08/14/2008 12:59 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

McCain: 5 Reasons You Should Curb Your Enthusiasm for Curb Your Enthusiasm

When Entertainment Weekly conducted a Woodward and Bernstein-like investigation of "all the presidential candidates'" pop culture favorites, I was shocked-and-awed to learn you are a Curb Your Enthusiasm fan.

Although I disagree with your policies, I must admit I share your taste in television, which, as they say, makes strange bedfellows. So, as a fellow fan, I beg you to "curb your enthusiasm" for the show. Since your endorsement, I've been unable to think of Curb without imagining this frightening image: You are in one of your nine houses in full relaxation mode, you've kicked off your $520 Ferregamo calf skin loafers and you're curled up on the couch with Cindy (whom you just arm wrestled for the remote), snuggling under a polar-bear-fur blanket while a taxidermied bald eagle keeps vigil on the mantle with caribou heads and framed ABBA albums on the walls and you're surrounded by good friends like John Hagee, Rod Parsley and Ralph Reed --your adopted child nowhere in sight (as usual)-- everyone laughing away. I'm scared that this image will haunt me forever and prevent me from enjoying the next season, which I've been looking forward to with much excitement.

I understand that the awkward, white-haired curmudgeon who is always saying the wrong thing as his significantly younger blond wife smiles and suffers is a character with whom you can identify. But I think once you consider the aspects of the show you might have missed, or tried to repress, you'll want to retract your endorsement for the sake of your campaign, your maverick-like integrity, and your country.

1) Larry David is a straight covert operative working for the homosexual agenda. Some of his best friends are gay! When he was in The Producers, he caught some gay cooties from the gay choreographer. In another episode, Larry tried to bring a born-again straight woman "back in the lesbian bosom," making her call off her sanctified marriage. The man is literally a self-avowed "friend o' lesbians."

You're less of an FOL, and more of an EOG (enemy of the gays). You want to keep children safe in orphanages where they can't be adopted recruited by gay parental predators.

2) Larry David hates Bush. His Bush-hatred is stronger than his libido! He is about to score with Cady Huffman when the framed photo of Bush she keeps on her dresser causes Larry to lose his...interest. You may have thought that a Bush photo has an anti-Viagra effect on Larry the character, not Larry the man. But sadly, for you, the real Larry David isn't too much of a fan either. He was employing something called sarcasm (it's a very Jew thing) when he wrote:

I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. I can't tell you how many people thought I had signed up just to avoid going to Vietnam. Nothing could be further from the truth...But I also knew that our country was being torn asunder by opposition to the rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. If only. Once a month, for an entire weekend--I'm talking eight hours Saturday and Sunday--we would meet in a dank, cold airplane hangar. Once, they took us into the woods and dropped us off with nothing but compasses and our wits. One wrong move and I could've wound up on Queens Boulevard. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to find my way out of there and back to the hangar. Some of my buddies did not fare as well and had to call their parents to come and get them.

You heart Bush.

3) Larry David reads and contributes to the communist press. Larry implores his doctor to replace the crappy magazines he keeps in the waiting room with good magazines like The Nation. The real Larry David appears in Nation ads (as one of the many people who doesn't own it--another indication of the communistic mentality he shares with journal). And--I hope you're sitting down--the real Larry David writes for the Huffington Post.

YOU are not a fan of Arianna Huffington, or as you like to call her, "the source." (Oh snap.)

4) Larry David is a Prius-driving anti-creationist. He even said, "Candidates who do not believe in evolution are not my cup of tea."

YOU are a Harley Davidson-sniffing intelligent designer. You love the "sound of freedom" that emanates from Harleys' revving their engines. You know we need to "drill more, drill now." And intelligent design is Kool Aid of choice!

5) Larry David endorses Obama. Larry is not, however, unsympathetic to undecided voters: "Let's was against the war in Iraq from the beginning, and one wants to keep the troops there for another hundred years. I can see your dilemma."

YOU think Obama is a wounded-troops-snubbing, middle-class-taxing, blond-haired-celebrity, possibly socialist, prophet of the Jews.

The good news is you have tons of other shows to choose from. You told Entertainment Weekly that your wife's favorite show is Big Love. Considering your personal (marital) history, this drama about a modern-day polygamist, is a perfect choice.