Ram Dass, I've Got Your Number: Musings Of A New Age Neurotic

I've got Ram Dass' phone number. I was researching an article and a longtime student of his casually gave me his number and told me the best time to call.

So I'm having a lot of problems with this. To start, I get a little intimidated about calling up folks I don't know- especially one who everyone knows has dropped a lot of acid and spent a lot of time in ashrams. Mushrooms are nice- in salads- but someone who once willingly scrambled his brain for breakfast might also be a little, shall we say, unpredictable.

And then there is the name thing. It would have been a lot easier if he had just kept Richard Alpert as his moniker. What am I supposed to say when he answers the phone? "May I speak to Mr. Dass please? Or, is Ram there? R. D. ? Is he here now?"

And if I get past the opening foray, then what? Typically I would tell him who I am and what I want. But with Ram Dass I'm afraid I'll blurt out, "Can you explain who I am and why I am here?" A simple writing job and I've got to have answers to Life. And I don't think I can fake it. Surely, being the guru he is, he will note the trepidation and uncertainty in my voice. Won't he figure out instantly that I am really seeking truth and enlightenment just like all his other callers? Or worse, what if he just answers like a normal person and gives me a few appropriate quotes for the article, and doesn't even try to cut to the chase- doesn't even acknowledge my inner yearning and years of practice, my relentless pursuit of the path. What if I finally connect to a spiritual master and I just do the assignment and never get to the Real Assignment?

The problem is I am too enlightened not to be self-conscious and not enlightened enough to be unself-conscious. Ironic isn't it, that all that seeking and when I least expected it I get this phone number dropped in my lap. They say, "When you are ready, the teacher will appear." After years spent in meditation and reading books by Shirley MacLaine, I don't think I am ready and Ram Dass is about to appear.

Of course, having his number has a positive side - especially on the cocktail circuit. I like watching the reactions of my listeners - both the blank stares and quick recoveries of the ones who don't have a clue about Ram Dass and the ones with the instantaneous, "Oh, Wow" or "Pretty cool." With one comment, I can tell which of my acquaintances missed whole decades of spiritual and cultural upheaval. Nothing like relishing a real moment of spiritual superiority.

Okay, okay...back to Ram Dass. And the other thing that gets me going is - and I hate to be crass here- what if the guy dies before I get around to calling him? He hasn't been in the best of health, you know. Now that would be a real kick...er, life lesson, as we say. I spend nearly two months carrying around a guru's phone number, never make the call and read in the morning paper that one of the great cultural and spiritual icons of my generation has crossed over before I got up the nerve to call him. I'd have to resort to a seance, not to mention some serious self flagellation. But then I could spend my life writing about carpe diem, hit the New Age/Self Help lecture circuit, do workshops at the Omega Institute and maybe start a school for spiritual procrastinators like myself. Surely I'm not the only one who can only make it to the eleventh step.

Okay, okay, so I'll call him already. Hello, may I please speak to .....

Postscript: When I spoke to Ram Dass (Ram for short) his voice was like honey, generating instant warmth. I would start a sentence and he would finish it and we'd both laugh. I even told him that I had been afraid to call him and he was genuinely disappointed that his presence might produce fear in anyone. He touched my heart.

Ram Dass is the author of Be Here Now and Still Here. He lives in Maui. www.ramdass.org.

Comments

[NoSillyName]

Psychedelics DO NOT scramble the brain.

I'll have to read it again and watch for the satire.

[NoSillyName]

Wow, Richard Alpert got old!! I read "Be Here Now" back in the '70s. I'll have to check out his new stuff.

[singermuse]

If only MORE people had dropped acid and other entheogens (with respect, supervised, with maturity, in a controlled environment, and not to abuse it) our planet would probably not be in the mess it's in today.
That being said, I am a firm proponent of moderation in all things preferring to take my trips on a meditation cushion instead of imbibing anything. To each their own. I don't know Ram Dass, but I've heard him speak and he is one of the more down to earth and less "woo-woo" of teachers. He founded the SEVA organization with is all about service not self aggrandizement.

[Kay Goldstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for taking time to comment- Kg

[lwaxanatroi]

I thought it was funny. "This is about you, not Ram Dass" someone posts. Well, duh. That's the point of the article. All the angst, trepidation, head tripping, ego tripping, and downright fear were in the mind of the would-be caller and had nothing to do with Ram Dass. Which is what she discovers when she finally makes the call. Let those who have never wallowed in their own ego-mind cast the first stone. And what's with the "they used to have Jewish names" poster?

[Kay Goldstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for "getting it". This was intended as satire and somewhat exaggerated as befitting the genre. Being on a path does not gurantee thatour baser motivations are erased- sometimes they are just translated into new trappings. -Think Steve Martins' role in "baby Mama" the narcisissist on steroids with all the moves of a Zen master.- KG

[eliezering]

Ram Dass didn't change his name himself. His guru gave him the name, and it means "Servant of God."

In terms of accessibility, if you join ramdass.org, he's available for one-on-one video calls.

i had a humorous contact with him last year. I was his student years ago. We stayed in touch over time, but after his stroke, his primary focus was on his own healing and he couldn't respond to every request. Nevertheless, I was anxious to have him blurb my new book, and sent several emails with no response. Finally, I sent one last, desperate: "Please let me know you're getting these, because I don't want to badger you--I already think you must hate me and I ought to rot in hell forever." So THAT he responds to: "Dear Eliezer, if you go to hell I'll miss you. Namaste, Ram Dass." Just that, no mention of my request regarding the book. I laughed and I loved it. (The first chapter of my book is all about those early days with him.)

Eliezer Sobel
author, The 99th Monkey: A Spiritual Journalist's Misadventures with Gurus, Messiahs, Sex, Psychedelics and Other Consciousness-Raising Adventures
www.the99thmonkey.com

[Theda]

Why did he change his name from Richard Alpert to Ram Dass?
So many of those gurus used to have Jewish last names before they became swamis!
Wayne Dyer has been trying to get his "followers" to buy a house for Ram Dass in Maui. He's been using a "guilt trip," saying Ram deserves a new house because he's helped so many people over the years, etc.
I can't understand why Dyer, who is a multi-multi millionaire, won't buy Ram a condo himself! He seems to think everyone else should buy Ram a house.....not him!

[Kay Goldstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Often when one undergoes a profound spiritual transformation, they take a new name or their spiritual teacher gives them a new name that signifies that transformation.

[NoSillyName]

Excuse me... "Swamis"??

[JumpingCholla]

Ridiculous! Ram Dass has always been completely down-to-earth and accessible. This is about you, not Ram Dass, and it's not a bit clever.

[Kay Goldstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Well clearly not clever enough. Satire I can be a tricky genre. And yes it's about me and poking fun at how one can end up being neurotic human especially when we try to be spiritually correct. KG

[Felicty]

I know Ram Dass.

Really, Ms. Goldstein, you are only embarrassing yourself.

[avraamjack]

.
A blotter a day keeps the monotone at bay.
.

[smarsman]

I am quite confused as to what the purpose of your article is. Anyone who knows Ram Dass is familiar with how available and open he is, and certainly the person who gave you RD's phone number must have told you that. Why all the insecurity and what does it show us?

I once called him about a friend who was dying. RD called him up and spent the better part of an hour with him on the phone. At the end, he asked this fellow if he could stay in close contact with him. He was obviously thrilled and said yes. Ram Dass called him almost every week for those last months of his life, and Ram Dass is a man who has a lot of commitments.

So what was your intent with the article because for the life of me, I cannot figure it out?

[wildflowermaven]

My thought exactly--perhaps priming the pump for a later article on what they talked about?

[Kay Goldstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Nope....

[Kay Goldstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for commenting.

The article was an attempt at satire, something i have obviously not mastered- (see my comment above to eliezering) The article is also about not taking myself too seriously or thinking that the trappings of spiritual knowlege that permeate our culture and even sometimes devotion to practice will exempt us from regressive angst, from being simply human.

As for Baba Ram Dass, I cherish his presence on earth. i am grateful to him for all the work he has done and inspired in others. I would sincerely hope that i have not been offensive to him or to anyone else whose life he has touched. KG

[javaman]

wow, you are so lucky to have gotten a chance to speak to him. Bravo! :)