Corporations find this very sexy.
  7. Make sure you wait before you give up any of your assets. Corporations lose interest when you give it up right away.
  8. Don't over invest. Nothing hurts more than giving without getting.
  9. Resist the "urge to merge." Mergers often look appealing but they tend to be messy and almost always hurt party.
  10. Assume the worst. Corporations have a one track mind and they can't wait to get their hands on your goods.
  11. And last but not least...Protect yourself. Corporations can be very reckless and you never really know how many people this corporation has screwed.