THE BLOG
02/27/2013 11:14 am ET | Updated Apr 29, 2013

How to Remove Demonic Spirits From Your Thrift Store Clothing -- A Tutorial

If you're a fan of bargain hunting in thrift shops, then you already know that demonic spirits can inhabit that pennies-on-the-dollar pair of Lucky brand jeans or even that adorable sweater. Televangelist Pat Robertson recently even advised a caller to The 700 Club on how to deal with evil demons in thrift shop clothing:

"It ain't going to hurt anything to rebuke any spirits that happened to have attached themselves to those clothes."

That's right, folks. You now need at add evil spirits in your thrifted clothing to your already long list of worries.

Don't know the methods to remove those pesky spirits? Well then, you're in luck, as the following five-step tutorial is 100 percent guaranteed to banish any and all demonic presence from your thrift shop purchases.

1. Identify the Evil Presence 

Is your sweater saturated with the spirit of a pus-oozing demon that makes you buy Oreo cookies "for the kids' lunches" and then forces you to eat them all yourself? Or perhaps your evil spirit is more along the lines of Robert Pattinson as Twilight's hunky Edward the vampire. This first step is vitally important, as you do not want to accidentally banish a dreamy vampire from your clothing. Instead you'll want to run a hot iron over the garment to forever imbed his presence. Trust me on this. Pattinson can stay.

2. Incantations

Although this step is hotly debated among most demon hunters, I swear by it. Lay the garment across a flat surface such as a bed or a table. Then click over to Macklemore's "Thrift Shop" video and sing along. It's imperative that you not skip over the swearing, as those words hold the greatest power against evil spirits. Repeat this step if necessary.

3. Smudge Sticks

Although sage is the preferred medium for a proper smudge stick, other materials work well in a pinch. Alternate smudge sticks can be constructed from churros, string cheese and tightly rolled tabloid magazines. Wave your smoking smudge stick over the affected garment and tell the spirit that it has your permission to pass through to the afterlife. Coughing enhances your message.

4. Ouiji Board

This step may seem old school, but sometimes the classics hold the greatest power. This step requires at least three participants, preferably avid thrifters. When everyone has their fingertips on the planchette, it is your role to spell out the sentence, "Get the hell out of my sweater!" three times in a row. Do not tell your fellow thrifters that you guided the words, as this will send the demon deeper into the fibers of the sweater.

5. Embrace the Demon

Put on the sweater and stand in front of a full length mirror. Stand with your back to the mirror and wrap your arms tightly around yourself so that it appears from behind that you are being hugged. Wriggle your arms around and make loud smacking noises until your shoulders start to ache. You will notice a sudden lightness that means that the demonic spirit has vacated the sweater.

Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a demon-free thrift shop sweater! And all it took was five easy steps.

Good thing you had The Non-Consumer Advocate on your side.