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Life Lessons Learned From (Not) Watching The Bachelor

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We better get the confessional out of the way: I've actually never watched a single episode of The Bachelor. I know -- I'm not sure how I've avoided it either. But considering that I've lived with my fair share of female roommates, it's inevitable that I've overhead a few tidbits or caught glimpses of some random scenes.

Even if I haven't devoted a noteworthy portion of my life to the soul-enriching experience of drooling over Ben or Brad or Bob or Byron (is there a trend here?), I still feel like I've learned some important things from The Bachelor. (And no, the list doesn't include "important people's names all start with the letter B," though I'm willing to explore the possibility later.)

1. Dress up. Always.

From what I've gathered, the show largely takes place in a mansion, and the bachelors always seem to be wearing suits. It might not be true, but I swear there always seems to be a suit jacket involved. Admittedly, it makes me curious about where they are finding these fellas -- I'm pretty sure most of the guys I associate with do not casually wear suit jackets while hanging out by swimming pools. Then again, they don't hang out at mansions either. (Am I the only one suddenly questioning everything about my social circle?)

2. Heed the hair.

I did a quick Google search to check out all of the former bachelors from the show, hoping to find some visual trend with which to unite these eager hopefuls. Turns out most of them had the exact same haircut, but a select few of these men put the kibosh on bland, vanilla hairstyles. (Not to be confused with Vanilla Ice, because that man's tresses negate everything about the word bland.) There was Byron from Season 6, with his flowing, Thor-like blonde locks. And then there was Charlie from Season 7, who I'm pretty sure had feathered bangs. Speaking of bangs, Prince Lorenzo rocked the side part and swoop-bangs like the 90s never went out of style. (Insert terrible pun about Prince and partying like it's 1999.) And I'd be remiss if I neglected a moment of silence for current bachelor, Ben, and his shaggy mop top. (Unfortunately, the Internet already drew some hilarious parallels between his hair and the friend of a certain famous aardvark.)

3. Chapstick is your friend.

Like I said, I've only seen a handful of moments from this show. But you know what I've noticed? Them bachelors are always kissing on one of those eager women. Now, I'm not here to judge the contestants' loose-lipped habits or harp on the potential for germs to spread like wildfire, but I do have to legitimately wonder if any particular lip balm company is getting a sweet deal out of keeping these people's lips armed and at the ready. And OK, now that I've mentioned the germs aspect, I wonder how often the following awkward conversation takes place between the girls on any given morning in the mansion: "Oh you caught my cold? And you went out with Ben last night too? Oh...um..."

4. Pursue a glamorous career.

I did my research, and the facts don't lie: there's not a boring job title in the bunch. Actor. Pro football player. Doctor. Winemaker. US Naval Officer. Pilot. Award-winning bass fisherman. Not to mention the heir to the Firestone Tire fortune, of course. Something tells me the producers aren't scouting local community colleges and dive bars to find these guys. I mean, it makes sense -- if you're going to afford a baller wardrobe, fancy haircuts and a batch of fresh roses every week, you better have the Benjamins to back it up. Sure, it might be funded by the network's budget for now, but something tells me you won't be getting weekly stipends from them when all is said and done. Who's to say if your lovely lady of choice will stick around post-season if she discovers you're hiring a bankruptcy attorney on the side? Come to think of it, though, thus far none of the ladies of choice have actually lasted very far post-season anyway. Maybe it's the wrong flavor of lip balm?