06/27/2008 04:17 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Week in News: Al-Qaeda Hearts C-SPAN

1. Karl Rove wants to bone Michelle Obama
He recently described Barack as "the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by." Looks like someone wants Michelle to be his baby mama. It's OK, Karl. This is where the healing starts.

2. If the caribou could speak, they would say "Build Us a Pipeline!"
Although the liberal media wants you to believe otherwise, the real champions for animal rights are the Republicans, not the Democrats. Look at pipeline-hugger Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., and her animal-centric advocacy for oil drilling in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Reserve: "Some suggestions are that perhaps we would see an enhancement of wildlife expansion because of the warmth of the pipeline..." Bachman argues that the drilling is already providing the social and caffeine dependent caribou with a meeting place, or, as she explains,"coffee klatch."

3. If we talk about torture, we let the C-SPAN-watching terrorists win
Vice President Dick Cheney's top adviser David Addington rightly refuses to answer Congress's questions on his involvement in torture memos. He explains to pushy terrorist-enabler Bill Delahunt (D-MA) "you kind of communicate with al Qaeda. If you do--I can't talk to you, al-Qaeda may watch C-SPAN." Anyone who knows anything about Islamofascism and/or cable service knows that al-Qaeda hearts C-SPAN, which is one of the few channels you can actually get in Afghani caves.

4. McCain chief strategist praying for terrorist attack on the U.S.
McCain strategist Charlie Black says of another terrorist attack on U.S., "certainly it would be a big advantage to him." Let's keep our fingers crossed!

5. Scratch that, McCain chief strategist was suffering from a good old fashioned case of delirium-inducing blueballs.
Turns out Black is "a good guy." He was just thinking with his other head, and was distracted by the "tremendous reporter cleavage," according to former McCain strategist Mike Murphy.

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